


Young years

by StorgeAgape



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Abuse mentioned, Domestic Violence, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Meltdown, Panic Attack, physical fight, young years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-05-08 13:39:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 44,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14695338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StorgeAgape/pseuds/StorgeAgape
Summary: I just binge watched the serie and it really shocks me we not see much of young Nathan nor much friendship previous the narrative timeline. So I decided to relate him to one of my original characters, to be like a cousin to him, so we can get an approach to his younger years and his emotions.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: People are people 

Haven, 1985. June.

The Wuornos are a quiet family, Nathan likes to spend time on his own, listening to music seeking to feel the vibration of the melodies, other times he enjoys taking pictures around the town, which gives him a chance to be more social, or to chit chat. Although he is not interested, he is polite enough to briefly chat, if he is not zoning out on the picture taking. The boys are jealous at times and pick on him, because other girls pay him attention although Nathan is not interested in all that. Anyways, other times he stays with his mom, Elizabeth. He enjoys cooking with her. Although most times is him rambling about his last knowledge on his interest. He is glad that she listens. He wishes Garland were a bit more open. 

Elizabeth is friends with the neigbour’s next door, the Martin’s. They moved there when Nathan was born and have always been a friendly couple. They are second time married, and each has a child from their previous marriage, but they live with their other parent, still they come over for the holidays. Mr Martin runs the town’s music shop.

While mother and son are cooking, there’s a knock on the door.

“Is your father home early? Go open while I prepare the oven, ok?”

“Ok, mom” Nathan puts on his walkman and opens the front door without looking who is on the other side, to find Mrs Martin a bit distressed. He can sense it.

“Oh, is your mom home?” Asks Mrs Martin as friendly as she can be given she is fidgeting with her wedding ring.

“Yeah, we were cooking.” Nathan replies and turns to tell his mother, but she is already there.

“Marta? Something’s wrong? Come on in” Elizabeth welcomes her, leading to the living room. Nathan excuses himself to the kitchen to check the oven. He is curious about what caused their normally easy going neigbour to be so nervous.

“I don’t know how to this happened. How do I tell him? We both not wanted to” Marta rambles.

“Marta calm down. You mean you are pregnant?” Asks Elizabeth, gently placing her hand on her shoulder to comfort her neigbour.

“I was not feeling well a couple weeks ago, so I went to the doctor. What do I do?” Marta explains distressed.

“Well, he deserves to know. Then you decide what is best. You know if I could, if Garland wanted, I’d have another child. I understand his reasons, as I will support your choice no matter what” says Elizabeth giving her a warm smile.

“I know. Thanks.” Marta gives a warm smile back.

The oven alarm goes off, and Nathan goes to open it, but Elizabeth gets in the kitchen quickly. He got burnt so many times before, and is an on-going worry of hers since he not feels temperature. Elizabeth goes to stop him but Marta gently holds her wrist and whispers “wait”. Nathan got the cookies out without getting burnt for once. He is so happy that for once his mom not seems worried.

“Might be too hot yet. Milk?” Nathan says out of social habit. To be honest he not feels food temperature either.

He is thinking about the news Marta brought. Both him and Elizabeth would like a child at home. Marta is the closest friend his mother has, almost like a sister to her. 

After the cookies, Marta is more relaxed and goes back home. 

Later that night quiet music is listened from the neigbours.

***

Haven, 1985, September.

Nathan goes to school on his own, walkman on, blasting “People are people”. The beat both calms and energize him for the day. He is barely looking upfront. He hits with something. 

“Sorry” says a voice that instinctivelly checks for Nathan’s self balance holding his shoulders. The fact that the other person hasn’t moved prompts Nathan to finally look up.

“Mr Martin?” says Nathan surprised. He not remembers to have seen him like that before, in a suit and briefcase in hand, like an executive.

“Want I give you a drive to class? You are going to get late” says Mr Martin.

“No, I’m fine thanks. Have you changed your job?” Nathan asks confused.

“Well, not exactly. I still run the music shop, but school needed a music teacher and they accepted my application.” says Mr Martin cheerfully.

“At my school?” says Nathan yet confused.

“Well there is no other school in town. But don’t worry, I think your group is not on my schedule.” says Mr. Martin sensing his confusion.

*** 

Haven, 1985, December

Nathan’s birthday is in a week and he is eager to celebrate. But also Mrs Martin is due this week so Nathan and Elizabeth are getting a gift for the baby. Nathan wishes he could had done that for an actual sibiling. He can not feel textures, but everything seems so soft and delicate, so relaxing. He tries to remember, but he had not held a baby before. He is a bit nervous. Well, he is not sure they will let him hold the baby, maybe he is yet too young.

They decide to buy a small shirt and pants in green and orange. Mr Martin had not disclose the baby’s gender yet so they choose more neutral colours.

The night the baby was born, Nathan is feeling cheerful. When he wakes up he feels different and not knows why. Well, while they are in hospital, the Martin’s asked him to take care of their cat and dog. He likes to play with them when they go to visit, but that feels like more responsability. Maybe is that. Baby is not home until 3 days later, and he is not allowed to visit. Hospital rules. He feels disappointed. Elizabeth tries to cheer him up, tells him how small the baby is, how cute is when yawns. Other than the daily visit update, dog walk and dog and cat feeding, he spends those evenings in his room, blasting music and doodling.

Finally the Martin’s are back home. Nathan knows because their dog barks cheerfully. An hour later, the Martin’s invite them over. He goes there holding Elizabeth’s hand. It feels warm? Does he felt her hand squeeze his? He thinks to himself that he is just too emotional and is sensing the memory of such affective gestures, because that can not be possible, is it? To feel again. 

When he enters their home, Mr Martin welcomes him with a hand shake, that Nathan squeezes back. Had he felt that? The cat crosses around his legs purring. Nathan kneels to gently pat their head. And he feels the fur. Nathan freezes for a moment. 

“Something wrong? You did a great job caring them. Iris likes you” says Mr Martin. Iris is their cat’s name.

Nathan does not know what is going on. He must be dreaming. Is not possible he feels. They sat at the sofa in the living room. There’s a portable crib. Nathan stands and approaches. A tiny face smiles at him. He smiles back. He kneels to get closer and waves his hand greeting. The baby opens their eyes feeling the shade. Nathan notices the baby is wearing on a thin bracelet on their wrist. “Hi little one” he whispers. The baby grins at him and sways happily.

“It looks like the baby likes you. Do you want to hold the baby?” Marta offers. Nathan looks surprised.

“Come on, you did a great job caring Iris and Eden, you are a big boy now” Says Mr Martin gesturing. Nathan sits next to Elizabeth, she holds his hand briefly. And he feels it. He can’t help but get teary eyed. He feels overwhelmed but he not wants to draw the attention to him. He knows if Garland were to be there he would give him a disapproving look. He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “Ok” he simply says.

Elizabeth holds the baby gently and cooes at the baby. The baby smiles but looks at Nathan and grins again. When Nathan smiles back at the baby, the baby sways happilly shaking their arms. Nathan is happy to see his mother happy and relaxed enjoying the moment, no worries. They share a warm smile. 

“You know, there was going to be two, so we decided, to give two names still. Samatha Alejandra, Sam for short”. says Marta.

“Lovely names. Her hair has two shades too.” comments Elizabeth. The couple shares a concerned look about the hair.

“Oh, I did not meant it as something wrong” Elizabeth quickly apologizes. Still the habit of had lived with abusive Max Hanson, afraid to say something that would upset his temper.

“No, is fine. Just ... our family’s folk believes say when a child is born with two shades of hair, they are to be healers. You know, like a medium and all that. Her mother sent her the bracelet for protection. We not believe much in that. We just want she is healthy and happy, whatever else that comes she will be strong to manage” says Mr Martin.

Elizabeth passes Sam to Nathan’s arms. He can feel the light weight of the baby resting peacefully on his hands. He smiles at the baby and Sam sways happily, and he feels the movement, the variation in pressure. She moves her hands like trying to grab at something. He waves his fingers and she holds his index and bounces happily. “You got it. You are wise, little one” The olders keep talking while the two young ones share smiles and laughs. She falls asleep briefly and he ponders how to tell at home that he finally feels. He is happy to see his mom relaxed and happy. For a moment everything is too much, the emotions, feeling the weight of things, but the baby calms him too. So tiny, so full of energy and hopes and happiness. He is grateful the Martins embrace them as a family. They are like the relatives he not has nor knows. They encourage him, where Elizabeth at times is too protective, worried he might injury or Garland is too emotionally distant. He knows his parents love him, and care for him. 

They go back home. He spends the time before sleeping marvelled in the textures that he can feel, the temperature, pressures. Elizabeth knocks at his door to wish him good night as always. As she sits on his bed he suddenly gives her a long hug. She caress his hair and he squeezes happily, because he can feel the affection again.

“I know it was a special day meeting Sam.” Elizabeth says.

“Mom, I feel again” he says teary eyed caressing her cheek. 

“Really? When? How you know?” Elizabeth is surprised too.

“I don’t know, but I do”. He replies finally relaxed, as if when he finally feels weights again, suddenly a big one left his shoulders. 

“You have to be careful in class, now. But that is marvellous” says Elizabeth giving him a long hug too and kissing his forehead. “You want I tell your father?” she asks.

“I will show him playing baseball tomorrow” he says cheerfully. He looks forward for more quality time with him.

“Nathan, you must be careful. Sports, that soon, might be too much too soon, you need to adapt. Balance, pressure, texture, temperature” Elizabeth says worried.

“I know, but I want to try. Let me try on my pace” he says squeezing her hand. 

“Ok, I hope now you won’t bench me for sports” she says jokingly.

“You know I will not.” Nathan says before she leaves and closes his door.


	2. Chapter 2: Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year later ...

Chapter 2: “Gold”

Haven, 7th January, 1986

The Martin’s have invited the Wuornos’ for Sam’s first month celebration. Maybe Nathan hadn’t noticed that before but seems the family went a bit over the top. Sam got quite many gifts and the home still has Xmas decorations on?

“Oh is trafition. There in Spain on 6th january kids get gifts from “Reyes magos”, our parents sent her something, her sibilings too.” Explains Mr Martin seeing that Nathan looked quizzical. 

Iris and Eden soon welcome Nathan that enjoys petting them. “Hi buddies”. 

“She is getting so grown up” Elizabeth tells Marta happily. Sam is doing some baby game time. And yes, she holds her head. She is very curious about any noise. Maybe the fact that Roberto, her father plays her lullabies to sleep on his classic guitar surely does a big part on that. As usual she grins as soon as she sees Nathan crossing by. 

Marta offers them typical Xmas sweets sent from their parents. Nathan is a bit hesitant to try them, decides to try for some bits of turrón. The Martin’s seem to really like Xmas, their nativity scene occupies a whole furniture surface, shepherds, farmers, many figures there, not just the simple 6 pieces on a shelf the Wournos decorate home with, although their speciallity is setting the tree and display on a string along the living room Elizabeth’s new cross-stitsches works over the year, she stitches such beautiful landscapes. 

“Oh that’s a big tradition there. Next years will be crazy with Sam walking around and playing with the figures.” Roberto laughs. 

Nathan wishes his dad would be that open to have a toddler at home too. Sam calls for attention, so Marta picks her up but she keeps grining at Nathan, more when he looks or waves at her. So Marta offers him to hold her. She cooes happilly as soon as he holds her. Her hair has grown and now her front cowlick is more noticeable, is where her hair has two different shades. 

Back when Elizabeth was taking Nathan to hospital for his ideopathic neuropathy she read a lot and was elected president of the local book club. She still reads often aswell as does cross-stitch, which she enjoys to talk about with Marta. Mid conversation she remembers she forgot her book yesterday at the host’s home.

“Nathan, could you remember to ask Julia for the book tomorrow in class?” Elizabeth suddenly tells him.

“She is not in my class group” he quickly replies.

“Well you can see her during recess, right?” Marta offers. Nathan looks doubtful

“She looks tough but she is not going to punch you” Roberto jokes. 

“I’ll see” Nathan concedes.

And next day he goes to elementary school hoping she won’t be there. He not gets that popularity and cliche groups thing, he is not interested in being part of any of those but Julia is quite a tomboy, and that will sure raise comments. Plus all the other guys say confusing things about her. True, he not pays much attention to their rumours but he not wants to be targetted again as he was when he could not feel. But luck has decided something else. As soon as he gets in the corridor towards his locker, walkman on playing “Gold” his eyes looking at the floor, he hits with something in front of him. A pile of books falls. “Watch out!” a voice shouts and pushes him before moving to pick the books. “Sorry” he goes to help and then notices that is who he was looking for. Does it seem like those romantic movies? Suddenly sound around them changes. All other students are looking at the interaction. He gives her back her notebook. “There you are. Um, you mom is member of my mom’s book club. She forgot the month’s reading book at your mom’s if you could give it back to her, she’ll be thankful, thanks” he suddenly half rambles. Julia looks at him curiously. “You speak. Ok. But it’ll cost you something” Julia tells him. “I asked politely” he replies. “Thank you? I forgot my lunch money, if you invite me for lunch next recess you’ll have the book later today. Deal?” she offers. She not used to be that forward when they played in the park a few years ago. He considers. “Deal or not? I do not have all day. I am a busy person, Nathan” she pressures. “Ok, later” he finally replies. 

Of course the gossip in class is their “recess date” aren’t them all yet too young for that? And she was not being flirty, right? Someone slaps the back of his neck.

“You, got a date? Mister I-am-not-interested-in-anyone, you got the tomboy. Not bad” Duke teases him. 

“Leave me alone. I am not your friend” Nathan replies quickly.

“Are you sure you not want a piece of advice?” Duke goes to touch his neck again and Nathan quickly grabs his hand. 

“Don’t touch me. Stop bothering me. You’ve done harm enough” Nathan says angrily.

“Wow tiger. Tame down. Well, your loss” Duke says before leaving. 

Nathan is already getting tired of the guys sudden interests in girls, and vice versa, as a result both sides seem to be on an on-going race to try to impress the other, which often makes them be more mean.

As a person of word he is, he shows up at her usual spot during recess. 

“I thought you would not show up. You up yet for an invitation?” She asks him. Nathan not notices but Hannah has noticed them and not looks happy. For Nathan she is a friend from sunday mass. She not seem to be as interested as the other girls are in THAT, so he enjoys her company.

“A normal lunch is it, right?” Nathan asks as soon as they queue.

“Relax, they not serve fancy food here. So, plans for the summer? Middle school?” she continues.

“We are in january” he replies and she gives him a look “I will join the AV club” he concedes.

“Cool, I may do too. Maybe you can be my friend then” she quickly says. 

“What are you after?” he boldly asks annoyed with the teasing.

“What? I did not mean to annoy you, I am just a bit forward” she explains.

“A bit?” he asks sounding as sarcastic as he can. Each pick their lunch.

“What wrong would be if we were friends? Is that what annoyed you? We used to play together in the park” she asks.

“Yes, we used to. And you not mocked me, now what? Why are you making such a big deal about a simple request to return a book back? You set a lunch date.” He confronts.

“You want to go to Middle School and have no friends to have your back or what? I have good friends there.” She replies, which actually not replies his questions.

“I do not care about that, popularity contest, everyone is running for the temporary trophy” he replies annoyed.

“I could care less about that contest too. But like it or not, it happens. I am sorry if I annoyed you, I did not meant to. But now we know something. Look over there carefully” she replies and he looks suddenly towards the table she pointed. “I said carefully, you are awful at stalking someone” she replies. 

“What is there to notice?” He asks. 

“Hannah has been watching all. She likes you” Julia replies, Nathan looks quizzical, like when he knows the other is teasing but can’t surely say about what, and his face expresses annoyance rolling his eyes. “I am being serious, she likes you. Aren’t you going to do something? Ask her out? Make her jealous?” 

“What is there to do? I am not interested. Aren’t we too young for all that? The book. I am here for the book. Where and when will you bring it back?” He reminds.

“Are you going to wait to date when you are what, 40? Is not like I am looking forward to but everyone says is fun.” she keeps teasing and he stares in annoyance “ok, buzz over. You should try to be funnier. I’ll bring the book back later today” she finally concedes. 

Later that day she goes over to his home to give back the book. Nathan has been all afternoon in his room. Elizabeth welcomes Julia at the door, and invites her over, Julia excuses herself as being busy as soon as she knew Nathan was nowhere to be seen. Elizabeth is curious but decides to not comment. Later that night while preparing his backpack he finds a note from Julia. “Sorry, I did not meant any harm, but offer stands, would be cool to be friends some day”. He throws it out.

****

Haven, June 1986

Is Duke’s birthday and he has invited half the class, Nathan included, he is going to attend with Elizabeth approval and Garland’s hesitance. Nathan is not really looking forward, Wade is going to be there too and he is such a bad influence. Nathan is happy he has finished Elementary and will be joining the AV club in september. But other not interesting things will await there too, like Wade. He is considering Julia’s deal. He not understand those messed networks everyone has, that rule of I dislike A for no logic reason so you can not be their friend either or I’ll turn that choice into drama, and yes on the other side he sees that clearly, like him and Duke, but there he will be tomorrow attending the party. 

At the birthday party...

Also attends Hannah which has been distant with Nathan after the lunch date, thank you Julia. Oh, Julia is there too?

“Hey you showed up. Looking forward to join Little League next year? You are not going to join the boring clubs in Middle school, right?” Duke says ruffling his hair. 

“You know, a person can do both. There’s nothing wrong with the clubs” Nathan replies placing the gift on the table.

“No interesting girl joins or follow those” Duke replies and Nathan not sees the interest. 

Sam’s sibilings join the party hesitantly. Duke quickly notices.

“Oh, look who is here. Aren’t you going to introduce me to your neigbours?” 

The sibilings approach Nathan because they barely know anybody else there. 

“Um, hi. This is Duke, the birthday guy. They are Daniela and Ivan, Sam’s older sibilings.” Nathan introduces them. He not notices her smile when he said her name, but Julia and Hannah did and they join them.

“Hi, you are the new neigbours?” Hannah asks them.

“Yeah, kind of. You are the church girl, right?” Ivan asks her, she not likes to be refered like that, but being the rev’s daughter is the usual.

“Yeah, are you staying just for the summer? Maybe you want to meet Duke’s brother, he is more of your age” Hannah quickly replies. 

Nathan not seems to notice that all through the event the 3 females are paying attention to him from the distance. 

“So which one are you interested in?” Duke asks him, glass of juice in hand. 

“I told you, I’ll join AV club and Little League” Nathan replies.

“You are so oblivious. The girls. The three are into you. They had been looking at you all day. Let me warn you, they all know, so is your move. I wanted Daniela but even she prefers you” Duke continues, which makes Nathan to look in disgust. 

“Can’t everyone stop that for just a day? Aren’t we all yet too young for that teen love triangle drama that I have not asked for?” Nathan asks annoyed.

Finally someone new joins the party. Chris Brody arrives and the girls focus their attention on him. 

“Ugh, he showed up. I thought he would not. Relax, now all girls prefer him. This is so annoying, why do they all like only blonde guys?. You are so lucky and you not appreciate that”. Duke says before going to greet Chris. He does water sports and has all girls around interested in his last nature adventure. Nathan can’t wait the party to be over to get back home.

“How is it going?” someone asks him with an accent. Daniela.

“Uh, fine. How about you both? Are they friendly?” Nathan asks sitting next to her. 

“Ivan got somewhere with Wade, those 15something boys, boring. Is Julia your friend? She seems interesting. At least has good conversation” Daniela tells him.

“She is in my year. Are you going to move here next year?” Unusually this time, he is up for some conversation.

“I don’t know. Divorced parents, legal custody. Boring papers.” Daniela replies zoning out.

“But what would you prefer?” He asks curious.

“Do you know that next year I have to tell a judge on a trial which parent do I prefer, mom or dad? How messed up that is? I like things there, I like things here. But moving here would mean to start anew, and staying there means our studies won’t be as well valued as here. And then my sister is here, if we move here, I’d see her grow, if I stay there I will miss all that” Daniela reasons. Nathan finds her interesting, a lot more than other people around. 

“Well, I wish I had sibilings, you have two, one older and one younger. We can never choose that and we seem to like what we can’t have. I’d been teased about that, but you know being an only child is too quiet at times, you know. I not like noise, but you get what I mean, at least you have them”. Nathan replies.

“At this point I am sure Sam considers you more to his sibiling than we are. You can see her daily.” Daniela replies. 

“Your parents talk about you both often, you may not think they do, but they do” he offers.

“Like the girls do about you. They talk about you, specially those two. You not like them?” She tells him. There goes the topic he is not interested about.

“I not think is the time for that” Nathan replies hoping she will change the subject.

“What is it that you are afraid of? Dating is funny. I went to a few. Getting ready, talking with friends after, the glances. You not like that?” Daniela asks him.

“I do not see any fun in that” he honestly says.

“Man, always looking unaffected. Even Ivan pretends to, thinks that gets the girl attention faster. Truth is nobody went on a date with him, all declined.” Daniela resolves.

“I not pretend. I am simply not interested in that. Maybe when I am older.” He concedes.

“Ah, you think you can not compete because you are yet not hitting puberty? Ivan had been asking girls out since his first communion at 9” Daniela explains.

“Compete?” Nathan questions confused.

“You know what puberty is, right? They told you in school, haven’t they? I do not know which is worst. Boy’s voice drops an octave, Ivan was so embarassed during that time he barely spoke until it settled more. And well, girls get, you know. I think we get the worst part. Because right after comes the unwanted attention from strange men. I do not think something similar happen to guys.” She notices Julia and Hannah looking at them “Well they certainly are interested in you, but at least they are not total strangers randomly cat calling you. I not mean you have to date any of them, if you not want to is ok. You might be interested some day, make yourself be interesting then, women not really like shallow arrogant guys, no matter what those men tell you, never trust them” she tells him. 

Marta shows up with little Sam on her stroller. 

“She was fussy because none of her favourite people were back home yet. Where is Ivan?” Marta asks holding Sam up.

“Backyard with Wade” Nathan explains. 

“The tackle kid? I not like they befriend each other. Are you two having fun?” Marta sits next to them by the porch stairs.

“Yeah, well. Has she told you she may move here? Would be so nice” Marta says happily.

“Yeah, she told me. Was my mom looking for me?” Nathan asks her.

“Oh well she though you would just drop the gift and go back home since you seemed not a fan of the party. But I see you found some interesting company. I’m happy you get along well, right Sam?” She talks a lot to the baby, in spanish when alone at home and in english outside. Nathan wonders in which language she will speak first. Might be a good idea to pick spanish as foreign language in Middle school. 

Nathan waves hand gestures at Sam who quickly holds his fingers and sways happilly. That earns more girls looking at him with an “aww so cute” expression.

“Some girls like you” Marta points out happilly.

“I know” he says bored. Marta looks quizzically at Daniela. 

“He not likes them” Daniela replies.

“I not said that. I am just not interested” Nathan replies.

“Well, that Chris seems interesting, all girls are around him too” Marta concedes. Daniela and Nathan stare at her in confusion.

“Hey, who knows, maybe you’d prefer guys when you are older. Nothing wrong with that, my cousin is” 

“Mom, mom, stop, stop” Daniela says in panic seeing Nathan’s shocked face. He is so not interested in that, that he hadn’t even considered that either.

“I simply am not interested in that. I do not see why all the buzz. At least right now. I do not even know why they would like me, I not try to get their attention as others do. That is just so annoying”. Nathan replies looking at the floor.

“Maybe that is why they are interested, because you not try to thus you are per default more interesting, because you are your true self. Sorry if I overstepped, maybe you should talk about that with your mom” Marta offers.

“Man, Ivan not had such talk with you, look what he is doing. Guys do not have such talk” 

Nathan suddenly feels tired and excuses himself to go back home. Again he goes direct to his room which draws his parents attention.

“He spends a lot more time there. He looks moody often” Elizabeth comments to Garland. 

“Give him space, will you? He is just growing up, is normal. Guys are more detached.” Garland says.

“Garland, times are changing. He not has any same age relative to go to. Would you talk to him?” Elizabeth asks him.

“I’ll see about it. You know I am not good with those things. When I was a kid all those things weren’t like that.” 

“Well, you are nice with me. Be nice with him. He is your son too. If I talk to him you would say that I am overprotecting him” 

“Ok. If he ask me, I will talk to him. Don’t schools give those talks now? Aren’t they too young yet?” 

“You can be dense some times Garland. I not mean THAT talk. I’ll have to do it” Elizabeth replies and then Nathan shows up. 

“Dinner?” He asks hesitantly.

“You are eating a lot more now, grow sprout is coming. You will be so tall for Little League” Garland comments friendly.

“Looking forward to that.” Nathan happily reply to Garland “Do I help setting the table?” Nathan asks Elizabeth, they have dinner in quiet conversation. 

Next day, while Nathan is walking Eden to the park and at Roberto’s music shop, Marta and Elizabeth talk. Elizabeth is trying to give him space but she is getting a bit worried about him being a loner. Marta tells her about the party, how it seems to annoy him all the sudden interest in dating. Elizabeth not worries he will turn a bad man like Max was, but still worries he is feeling too clueless to understand what lies ahead. Truth be told he had never been interested in that, she assumed things would change as he grew older, but nothing. True lately he has been interested in the romantic novels in her bookcase, she had seen him reading some of them, but he quickly stops reading, she wonders why?

He seems more cheerful when he gets back home. Later while they are cooking pancakes for dinner, she choose that because she knows it relaxes his mind, although Nathan is a bit confused about the menu, but she quickly excuses since Garland will be late for dinner they can enjoy whatever for dinner, be it a sweet breakfast meal or not.

“So, I got the second part of that novel you were reading the other day. If you want to know how it continues” she offers.

“Which one? The scifi?” He asks.

“The romantic one. Is ok to read those too” she replies sensing he feels too self aware.

“Julia was talking about that one. I wanted to know what it was about” 

“You are becoming nice friends. Is she joining the AV club too?” 

“Maybe. She is a bit undecided yet”

“She will figure out, there’s still time”

“Yeah, I guess”

“So what did you thought about the book?”

“I did not like it much”

“Why? What is the part you liked less?”

“I not find it realistic. Too fast paced, they barely know each other but they are going on dates, and then the love triangle. I find that boring”

“Is there other book that you prefered?” 

“Yeah, I prefered others. SciFi”

“Of the genre of Romance, I mean”

“They all seem the same” 

“How would you write one of those? How would you describe your significant other or your ideal dating life?” 

“Mom, I am not interested in dating anyone. I know the girls are crushing on me, and I do not know why. I just want all that to be over and go back to before everyone was interested in that out of the blue. Even Julia randomly talks about dates mid AV conversation”

“Don’t get defensive, is just a creative question. How would you write one of those?” 

“I would write more layered characters, with more depth. The couple would be good friends prior dating, and dating would not be like movie. Would be more like just hanging out” he concedes, he is getting nervous and fidgeting with the spoon.

“So in that view, would you see yourself with Julia in the future?” 

“We are not dating, she is my friend” 

“If you’d have to date her or say Hannah, who would you date?” 

“That is so embarrassing. Both them are my friends.”

“Sorry” she apologizes.

“Why is everyone interested in that? I am the person involved and I am not interested” they stay quiet. He hugs her in apology. “I might be interested some day, just not now. And yeah, Daniela already adviced me, I will not listen the arrogant’s advice. I’ll do more like Mr Martin does” Nathan explains. “They never stopped being friends, is not like anyone tried to conquest or impress anyone. Mr Martin told me how they met and started dating. He advices me about that too. I am thankful you all care, I am just not interested for the moment being” 

“Ok son. I just want you to be happy. I know you will find your way, I raised a reasonable person, I am sure. But you have gone through so much already, I am afraid it will drain your kindness, at times things are awfully unfair with good people. I hope you’ll be emotionally ready.” 

“Sorry I had been distant lately. Just trying to figure out things on my own.” He replies although he not fully understand what she said and why.

“You know I’m always here to give you advice. I will always support you, with anything, whatever you choose and makes you happy. I know you will be responsably and you will approach to whatever you are interested in when you are ready. Just, when the time or chance comes, be confident and not close yourself out of fear or doubt and miss what you really want to. Know your worth, and let yourself be happy, never forget that” 

“I promise” he tells her and hugs her again. “Pancakes?” He offers going back to the task at hand.

***

Haven, December 1986

Nathan has started High School and he joined the AV club, picked spanish as foreign language and is joining the penpal programme to practice so he spends some saturdays at the music shop where Roberto advices him on grammar and they talk about music. He made some more friends those weekes with the Little League too. He got a couple study friends, they go to the movies some days. Elizabeth is happy, although Garland has a but to that, he still thinks Nathan has far too many femake friends. Shouldn’t he be happy he has more potential girlfriends? Nathan generally prefers to be with fellow quiet people than noisy ones as Duke, but at times is nice to change ambience. 

The Martin’s invited them over for New Year’s eve. Spanish traditions sets to have the 12 lucky grapes at midnight for good luck the next year. Of course they will not stay awake that late yet the couple welcome them with the grapes ready for after dinner. 

Sam moves a lot now, she likes to play with her noisy toys, she crawls chasing Iris which lately prefers to lay on the surfaces that Sam can not reach yet. She already eats mashed food and diced fruits. She has her prefered flavours and her “no-no” food. Nathan finds amusing the frowny face she makes whenever her disliked food is near. Oh the day she tried lemon, she ended up throwing it to the floor, was so sudden that Iris runned to hide. But seems she will walk any day. Her siblings are over too. Daniela sent him a gift for his birthday, which he actually liked, a videogame for the Spectrum he just got from Santa. Garland was hesitant because “that will make he isolates more”. But truth is, it got him quite popular. 

After dinner they gather in the living room to caroling. Nathan is playing with Sam, encouraging she goes from crawling to stand to pick her bunny toy. “Sam, bunny is going to run away. Pick it, pick it. Jumpy bunny.” he motions the toy to hop, when she rises up her hands he rests the bunny over her head which makes her laugh every time. She is actually holding her own balance, but as quickly as she laughs she falls comically to the floor. Daniela and Marta join them and encourage her to walk. “Come on, up” Marta tells her and she stands up, but as soon as she tries to move she loses balance. Nathan stops the fall and holds her hands up. “Ops, stand. Good. One step?” She hesitantly moves her little leg forward while he gently holds her hands. “Good. One step.” Everyone cheers her, which distracts her and she loses balance again. Daniela does the same and Sam actually gets more step walked. Nathan does the same and then Iris crosses next to Sam which makes her unhold his hand and, wait, she is actually walking on her own. And 5 steps later she falls on the cat. 

“She actually walked alone! With you!” Daniela says on an accusatory tone aloud. 

“I did nothing. It was the cat” Nathan defends. 

“I can’t believe it! She walks with him” Nathan is confused of her, jealousy? He will never understand that. 

“Well what matters is that she is walking. Iris you will have to nap on taller furtniture now” says Roberto.

“Try again. See who she walks to” says Ivan. 

They stand Sam and encourage her to walk “here” offering toys “xylophone”. Sam seems a bit confused by all the voices but calmly walks towards Nathan again. A good 7 steps in a row. Nathan holds her up making her laugh.

Daniela storms out to her room. Marta goes after her. Nathan is confused, what has he done? Is his fault? Marta returns. “She is just tired.” A bit later Nathan, Elizabeth and Garland go back home. Nathan is still trying to understand what got her so angry, is not his fault that Sam started walkimg with him, right? When Elizabeth goes to wish him good night nine mentions that. Nathan has grown fond of hugging his mom. 

“I will have to buy more wooden boxes for this year’s new crossed-stitches set. You can come if you want” Elizabeth offers.

“Sounds good. Thanks mom” he smiles. They used to go together to run her domestic errands. Both miss that time.


	3. Forever young

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: UNWANTED ADVANCES, PHYSICAL FIGHT, PANIC ATTACK/MELTDOWN.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The children song “Cinco lobitos” is in the version I always heard. It varies a bit from region to region.  
> The other song mentioned is “Amante bandido” by Miguel Bosé. Added because it was quite a big hit in the 80s/90s here.  
> For the ASL flirt, check on youtube ASL THAT channel, video “Relationship vocabulary”.
> 
> ¿Vais a ir al cumpleaños este año? = are you going to the birthday this year?  
> No sé que regalarle, sigue siendo un ca ... bueno, ya sabes = I don’t know what to gift him, he is still an ass ... well, you know.  
> Pero si tu no vas, no me van a dejar ir = But if you not go, they won’t let me go  
> Vas con Nathan, ¿tu vas, no? = you go with Nathan, you are going, right?  
> Gracias caballero = thank you gentleman  
> Cinco, cuatro, tres, dos = five, four, three, two  
> Cuidala, el culpa de él = take care of her, is his fault.  
> Polo, fresa = popsicle, strawberry.  
> No, señorita = no, miss.  
> Oh que lindo = aww how cute.

WARNING: UNWANTED ADVANCES, PHYSICAL FIGHT, PANIC ATTACK/MELTDOWN.

Chapter 3 - Forever young

Haven - February, 1987

The “month of love”. So manufactured. Same lines everywhere, to the point they are meaningless, but people bought them every year. And the worst part is that the dating interest intensifies in class. Nathan feels there is few people he can talk with. Even AV club seem to get some interest in that. Nathan not understand when others blame him saying “you are just jealous you got no girlfriend”. He is just not interested, not jealous. Breakups seem to be overwhelming emotionally, he has seen that when Julia thought that guy was “end-game” and suddenly broke up with her two weeks later because it was all just a bet to date the “tomboiest” of them all. Nathan really not see why everyone seem to rush into dating, with those hopes and expectations which turn problematic, like jealousy, possessiveness.   
The first time Julia broke crying in front of him was when they were studying for that exam and she found one of her ex flirty notes on her book. She hugged him. He did not know what to do, other than try to rationalise and remind her of positive traits, because after all she was blaming herself for his awful action, which is not fair.  
Is not like locker room talks are better than the girls gossiping. He can’t cross both sides and boldly warn the girls, he tries to prevent them, like the time that basket star asked Noelle out of the blue for a bet   
“What do you two have in common? You had never spoken before Noelle. You never were in the same class” he warned her.  
“Well, they go out, they have fun and figure out” Julia interrumpts.  
Turned out the basket guy wanted to kiss her and she did not, she just wanted to know him a bit more. She felt so awful after that.   
“At least he not spread fake rumours” someone told her.

Nathan confides that to Roberto, trying to understand how can he help in those emotional moments, when he goes to the music shop to practice spanish. Roberto tries to sound as neutral as possible but at times dialect slips, which confuses Nathan, like the Roberto said “carotas” instead of “zanahorias”. Nathan is getting quite fluent. He is learning all children songs that Martins sing or play to Sam.  
“Cinco lobitos tiene la loba, cinco lobitos detrás de la escoba, cinco lobitos tiene la loba, blancos y negros detrás de la escoba” Nathan sings to Sam waving hi with his hand and pointing at the colours and the broom in the room. She quickly learns to wave hi back.   
Roberto seems to be the only person that not pressures Nathan about his lack of interest in dating, romance or any gender other than friendship. He never commennts “going to study with Noelle again” in that tone that others give him.   
In fact Nathan is helping Roberto and Sam to prepare for St Valentine. They are making a decor with Sam hand prints. Nathan knows that Roberto is having a different coloured incarnation delivered at Marta every morning, her favourite flower. Roberto has been cooking her favourite meals every night.   
On the other hand Garland. Nathan at times wonders if his lack of interest in romance is due to the many gestures that Garland denies. He is not like Roberto, at all. Is true he cares that Elizabeth not overdo, but he not offers help with housework as naturally as Roberto does. Nathan knows he shouldn’t compare. Is true Elizabeth seems to be happy as things are, so he not mentions. In fact he has notices if Garland is suddenly very romantic, as bringing her a bouquet of flowers out of the blue, even if are her favourites she feels hesitant. Nor Nathan or Garland know but that was a gesture Max did to her after a big fight, which she knew would repeat in a few weeks again. She choose not to tell to move on emotionally.  
This year for the yearly St Valentine restaurant dinner Nathan wants to skip it.  
“I have a project to finish for the AV club. I need to repair the projector” Nathan excuses.  
“But you are getting so tall. Why don’t you join us and try on that new suit? We can stop at the arcade” Elizabeth offers.  
“Beth, he is getting older. He is just embarassed to be seen in public with his parents” Garland adds.  
“I am not embarassed. Listen, I am not a kid. I do not need a sitter. You can go out alone for dinner. I’ll be fine. Have fun”  
They finally leave, and arrived at midnight laughing. Nathan is reading in his room. Neigbour’s music filter through the window. Is a tune in spanish, a singer she likes. Roberto has told him is quite popular in Spain. Nathan tries to figure out what the verses say, to get more vocabulary and get the accent better, althought that one is neutral, “yo seré el viento que va, navegaré por tu oscuridad ... beso frío que me quemará”. Although that “no dirás que no” makes him feel quite uncomfortable, and shocks him how with that line people find the song romantic. 

\- - 

Haven - April, 1987

The AV club is busy setting the school’s gym for the delayed Spring dance that friday. There are Julia, Noelle, Grayson and Nathan. Nathan knows Grayson from the OT he did for his idiopathic neuropathy and they became fast friends over their mutual interest in technology, devices, electronics and patterns. They like to hang out just to repair something. Over the years Nathan has learnt some ALS and they have inner jokes. Grayson not seems to be interested in dating as other people their age do.  
While Nathan and Grayson are trying some devices in the AV club room before moving them to the gym, Julia and Noelle are nowhere to be found. The toolbox they need has a lock, which only Julia has the key for. She wears a keyring on her left pocket. They told her to leave a copy for moments like this.  
“Where is Julia?” Nathan signs to Grayson.  
“In the gym, I think. They are gossiping about boys” Grayson signs back with an annoyed face.  
Nathan goes to the gym. There is nobody else and he hears some low voice conversation. He considers waiting, maybe the conversation is important. Noelle has been feeling sad lately. Suddenly everything is silent so he enters, to surprisingly find them kissing. He feels embarassed and looks shocked.  
“Nathan! King of perfect timing. What do you want? We were having a private moment. Got tired of waiting for you both to bring the set” Julia quickly burst out hugging a very embarassed Noelle that buries her face on her neck.   
“Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Keys. Sorry” he repeats. He does not know what to do.  
Julia throws the keyring at him, he fails to catch it.   
“Don’t you played Little league?” Julia complains. He doesn’t move, does not listen, is like being underwater, just feels very overwhelmed. “Can you move?”   
He suddenly finally hears and storms back to the AV club room. He closes the door and sits on the floor, holding his knees to his chest and rocking himself. Before Grayson can approach him, storm in the room Julia and Noelle.  
“What was that?! Is because is Noelle?” Julia asks angrily.  
“Jules, please. He did nothing wrong, he just did not expected to ...” Noelle reasons her.  
“Expected to what? What did you do? What happened?” Grayson quickly sign to them.  
“He found us kissing. What is the big deal?! His did not knock” Julia says still annoyed. Nathan keeps rocking himself, denies with his head and not let anyone to touch him or sit near.  
“Are you two dating?” signs Grayson with a happy smile, which briefly confuses Julia.  
“Not the point Grayson. Why he got like that?” Julia asks.  
“He should calm down. He could get hurt. How can we help you Nathan?” Noelle asks him softly approaching him.  
He finally looks up. Eyes crying. He just feels he lost in that on-going social skills game. He shouldn’t not had freeze like that. And Julia is right he should had made himself known before entering.  
“Listen pal, I am sorry it made you, uncomfortable just because you not expected that.” Julia offers “That is why I not like to tell about everyone I kiss” Julia tells to Noelle.  
“I could care less who kisses who. Just can’t you ...” Nathan burst suddenly then stops himself.  
“Just what Nathan? Just because you not like PDA or dating doesn’t mean, we, your friends can’t do that. We respect you, I am sorry it made you feel like that. Can we code it, so nobody feels uncomfortable from now on?” Julia offers. Nathan nods. They conclude to ALS flirt.  
Finally Nathan seems to calm down and hugs Julia whispering “Sorry” over and over.  
“Ok, just a misunderstanding” Julia concludes.  
“I am not against you two, dating each other or whoever you want” he clarifies.  
“I know that.” Julia says calmly. “Calmed?” she asks and he nods.  
“Are you two dating?” Grayson signs again with a gleeful face.  
“We are are ... we” Julia and Noelle say at the same time, interrupting each other which make the four laugh.

\- - 

Haven - June, 1987

Sam sibilings are in town and Sam is increasing her vocabulary very fast. They brough her Teo books which they read her before nap, Rosa Leon casettes, even little puppets from a children’s show called “La bola de cristal”.   
Whenever Nathan goes to visit her around afternoon, the days he not has AV club related or study friends meet-ups, he refuses to call that date, she got the habit to cheerfully call him “nene” while she enthusiastically claps her hands. She is trying to climb chairs now, skill about Iris not is amused with.  
They are playing with Lego, building a castle. Sam assambles the pieces in random colour pattern.   
“¿Vais a ir al cumpleaños este año?” Nathan ask them. They still get confused of his interest to practice spanish because they expect to practice english.  
“Cumple ... a .. nio” Sam repeats. She seems to have problems to pronounce some letters in spanish. Marta not overthinks about that, she will improve with time, or choose to only speak english, which is her choice, their responsability is teach her both languages.  
“No sé que regalarle, sigue siendo un ca ... bueno, ya sabes” she says which earned a glance from Ivan who went to cover Sam’s ears. Bad words are forbidden. Sam protests, she not likes anything, but her rainbow bunny teddy over her head.  
“Maybe he simply not invite us, end of story” Ivan offers.  
“I thought you and Wade were friends. He is your age.” Nathan offers.  
“He is not in town, right? So I am not going” Ivan concludes.  
“Pero si tu no vas, no me van a dejar ir” She complains.  
“Vas con Nathan. ¿Tu vas, no?” Ivan ask him.  
“Nene” Sam suddenly shouts, standing up and gesturing him to hold her up. She sits on his side. Daniela eye rolls.  
“Birthdays include sleepovers now.” Nathan comments.  
“Those are fun! Makeup, magazines, gossip, dare games” Daniella says enthusiastically. Both boys eye roll in disgust.  
“What, male ones aren’t good?” Daniela questions.  
“What happens is secret” Ivan says.  
“Have you gone to any Nathan?” Daniela asks him.  
“Only at Grayson. We repair electronics, is fun” Nathan concedes.  
“Then go to that one, might be fun too” Daniela offers.  
“I’m not sure I would enjoy it” Nathan explains.  
Marta comes in with the shopping. Nathan goes to help.  
“Gracias, caballero” Marta politely tells Nathan glancing at Ivan, who excuses to his room to study.

Finally Nathan and Daniela go to the party. Hannah, Noelle, Julia and Grayson soon greet them. Wade is there. He looks at Daniela all through the party. Julia ASL signs flirt to Nathan before leaving to the backyard’s kissimg corner with Noelle. They seemed a bit distant with each other all through the party. They decided to keep their relationship a secret, but at times in the AV club they hold hands, share smiles and looks. Nathan and Grayson in fact prepared them a AV club picnic snack on their month anniversary in the club’s room.  
Party seems to go well until shouting is heard from the backyard. Turns out the basket star is friend of Wade and saw Noelle with Julia. Wade is doing nothing to stop the guy.  
Nathan suddenly pushes him from the back to make he stop shouting. The guy turns to punch him, Nathan moves making him miss but it hits someine else, Duke right at his jaw. Duke pushes Nathan to the ground, Daniela throws the cup at Duke so he will not hit Nathan. Grayson helped Julia and Noelle out safely and helped the, calm down and accompanied them back home safe.  
Duke goes to make Daniela loose balance and fall but Nathan holds his wrists to the ground.   
“Let the girls be” Nathan tells him angrily.  
“What is your bravado gain in all that? You not like any of them”  
“Which is your gain in hurting them?” Nathan frees his hands, thinking he will be reasonable and stop.  
“You choosing they can not defend themselves is better?” Duke replies slapping his neck.  
Nathan gets up and goes searching for Daniela to go back home. He finds her fighting Wade’s advances in a corner. Nathan throws a stone to the wall next to him.  
“Next goes to your head. Leave her. She not likes you” Nathan warns.  
“What, does she likes you? She came to the kissing corner”   
“You were not kissing her”   
“Kissing is an euphemism Nathan. Grow up”  
“Leave her alone, she not wants anything more with you” Nathan warns again. Wade laughs.  
“Cinco, cuatro, tres, dos” Nathan counts backwards in spanish which confuses Wade and Daniela can escape from his hold and runs to the front yard porch.  
“If there is a next time, which I hope not, there will be no warning. Tell everyone” Nathan says before leaving to get back home with Daniela.  
Daniela is distressed, feels guilty. She not wants to go to her home. How can she explain what happened. She is hugging him in front of his home.  
“I can not go in. I will be grounded. Please let me stay at your place” Daniela tells him  
“Marta and Roberto will understand. They will not ground you, is not your fault how he acted.”  
“Oh my, he will spread rumours now. What have I done?” Daniela says crying more.  
“You did nothing wrong. Is not your fault. Is his. He lied to you. You went to kiss, is fine. But he lied, he wanted other things. You not have to do what you not want to do” Nathan reasons her.   
“I can’t go home” she repeats holding his hand.  
“Your parents will worry if you not return. Do you want I accompany you?” He offers and she nods. Marta had seen them stop between the houses.   
“Dani, I was getting worried. Why are you crying?” Marta asks her hugging her.  
“Wade” Nathan shortly answers.  
“Has he hurted you?” Marta asks her quickly checking if she is injured. Daniela can not say, physically he not got to touch her other. She denies.  
“Cuidala, es culpa de él” Nathan tells Marta and goes back home.  
Nathan can barely sleep that night. The few times he falls asleep he has nightmares which confuse him, a strong man shouting at Elizabeth, but he not seem to know who he is, just that has a tattoo.

\- - 

Haven - July, 1987

Summer means shorter clothing. Which means tattoos show off. Elizabeth choice of not talking about Max abusive behaviour not prevents from triggers. During summer months she asks Nathan to run for errands because she can not deal with their triggers. She think Nathan has not noticed, but he has. The times they were walking in town and she suddenly changed plans to invite him for a snack or ice cream. She is seeing a lot that exact tattoo recently. Even on young people, she swears one day that Julia came up to go to the cinema with Nathan and their friends, she had one in her wrist that disappeared, it was a glimpse which she quickly covered. She is feeling anxious and decides to go for a medical check up.  
“We had found something in your heart, it could lead to a heart failure. We can give you medicines to prevent it, but safest approach is surgery. We’ll do what you choose.” Elizabeth is devastated. She thought it would be just stress. She leaves the consult. Nathan was waiting by the door. It worried him that the consult was for cardiology.  
“Is just stress. I will take some medicine, and all fine” she tells him holding his hand which he squeezes.  
“Ice cream?” He offers, he know it is her comfort food.

Back at home while Nathan is having a sleepover at Grayson, Elizabeth tells Garland. He is overwhelmed. He looks for someone to blame. Max. Himself.   
He tries to talk, but he not knows of comforting words and she not deserves to hear the awful thoughts that cross his mind thinking of Max, so he just hugs her.   
“We’ll overcome it” he offers.   
They gave the treatment a try, but further tests conclude is genetic, so surgery is required. They talk a lot about what to do and how to tell Nathan. Surgery has its risks too.   
Before July is over she needs to be hospitalized, she was feeling too tired. They gave her stronger medicines which make her a bit dizzy. Nathan not leaves her side as soon as shevis back at the visitor floor. He reads her favourite novels, even romantic ones. Garland is moody and goes out to hunt more often. Marta goes to visit while Sam is at daycare. Even Nathan friends went to visit her.  
“Nathan, you not have to stay and watch me. Is summer, go out with your friends. Have fun, then tell me. Knowing you are happy is better than any favourite novel reading” she tells him caressing his hair and holding his hand. “I’ll be fine, just need a few time to get the treatment right”  
Garland left work early and gets in the room, Nathan concedes and leaves before kissing her forehead.   
At home Garland and Nathan eat separatedly, Nathan is spending more free time at Grayson, Julia, Noelle. Garland is just too moody to be around, which only causes more nightmares to Nathan. 

\- -

Haven - October, 1987

Doctors found a better treatment for Elizabeth and is happilly back home. Nathan keeps his recent new habits going out with his friends. He not talked to Daniela about the party fight but she got the habit to hug him, sit next to him all that summer. Other guys teased him if they were dating. He is comfortable with her affections but that’s it, he not feels romantic about anyone. Sam likes he takes her to the park. He has gotten taller and his voice is changing, which makes him feel embarassed.   
Some penpals came for the student exchange, he did not join this year. They do some activities together that week. One of the girls likes to talk to him. She finds his fluent vocabulary fascinating. While his classmates know the very basics and are hesitant about their pronunciation, he learnt a lot with Martins and listen to music that Roberto plays in the shoo when he pays him a visit.   
He is at the park, Sam in her stroller. She wants to be allowed out to run chase the birds. Before Nathan cat sit in the bench to get her out the stroller she sees an ice cream cart.  
“Polo! Fresa!” She screams aloud.  
“No, señorita. Mom says your tummy hurts later”  
She cries angrily.  
“Tell you what, I get an ice cream cup and give you a bit. But not all the ice cream” Nathan concedes going to the ice cream with her holding his hand.  
“A mint ice cream, please, two spoons” Nathan orders to the assistant.  
“Oh que lindo” says the exchange classmate. Ok, he not expected her there. In which language does he replies?  
“Is you sister? You never said of having sibilings.” Says the girl waving hi at Sam and, ops touching his forearm, he freezes and blushes confused, which makes Sam shout.  
“No, she is my neigbour’s daughter. Music teacher daughter, they are spanish” Nathan explains.  
They sit on the bench while Sam runs around. Sam come around for an ice cream spoon every minute. They talk calmly. She is abbut too colse but he feels it would bevrufe to point that. She seems interested in the AV activities although she not knows much about it. He can not talk about it with her as he does with Grayson, Julia or Noelle. She smiles a lot, which confuses him because he had not made a joke. Maybe he mispronounced something. He does not know or why but she lead the conversation to flirty topics, to help him improve his vocabulary he thinks. Until it hits him when she tries to hold his hand. Wait a minute, she is flirting with him. He freezes. She not seem tomnotices so he moves back a bit.   
“Nathan?” says Hannah approaching them, the girl stops being that touchy feely, thankfully.   
“Hey Hannah, student exchange, um” he offers.  
“Alba” the girl says.  
Hannah feels some tension and after a few minutes excuses herself to go back home, or maybe it was too much seeing him with someone that flirty.  
“Sueño” Sam protests rubbing her eyes. Nathan sits her back on the stroller.  
“Well, we better be going, it was nice meeting you here” Nathan offers politely.  
“I can accompany you both” Alba cheerfully offers, Nathan doubts her interests but decides argueing will be worst.  
They peacefully walk back home. Sam is getting interested in the few remaining flowers. She picks a lavender.   
“Sam, no. No. No picking” Nathan corrects her.   
“But they are so lovely. We have at home.” Alba says placing one behind her ear, one to Nathan’s and one to Sam.   
They finally arrive at Sam’s home. Alba waits outside, not being seen. Finally Nathan goes out.  
“You didn’t had to accompany us back home” Nathan offers her.  
“Well, I just like your company, a lot. You are interesting” Alba says as they walk to his home.  
Nathan remember Daniela’s advice a year later. Definitelly Alba likes him. But does he likes her? Can he say that in that short time? True he likes her company, but that not means he is attracted to her right? And she is too close. Wait, she is smiling again, holding her hands in front of her. She is expecting something. What?  
“You too” he says out of the blue. Was she speaking? What is the last they spoke? She is approaching, why is she approaching? She caress his hand.   
“Shame exchange is just a week. We return this monday” she says sadly.   
“We could penpal, see another year” he suggests, why Nathan, why?  
“That would be lovely, or you can exchange next year” she offers.  
“Maybe” he concedes. Nathan, what are you doing?  
“You’ve been the best person I’ve met” she says. Why is she saying that.  
“I get told that often” Nathan says. How can you stop that?  
“Lucky Havenites” she says. He does not know why but squeezed her hand. They share a look. She approaches again. Are they going to kiss? Does he want to? Nathan quick, do something.   
“Nathan dear. Oh, you are with a friend” Elizabeth tells him coming out the front door. She saw him standing for a long while, she thought it was Julia.   
“I’m going” Nathan tells Elizabeth.  
“You can invite your friend for dinner, I made mac and cheese” Elizabeth suggest and goes back home.  
“I should be going back to my exchange home. I hope we meet again” Alba says, caressing her hair.   
Nathan kisses her cheeks and her forehead. He seems moved. She caress his hair, his lobe which makes him shiver and kisses him the same way. They share a smile. He kisses her hand and she leaves.  
Nathan gets back home. He feels different. Emotional. Happiness seems bigger than overthinking about if they like each other.   
“Oh, is your friend not joining?” Elizabeth questions.  
“Um, she is, leaving on monday.” Nathan says joining to the dinner.   
“Oh, maybe you meet again” 

\- - 

Haven - December, 1987.

Nathan, Grayson, Julia and Noelle go to watch “The princess bride”. Nathan got curious by the narrative genres mixture the trailers shows and the kid’s line “Is this a kissing book?”, he already relates to the kid. But the grandpa’s line confuses him “Some day you may not mind so much”. He has remembered of Alba often, not just at her weekly letter, but he thinks he may had wanted to kiss her, not as he did. And he does not know why. Why her and not another Havenite? And why he liked she touching him, specially his lobe.   
Grayson and Nathan sit in one row, Julia and Noelle at the next row. The three “aww” at the couples moments, which Nathan just eye rolls. Can’t the story not focus in the adventure? Wesley is a pirate, isn’t he? Nathan dislikes the arrogant king. The girls not like him but both comment he is cute. Cute? Seriously?  
Nathan likes Wesley’s one liners such as “Get used to disappointment” and “Lfe is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something”. He found the rodents scene more funny that romantic. Romantic? He admits the “as you wish” feels a bit less forward than “I love you”, but still he not sees it as a romantic movie, maybe platonic.  
He has been reading about that trying to clarify, but nothing helps because nothing seem to present as he thinks. He not see the overlapping and pace. Maybe he is very wrong. He wonders a but about what his future will be like. Will he never think different about that? Are there people that will understand and relate to him?   
The group liked some lines so muvh they randomly say when they are together, usually Nathan, even lines of characters he not liked so much, but it was witty or he felt that fitted the moment.


	4. 4. Land of confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: character death.   
> Depressed!Nathan, Depressed!Garland.

Haven, 1988

Nathan is enjoying Middle School, more and more. Most his free time he spends it on his special interests which he shares with his friends: Grayson, Julia, Noelle and occassionally Hannah. He still penpals weekly with the spanish exchange programme, uruguayan Imasul (which is a girl and wants to be an actress), spanish Rosa (which is a girl who wants to be a poet and she sends him some verses) and spanish-romani Alba (the girl he met in october, she wants to be a journalist). He asked Elizabeth to join the exchange programme next year so he can travel abroad this time, and Garland agreed to. “If your grades are good after the first semester you’ll can join”. Elizabeth adviced him to be more helpful with Garland so he is helping with home maintenance as sewing the tree branches in the garden, varnishing the exterior wood and so on. Garland seems to be happier around him. Still Nathan enjoys cooking time with Elizabeth, and most of all watching McGyver together. Nathan likes his character a lot, he also works with devices, but there’s something else. No romance. So they watch that serie while Elizabeth does cross-stitch. They also spend time with Martin’s. Sam is quite a fast runner now and she loves to go to the park. Nathan and his friends go to the cinema weekly, he enjoys a walk with Hannah after attending mass and they talk about books they both like, and she seems to get an interest in sci-fi and comics lately. Garland had commented Elizabeth if he is finally liking anyone.  
“he spends a lot of time with those girls, they are older now. None is his girlfriend?” Garland questions her.  
“He spends as much time with Grayson too. If he is ever interested in anyone, he’d tell us when it feels fine with him, is his life, not ours. Just be supportive.” Elizabeth tells him.

Thursday, 14 january 1988.  
Nathan got assigned Hannah as partner for a Biology class work for next week, so they have a meet-up after lunch. She is going to join the AV group when that new movie “Who framed Roger Rabbit?” is released later in june. They all are looking forward to that.   
Nathan and Elizabeth went yesterday with Sam to the park. Elizabeth wanted to get a new cross-stitch project but thought better, it was getting late. Nathan has tought to buy it with his saved pocket money and gift it to her later that year, that landscape she told him she wanted to do of Haven from the look out point sure is wonderful. He is happy that seems the medication fixed the cardiology issue she consulted about a few months ago.   
“Have fun. You can invite her over some other day too. I’ll talk to the rev about it” Elizabeth hugs Nathan before he leaves, for some reason he squeezes her hug back longer than usual.  
“Is just an assigment for next week. I’d prefer to stay in today, go to the park with you and Sam” Nathan says honestly, he wanted to gift her the cross-stitch project.  
“There’s time for everything. You’ll have many days ahead to go to the park with Sam, you know she looks up to you, you are like a sibiling to her” Elizabeth comments him, both sharing a warm smile, while she caress his hair. “I raised a good young person. Go be happy, you’ll tell me later. We’ll have pizza tonight, don’t be late”.

“Wuornos. Study area is the living room” The rev welcomes him. Nathan nods. Hannah welcomes him. She prepared cookies. The Rev looks angrily. She had not done that with other study friends.  
They revise their notes before each write their part.   
“And who will do the drawings? Teacher will value that and not just text” Hannah wonders.  
“Are you sure we can not have an invited illustrator? My friends draw that pretty well” Nathan comments.  
“I’d thought you’d be a good illustrator too. You are also in the AV club and like comics”  
“I repair devices, I am not skilled to drawing. Well, I guess the result will be understable. What about we draw each other part of the work?” He suggests with out a second thought. She nods and they get to it. 

Meanwhile Elizabeth is visiting Marta. Sam is with Roberto in the music shop. They are talking calmly about their children.  
“Are you sure you are feeling ok? You look a bit pale today.” Marta comments worried.  
“Is ok, just the weather” Elizabeth excuses. But few minutes later then she feels not well, she not speaks coherently, she feels sudden pain which is shocking. Marta helps her stay conscious and breathing, although Elizabeth can barely speak. Elizabeth not seems to stay awake so Marta calls an ambulance and Garland. They arrive quickly and take her to the hospital.  
“Where is Nathan?” Garland asks Marta worried before getting in the ambulance.  
“He is studying at Hannah’s. He should be back home shortly”  
“You stay with him. I’ll call you when I can” Garland closes the ambulance door.   
Marta considers if going to Hannah or wait his return is better. She hopes Elizabeth is ok. She calls Roberto, mostly to calm herself.

Nathan arrives a bit late, Marta is waiting at her entrance. Nathan got the project.  
“Come here dear. Elizabeth is not home. Garland is with her” Marta tries to stay strong as a confused Nathan approaches her. She welcomes him with a hug different than any hug he received before. Is she crying? What has happened? Why is she crying? Why is mom not home? Why is dad not home? Eden greets him rubbing their head with his hand.  
“What happened?” Nathan says in a voice he not recognises himself.  
“We were talking, she did not felt well. I called an ambulance. She will be ok” Marta tells him caressing his hair for comfort.  
“Is the heart, right?” Nathan asks.  
“We don’t know yet. Your dad has not called. Come on, get in. Roberto and Sam will be here soon. He can drive you to your parents” Marta offers although she knows Nathan will not be allowed to visit Elizabeth for his age. He is yet so young.  
Nathan sits on the couch. He can’t stop looking at the empty space where Elizabeth uses to sit. Marta offered him some snacks but he not feels like eating anything. He knows he shouldn’t had left home today. Maybe if he would had been back earlier and not stopped by for the project.   
“Is nobody’s fault Nathan. Nature and Biology are like that, that’s why some people enhances every second, nobody knows what the nect will bring” as if reading his stormy mind Marta comments him, she suts next to him. “Is ok if you need to cry Nathan. I cried” Nathan looks at her quizzically. The phone rings and both run to pick up.  
“She had a heart attack. Should have had surgery before. They are stabilizing her. Should need surgery when she is less weak” Garland tells her, sadness in his voice. “You told Nathan?” By hearing his name, Nathan picks the phone.  
“Dad? How’s mom? Why didn’t you told me she was ill?” Nathan asks him frustrated while rubbing his hair.  
“She choose not to worry you. She thought the medicines would be enough. I not agreed with that but I respected her choice. Argueing now will not help Nathan. Stay calm son. I’ll stay with her. Try to eat and get some sleep, you’ll come over tomorrow, I promise. I, we love you son” Garland told him.  
“Wait. Can she speak?” Nathan asks him.  
“Right now she is sedated in observation. They are still running tests. She will get surgery when she is stable enough for that. She’ll talk soon” Garland tells him. He passes the phone to Marta. Roberto and Sam get home. Sam runs to hug Nathan but is disappointed he not moves. Roberto hugs him.  
“She will be fine” Roberto tells him.  
Nathan barely eats, just few bits that Sam insisted for him to try. He is yet processing what has happened and playing all possible outcomes in his mind. He barely sleeos yet overthinking what may happen by next day. He replays the previous weeks in detail looking for a sign that would had warned and prevented that from happening. Hevtries to think she will be alright, but somehow he feels a heavy weight while himself feels weightless. 

The next morning, not Nathan nor Roberto go to class. Garland comes to the Martin’s and told them about the last updates. Nathan insistend on being present. He does not know how he fees. Too many mixed emotions. Frustrated even lied to. Was really her choice not to tell him?  
“I promise you when she wakes and talk you will see her. Will you be ready?” Garland tells him. He Nathan nods. Is he really ready? He has never seen someone in hospital.

A few days later when Elizabeth is stable, she wakes up asking for Nathan. She is yet weak, and although doctors possitivelly say she is strong for surgery, Garland is doubtful. Such a difficult choice. What would Elizabeth choose to do if it were the case. Garland has no doubt if it was Nathan, she would choose surgery even if the chances of success were 1 in millions. Before she will get surgery Nathan is allowed to visit her. He had considered not going. But if it were him waiting for surgery, he’d want her to visit him. He had not gone to class. Roberto told his teachers and he got allowed time off for a few days. Hannah, Julia, Noelle and Grayson visited him to try to distract him. They can just wait. But Nathan just listens, he barely speaks, and not smiles. Even Duke came over, Daniela and Ivan spoke to him too. That week Nathan not felt like replying his week letters and he skipped McGyver. Marta offered to watch the shiw with him, but he not feels like it. He is playing cassette after cassette on his walkman, even the ones he not really likes, amy distraction to routine.

Saturdy, 23 january 1988.  
Nathan is allowed to visit Elizabeth. The Martin’s accompany the Wuornos. Julia’s mom is taking care of Sam.  
Nathan is nervous, he has heard a lot how there are machines controlling her pulse, and all that. He heard she is less weak, so she will get surgery this upcoming week.  
He is thrown aback to the wall as soon as he passes the treshold. She weakly smiles at him. Garland places his hand on Nathan’s back. “Be strong” he whispers him and Nathan looks at him confused, but does as requested. Both approach her bed.  
“My kindest. I’ll be fine.” Elizabeth tells him. He quickly holds her hand firmly. “You are getting strong. I’m very proud of you. You are the best that ever happened” Elizabeth squeezes his hand. Nathan feels like crying. “I will get surgery this monday, so fear not. I’ll be fine. We’ll do that trip this summer. You’ll study there in a few years.” Elizabeth tells him caressing his palm. He nods. “We’ll be happy. I want you to be happy Nathan, do not close yourself to happiness. Those are justba few hard days, but we’ll ger over them, back to normal, but better” she tells him. He keeps nodding although he not feels sure about it.  
“Why didn’t you tell me mom?” He asks her.  
“It was my choice to make. I’m sorry. I did not want you to worry. I thought medicines would be enough. Doctors are good ones and will do a great job, don’t worry. We’ll be having ice creams in the park while Sam runs around sooner than you think. You are almost like her brother, I like the connection you both have, I wish you had that experience with an actual sibiling. Don’t stop spending time with your friends, you are a good son for sharing happiness as you do” Elizabeth tries to cheer him up. They squeeze hands. “Whatever happens this monday during surgery, know that I love you and I want you to be happy, any way you need, be it only with friends, share it, be happy Nathan” she squeezes his hand, and he kisses her palm and forehead. 

Nathan leaves the room, a bit less anxious as before. He is conflicted still. He feels angry because he was not told, but is true, it was her choice to make, still is frustrating.  
He returns to the Martin’s. Garland is allowed to spend the night at the hospital. Nathan finally eats a bit. He is too tired and finally gets some sleep.

Sunday, 24 january 1988  
Although Martin’s are not very religious they get him to attend mass. They figure out he might need such comfort, or at least he’s get to see his friend Hannah, and they are sure he needs some distraction. They are also worried about the upcoming surgery.  
When they return at midday, they find a devastated Garland sitting at the door. Side by side are Teagues. Nathan always found them curious and although the journalists are funny he has learnt that them being around is usually a hint of bad news coming up. The tallest one hugs him.  
“I am very sorry son. Be strong” Vincent tells him.  
Nathan not feels like himself. Peaople ariund him hug each other, crying, share condolences. He barely listens, feels like being underwater, where voices and figures are barely clear to understand. He feels a void in his stomach. Like a chord is cut. He had been feeling strange just before mass. From what he hears from Garland that’s the exact moment she had passed away.   
They get home and Garland tells him to put on that dark suit she got him for St Valentine that time he skipped their restaurant dinner. Who would had thought that.  
He feels on autopilot. He greets, he nods. Over and over he hear the same condolences, and the reminder that is ok to cry. He is just so overwhelmed that he nit knows what he is happening. He thinks is just a bad dream. He will wake up things will be fine again.

The days go by. He spends his time in his room. Again listening cassesttes. He geels absent in class, with the club. He not feels present. He refuses tomeat pizza. He cinsiders quitting the club. He cancels his week plans, or declines any routine reminder. Garland spends most his time with Teaguess or the M.E. or hunting. When he comes home, Nathan soon senses he is drunk. They barely speak. Marta has invited him for dinner several days. Since Sam is always there he agrees and attends. The only person he smiles with is Sam. She got the habit to hold his hand and is the only one he lets this close.

After the second week declining going to the cinema Julia comes over. He not opens the door.  
“I know you are there Nathan. You are in pain, you ate grieving. I know it hurts. I not really know what you are going throught, I had not lost any of my parents, although I had never known my father, is an absence I learnt to live with, I had no other choice than that, she has never told me who he is. I was angry, I still am at times, she can tall me any day, but refuses to, is her chiice, her right, although it involves me, I guess she has her reasons. And there was times I dwelled on that. But that helps nothing. You are a rational person, Nathan, you know that. Do not close off your feelings. Admit the feelings. You are angry, frustrated. Fine, you have your right for your feelings, but what you do with them, is your responsability. Do you really think shuting out your friends is what she wanted? If she would had made it, would you be shuting us out now? Punishing yourself will change nothing. Every mom want their children to be happy, honour that when you are done dwelling on pain”   
Nathan is so frustrated he throws his walkman against the wall of his bedroom. The walkman breaks. 

Haven, february 1988.  
Nathan finally accepts going at Grayson. They have a school project to do. At some point Nathan talks amusedly at Grayson about a technology article he had read about computers. Suddenly Grayson closes his eyes while Nathan speaks.  
“Fine, fine” Grayson signs him. Nathan thinks Grayson is tired of lipreading or he is speaking too fast, so he signs about the article. Grayson still not opens his eyes. Nathan gently palms his shoulder.  
“I am just doing what you did to Julia. Shuting you out. Funny, right?” Grayson signs him. “We care about you. We are trying to help you. You owe her an apology”   
“I’m sorry. I will talk to her”

As days go by, Nathan is still not used to the new habit. Every time he goes to run some errand and he crosses by this or that acquaintance they give him condolences, ehich is just a reminder of his loss. He is conflicted about that, he knows they are honest, they really miss her too, but he not needs those reminders.

For St Valentine Nathan and Garland go to the cementery with her favourite flowers, they eat at home. Garland tries to be friendly and cooks with Nathan. He even agreed to have pancakes. But Nathan is complaining about any help.  
“Is not like that. Mom did that first. You never cooked with her?” Nathan argues.  
“Well, you know my job keeps me busy son” Garland excuses himself.  
“Before I was born too? You did not cook together when you were dating?” Nathan comments him.  
Garland is taken aback. Nathan not remembers who his father is? And what is most shocking he is talking about dating.  
“Well, you see, even she not had the patience for a clumsy apprentice as myself” Garland tries to joke.  
“I helped her cook even when I felt nothing. No heat, no cold” Nathan reasons, which makes Garland feel awful. He should had been more supportive then, and now he not knows how.  
“How is the penpalling going?” Garland tries to be friendly again.  
“Is going fine. None of them or the AV club people are my partner” Nathan suddenly says.  
“I did not meant it like that”  
“Well, you think I had not noticed the many times you commented on that? That tone when I went to their place to study. Study. Why is so hard for you to understand I not have such interest, I may never will. Admit it dad, bullies were right, your son is a freak. There! I’m sorry you’d prefered a troublemaker like the Crocket or a charming like the Brody but I have no interest in being like them. I am me.” Nathan suddenly burst out before going to leave the kitchen in frustration.  
“Don’t say that about yourself. You are not a freak. I never thought of you being one. How you are is ok, Nathan” Garland tries to offer him support, but Nathan refuses any approach and goes to his room. Nearly a month after she is gone, he finally cries.

A few days later while he walks in the park with Sam, is getting late and she holds his hand to go back home. She not wants the stroller now.  
“Where is Beta?”   
“She had to go” he tells Sam.  
“Where?”   
“Far”  
“Why?”  
“She was needed somewhere else”  
“Mom told me she is in the sky now. Dad says she is a star and looks after us” Sam resolves, Nathan nods. He is getting teary eyed.  
“She does? Even when is day?” Sam’s curiosity continues.  
“Yeah, she does”  
“I miss her. Will she be back?”  
“I miss her too. I don’t think she will”  
“Does she misses us, Nene?” Sam asks her.  
“Probably”  
“Can we call her? My yaya is far too, and we call her” Sam cheerfully offers.  
“I don’t know, do you know how to call the stars?” Nathan asks her back.  
“I think you know. You are older, you know more” Sam resolves. Nathan can’t help but smile at her.

Haven, june 1988  
As planned, Nathan and the AV club go to watch the Roger Rabbit premiere. Marta asked them to take Sam since are cartoons, but spoilers about Judge Doom, Julia told her Sam was better at home. And really that character is so traumatic for cartoon fans. He wants to destroy toontown in that liquid. And the eye-dagers? Nathan really likes Jessica.  
The next days all the guys are commenting about her in such a disgusting way.   
He has joined the swimming pool for the summer withnhis friends. A change in routine which might be good. Today Grayson missed since he is visiting his grandma.   
One of the guys is mimicking her quote “I’m not bad. I am just drawn that way” Nathan not pays attention in the rest room. Everyone notices he is the only one not talkimg about that. Before getting on the pool two guys whisper at each other. The charming Chris suddenly joins Nathan.  
“I saw you at the cinema the other day. The movie was nice, right? Roger was so funny” Chris tells him. Nathan is confused about why Chris talking to him. And he must admit that up close, he had nice eyes. He can understand why all the girls swoon for him. “Is your locker and your bag safe, right?” Chris suddenly asks him.  
“Yes, why?” Nathan asks him confused.  
“I just saw two friends of Wade going back to the rest room. Wait here a minute. I’ll be back” Chris tells him. Nathan considers if that is a prank or he is serious. But Chris had bever been in those pranks before. Finally since Chris not returning he goes after him. He finds one of Wade friends touching his jaw in pain but leaving. Chris is placing back Nathan’s bag in the open locker.  
“They were going to do something with your bag” Chris tells him.   
“Thank you” Nathan says confused.  
“You must be bored of hearing that, but I am sorry for your loss. I’ve not experienced that, but my parents are divorced. I can relate how you must miss her.” Chris offers him a hand shake.   
“Is the phrase I’ve been hearing most the whole semester, but thanks for your concern” Nathan says.  
“I mean it, if you need to talk or hang out to not overthink or something, just say so. You could try diving, if you want. I normally do sports solo, but you seem a nice company” Chris offers him.  
“I’ll think about it” Nathan resolves.

Haven, october 1988  
Nathan spent the summer trying water sports that Chris likes, but he not feels skilled for any of them, still they had good fun that day all them eent to the beach and played volley ball. The girls won. In july he went to Orono with Garland. Elizabeth he’d get used to how to move around there for when he’d go to college. She wanted him to study and knows he tends to get lost in new places. Was then when Garland finally convinced him to have pizza. Nathan had not eaten one since Elizabeth passed away.  
He has joined the penpal program again, he is doubtful about travelling abroad. Really he just thinks that Garland will not interested in hearing about his experience abroad. He always pictured Elizabeth there. But maybe that trip will help him to settle his yet confused emotions. He has been feeling directionless, like a castaway.   
The penpal programme matches him with a Colombian named Overdán, his family is planning of moving to Spain for college. The guys try to pick on him and “his pempal boyfriend”. Chris did a master move to shut them all up. He left a note in the locker of the guys in class, setting a meet on the tree behind the entry, also known as the schools’s kissing corner. All the guys were confused to find just Chris waiting and no girl near there. “Now you all have a penpal boyfriend too”. The guys stopped picking on Nathan, who by the way knows nothing about that, he is just thankful that for whatever reason since Chris is his friend, they are friends, right? The guys stopped picking on him.

Haven, december 1988  
Nathan considers to not celebrate his birthday, but since Sam is so looking forward to give him her gift, he sets a sort of picnic in the backyard.   
Julia gifts him a new walkman, which he knows is quite expensive.   
“Keep it. Probably I was harsh on you when you shut us out. Now we are even” Julia explains seeing his confused face.  
“I hope you like it” Sam tells him cheerfully.  
Her gift is a small flowerpot with Elizabeth’s favourite flower. Nathan gets teary eyed. Kneels down amd hugs her.  
“Son preciosas, muchas gracias” Nathan tells her in spanish, although lately she had been very chatty in english.  
Later Nathan sets the plant in the entry’s garden.

Martin’s invite them over for Xmas. Nathan misses Elizabeth. He yet looks at the empty space she has left. He still argues with Garland most weeks, at least now he show up drunk less often. After Xmas dinner, Nathan packs all past cross-stitch in a big box. He may get back to see them some day, he hopes, but right now he just can’t. This year they had no Xmas decorations at home, none had the will to put them in the living room. Maybe he will feel different about that over time.


	5. 5 - Sweet dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating last week. I’ll post the next one by the weekend.
> 
> Spanish “Daniela, me conoces de muchos años, sabes que le gusto. Trato igual a todos mis amigos. ¿Porque habría de tratarla diferente, porque ella esté por mi?” = Daniela, you know me for many years, you know she likes me. I treat all my friends the same. Why would I treat her different because she likes me?” 
> 
> Curious note, the two movie quotes Nathan says, are said by the headcanoned aromantic character, Bill S Preston Esquire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning.  
> Hunting! Panic Attack!  
> Fight! Blood!

Chapter 5 - “Sweet dreams”

Haven, 24 January 1989  
Is the first anniversary. Nathan has thought a lot about what to do. Solitude or be busy to not overthink? Julia’s mom invited them over for dinner. Garland agreed. Garland and Eleanor talk a lot now, more than Laverne and that gets Nathan confused. Is not like they seem flirty but still. The truth is Garland does not know how to approach Nathan at times, so he consults the other single parent he knows.  
Garland and Nathan go with a flower each to Elizabeth’s tombstone. While they are looking at it, silently conversing with her or their own mind, Nathan feels a small hand holding his. Sam and her parents went there, small flower in hand. They share a comforting smile. Hannah is looking at the scene but is hesitant if approach them or not. Roberto drives them all to the Carr’s.   
To Nathan and Julia surprise the Teagues are also there. Julia notices that Dave is always between Vincent and her mother.  
“Isn’t that a bit curious?” Julia asks Nathan.  
“I don’t do gossip Julia” Nathan replies, she gently hits his side.  
“Be rational, help me analyse. Why is always Dave in the middle of them two? Oh, Vincent saw, is glancing, now, is going to a corner. The brothers are talking. What is going on Nathan? Good now my mom is talking with your dad” Julia narrates him as Nathan twists a straw, Sam on his other side. The last sentence peaked his interest so he glances at them.   
“Hey, is not like our parents are dating. Chill” Julia tells him sensing him conflicted.  
“I not said that” Nathan denies.  
“Not only words speak aloud. Problems at home?” Julia asks him.  
“Misunderstanding here and there. He coming late, drunk. Some days being surprisingly friendly.”  
“Well, you did shut us out, broke your walkman, thought of dropping the club. Everyone manages loss differently. Maybe you should approach him, talk your issues.” Julia reasons him.  
“Do you think I, we had not tried? Maybe is yet too soon.” Nathan reasons.  
“Well is not like he was closer before, I hope you two can work it out. So how is going with Chris?”  
“Fine. He is planning to watch that time travel movie next month. I may go too”   
“So you two, are friends?” Julia ask him hesitantly  
“As friends as with Grayson, Hannah, you” Nathan replies on a matter of fact tone.  
“Umm, you repair devices with Grayson, talk novels with Hannah. What swimming do you do with Chris in winter?” Julia asks. Nathan looks at her confused.  
“We are just friends Julia.” He clarifies tone annoyed.  
“And that is why I am asking. Your friendships are over a mutual hobby, which is great. His is swimming, winter is not friendly for that, so what do you do? You tell me he not has annoying rest room conversations like Wade does? Chris knows all girls swoon for him. Wait, are you interested in someone now and he is giving you advice on how to flirt? Is it Hannah?” Julia asks half joking.  
“Again, we are just friends. We are just knowing each other more, that’s all. I can have friends outside the club, you know.” Nathan replies.  
“Ok, ok. Sorry. So are you going to the movie? I think Crocket want to go too.” Julia comments.  
“Wade or Duke?” Nathan asks.  
“Wade drags Duke everywhere. Duke is not as bad as he may seem. He is just a bit misguided.” Julia says.  
“Oh, now I get it. You two?” Nathan asks her nodding. She seems confused. “Grayson said you were under the tree talking too close. Aren’t you and Noelle together?” Nathan asks confused.  
“What too close is, can be debated Nathan. If you are asking if Duke and I did kiss, yes we did, on a birthday party, playing spin the bottle. It was a game, that’s all.” Julia replies.  
“So you and Noelle?” Nathan asks.  
“Don’t you say you not do gossip? Is not like Noelle and I are each other’s shadow or something. We go with who we want. Any problem with that? Because last time I checked is her business and mine, nobody else” Julia replies. He nods.  
“They are talking again, there’s no Dave” Nathan tells her after a while. Julia looks at her mom confused.  
“Why you apply for yourself rules different than to her? I don’t think they are together, but if they were, why would it be a problem? Can’t your mom be with who she wants too?” Nathan asks her.  
“You’d be ok if your dad were to be with my mom? Are you aware that would eventually make us step-sibilings?” Julia asks him.  
Nathan is deep in thought, which Julia reads as, like her, he would not like the idea. Althought Nathan is considering which part she likes less, the sibilings or the step-parents. True, specially if it were that soon after widowing, Nathan would feel it a disrespect to his mother’s memory. But is true too, both Nathan and Garland are young, and he knows that specially widow with children remarry at some point. And well seems the days that Garland has been talking with Eleanor he is more friendly and drunkless. But then Nathan also remembers all the drama that Chris has told him about their parents divorce, althought is not really similar. Would Nathan really be ok if Garland would ever date someone? Would Garland even tell him?  
“Nathan, come on, is getting late, we are going home” Garland tells him. When they get back home, while Nathan is reading a magazing and Garland watching some tv in the living room. Nathan glances at Garland several times.  
“What it is?” Garland asks him. Nathan ponders how to ask.  
“If you were to be dating someone, you would tell me, right?” Nathan asks him.  
“What? What got you to think that I would date someone, son?” Garland asks him confused.  
“Many widows with kids remarry” Nathan replies.  
“Well, I am not one of those. I miss Beth, but I would not be with someone else, that someone would not be her. I love her, being with someone else would not be fair to anyone” Garland reasons.  
“You not think a person can love two different people for different reasons?” Nathan asks him.  
“Maybe I am just too old fashioned, but I do not think that is for me. Maybe it is fine for young people. Um, why do you ask me that? Do you think I am seeing anyone? Are you interested in two people?” Garland asks him hesitantly.  
“Well, you talk a lot with Eleanor lately.” Nathan replies.  
“She is a friend of the family, as is Laverne or Marta. Do you pick me for the town’s womanizer for speaking with a woman now because I am widow?” Garland asks him back, tone annoyed.  
“I did not meant it like that” Nathan replies.  
“You have your friends. I have mines too. Do you think every day without her is easy for me? Do you think I am not frustrated too? Maybe if I told her to get surgery early she would still be here. Do you think I not think that too Nathan? I just don’t go around throwing stuff against walls” Garland replies.  
“You are right, you are more adult about that, you get home drunk” Nathan replies back annoyed and goes to his room. There he loops the same track Eurythmics’s Sweet dreams. He got the habit of playing that one when a nightmare awakes him. Maybe if he listen to that one before sleep he won’t have nightmares.

Haven, 17 february 1989  
Nathan goes to “Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure” premiere with Chris, Grayson, Julia and Noelle. Nathan is really happy that romance is quite lowkey, particularly with Bill, he is not mocked for it, he is fun on his own, not the punchline of the joke, he is resolutive, he is loyal and witty. Although his young step-mother, specially after his conversation with Julia a month ago, feels uncomfortable. Would Garland do that too?. Now that he thinks about it, Ted’s mom is not seen nor mentioned either. The scene with Napoleon, got Grayson to happily sign rainbow. Only Nathan seemed to got that. Lately Grayson is interested about the fashion related with music, about the visual performances of bands like Queen. He also pays more attention about his aspect, asking Nathan if his colours are well matched, as if Nathan were a fashion expert or something.  
As soon as they leave the venue they stumble with Wade and company, Duke included.   
“Party on, dudes!” Duke shouts at them.  
“Be excellent to each other!” Nathan shouts back, which surprises them all.  
“69 dudes!” Replies Wade.   
“Maybe you should start learning how to play” Nathan quotes back. Wade looks at them angry.  
“Van Halen rocks” Julia and Chris shouts back, which gets Wade friends to air guitar, so Wade calms down.  
Nathan is happy when he gets home. He wants to check all that music refered in the movie soon, although is more the type that Crocket listen to. It was so fun to see Socrates, although obviously he had no dialogue. Nathan is getting interested a bit in Philosophy now.

Haven, march 1989  
Roberto is teaching guitar in the shop both to Nathan and Sam. Sam plays a cavaquinho, which is a portuguese small guitar similar to an ukelele in size, but has 4 strings, like a bass.   
Roberto is concerned about the yet on-going tension between the Wuornos. He had invited over a Haven-returned friend, Leo Mann. Leo has been friendly talking with them all. Before he leaves, he left a card on the table. Nathan picks it reading.  
“Psychologist?” Nathan reads confused.  
“Ah, he just leaves me a card for if a friend needs to talk instead of bottling up. He is nice, right?” Roberto replies friendly.  
“I am not that friend, right? I talk to you. I not bottle up.” Nathan replies.  
“There is nothing you rather tell to Garland? I am ok you tel me, you are like a son to us, but still, he is your father. And don’t take me wrong, but I know many things you tell me, you would had told Beta. Why you not tell to Garland?” Roberto reasons him.  
“He is not Elizabeth” Nathan replies.  
“Nor am I. Nobody else is going to be her. But you should can confide in your dad a bit more, don’t you think?” Roberto reasons him.  
“We argued on her anniversary. I try to talk. I asked him if he would date anyone, he got annoyed” Nathan replies.  
“Maybe it was a bit too forward.” Roberto reasons him. “Well if that dynamic works for you, fine. I said nothing.” Roberto replies after a while.  
“But you did say it. Is not ok the things I consulted you about my friends? I know you not gossip either. My dad kinda does. What do you think he would had done if I’d ask him about Grayson change about his aspect? Or about Hannah wanting to go swimming in the summer? He would think dating, dating. You don’t do that.” Nathan reasons him.  
“You told me he had not brought that up in a while. Nathan is ok if you are not now, nor ever interested in that, just enjoy your friendships”. Roberto tells him.  
“Do you really think I need a psychologist?” Nathan asks Roberto concerned.  
“You are not the one getting drunk. I am more concerned about yout dad. But going or not is a choice. He not ought to go if he not wants to. You’ve seen Leo is nice to talk to, not judging, is reasonable, comforting. Maybe talking to him would help your dad better than talking to J.D.. Is just an option to choose from. Choice is free, as are options. If you can’t really choose then is not an option because is not free.” Roberto explains Nathan. Nathan nods.  
Nathan leaves that card on Garland’s jacket that night.

A few days later Garland goes to Roberto’s shop.  
“Can you explain me what was that doing on my jacket? Who is that for? Nathan is alright” Garland says defensivelly.  
“I am well aware he is fine, more considering his current circumstances. For which I am concerned about is you. Do you really think she would be happy to know you are getting drunk as you do now?” Roberto confronts him.  
“Don’t involve Beth in that. You don’t know what I am going through Roberto. You have no idea” Garland protest him.  
“You are right, I have no idea, because you choose to mumble to J.D. instead of actually talking to your friends. You are not alone Garland, we are here, but we can’t help you if you close off your emotions” Roberto reasons him.  
“You have your method, I have mine. Don’t mess with me” Garland warns him.  
“I said nothing then. Have a good day” Roberto says leaving the cashier.

Haven, june 1989  
School year is over. For some reason Duke and Chris have befriended each other those last months so they spent time at Nathan’s. Nathan is not really sure how they got here, but, there they are, Nathan, Duke, Garland and his hunt friends about to hunt. Chris excused himself to not attend, but Nathan can’t do the same.  
Nathan only goes for rabbits. Garland, as his friends, hunt a deer. Duke is amazed. Nathan very much the opposite, as soon as Garland piece is down on the ground, Nathan is overwhelmed and goes to sit in the car. He is rocking himself, trying not to hyperventilate, his eyes teary eyed. Duke goes to the backseat to pick some snacks and finds Nathan mid-panic attack. Duke glances him curiously but leaves, none of them comment about that nor betwen them or to anyone. Duke has brought a cassette. As soon as Garland saw the title ‘Pretty hate machine’, he did not let him play it in the car, still when they drive Duke back home the cassette remains in the car until Nathan picks it and plays it in his walkman before sleep. He finds himself head bouncing to most the melodies, which he finds as reenergizing as relaxing. As the cassette finishes he goes to find an empty box to put it in to give back to Duke the next day. To his surprise the cassette has Wade’s name on both sides. That makes Nathan feel confused. Can he dislike troublemaker Wade but like his music? Still Nathan gave the cassette back to Duke the next day.

Haven, july 1989  
AV club and Chris decided to go hiking to the woods. Nathan is picking materials to set a bonfire since is getting cold and they still want to stay to talk and is yet not dark. A small pine cone lands next to him, he not seem to notice or thinks it fell from the branches. Another pinecone, that one hits his shoulder. Soon more follow on his back.  
“Bunny!” Someone shouts. Nathan throws a log behind his back, at the same time some steps run far away behind him. Nathan throws another log behind his back.  
“Hey there Terminator. They left. I think were Wade friends. Must be annoyed that we came near their smoking area. Let’s go back to the group” Chris tells Nathan. Since he was taking time to get back to the group, Chris went looking for him.  
They talk about High School. Noelle looks at Nathan often. She approaches him and they talk about comics, then Noelle talks about Hannah, asking Nathan about her hobbies. Nathan not sees a hidden intention in the conversation, but Grayson lipsread their conversation and signs Nathan in confusion. “Why is she interested in her?”

The next day Nathan goes to see Duke, he is in his backyard alone.  
“You told them about the hunting, right?” Nathan forwardly asks him walking towards him.  
“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Duke shortly replies.  
“I gave you back your cassette and you gossip with the bullies?” Nathan asks him.  
“Again, I don’t know what are you talking about. Which bullies now?” Duke says arrogantly.  
“They were in the woods yesterday. Is it because you were not invited to hiking?” Nathan asks  
“They go there to smoke and not get caught, end of story. I don’t have minions”  
“But Wade does, you told him about my panic attack when hunting, right?”   
“Wade is my brother, I can not change that. Is not my fault you are a single child, Nathan”  
Nathan punches him.  
“What is wrong with you?” Duke says touching his face. His palm has blood. His lip did cut. Duke throws Nathan to the ground and they punch at each other until Simon comes over from his ship.  
“What are you two doing? I am going to think is not Wade the problematic one, but you Nathan. Both of you, get inside. I’ll tend both your injuries” the three get inside. Nathan’s side of his eyebrow got cut, some scratches from the ground aswell. Simon tends both injuries.  
“Are you going to solve your problems like that every time?” Simon reprimands them.  
“I know, dialogue.” Nathan replies.  
“What? No, no. Sports, even betting. Some competition, but punching out of the blue. Was it about a girl?” Simon asks them, both teens eyeroll.  
“Ah, you both like the same girl, right? Yeah, been there. They like the most forward guy. Or the one that wins a bet. So who is?” Simon asks, no teen replies. “Wait is it about another guy?” Simon asks, both teens glance at each other. “Oh, is Chris right? You both like the same girl but Chris got her, right? Guys like him are so full of themselves” Simon resolves.  
“If that happens again, I will tell the Chief” Simon warns Nathan.  
Finally Nathan leaves. Garland gets home late that night, clueless about the incident, and Nathan is already sleeping.

Haven, 13 august 1989  
Perseids night. Nathan has been so looking forward. Noelle got interested in astronomy after her summer camp and suggested the idea two weeks ago. They planned it ahead. As soon as they told their parents to stargaze in the night, obvious is in the night, with tents to spend the night because sometimes Perseids are seen quite late in the night, and the fact that there will be boys and girls, all the parents asked for another adult to accompany them. Nathan not sees the point why but even Roberto said the same. Garland has been looking him a lot, commenting a lot on who he goes with, to do what, or if he now combs his hair differently. What do they think is going to happen?   
Finally they set a bonfire and the tents, one for the guys, one for the girls. There go Nathan, Grayson, Chris, Ivan, Duke, Daniela, Sam, Julia, Hannah, Noelle, Deborah, Leo, Eleanor and Roberto. Deborah is Julia’s friend, Leo’s child, Roberto’s psychologist friend. Carr, Mann and Martin families are friends.  
Sam falls asleep before Perseids can be seen. Leo tells them stories about costelations and mythology. And teaches them how to find the north in the night.   
After some snack almost everyone is paired up. Julia and Noelle behind a big log. During the night all the others accompany Nathan at some point, usually one by one.  
“Is kinda romantic what Leo said, about the Corona Borealis” Hannah tells Nathan, rubbing her own hands, her head lean on his shoulder. Nathan looks at her puzzled for her words.  
“Romantic?” Nathan asks her.  
“Yes, he brough the stars to cheer her up” Hannah replies.  
“But the other guy left her alone in that island, how is that romantic?” Nathan asks confused.  
“Well, but if it weren’t because of that they probably would not had known each other. Life has twists, is not always petals. Flowers have thorns too, yet they are not less pretty” Hannah tells him. He looks quizzical yet.  
“I know that” He replies.  
“So, you don’t think that nature is pretty? Sun set, sun rise. Is cute” Hannah replies. Nathan would give her a scientific answer about how that are natural phenomenons that happen every day, everywhere.  
“You heard about aurora borealis? That is a really cute phenomenon. Sky lights in green and other tones. That is really pretty. Would be nice to see” Nathan replies. Hannah nods and shivers. “Cold?” He asks her, she nods. He rests his hand over her arm for warmth. “Better?” She nods.  
“Sorry to interrupt but the fire is out, that is why is cold” Daniela says going to set the fire back in. Hannah excuses herself and goes to Grayson. Nathan looks confused.  
“So you two finally are an item?” Daniela asks Nathan, sitting in front.  
“What? No. We are friends” Nathan replies for the nth time.  
“You are quite oblivious. She likes you. That’s why she shivered, because you were leaning on each other, that is why she left as I arrived. You not like her back? And yet you cuddle her like that?” Daniela tells him.  
“The fire was out, it was cold. She needed warmth, we were not cuddling.” Nathan replies.  
“Ok. But you think you two shouldn’t talk about it? She obviously likes you. You may not like her, yet you do cute things for her, you may not see it as such, but you do. Shouldn’t you talk about that? Expectations can hurt, and seems she has some” Daniela reasons him.  
“What is there to say?” Nathan asks her confused.  
“If you not like her like that and you know, you should tell her. Or do you think you might eventually like her like that too?” Daniela asks him.  
“Aren’t we yet too young for all that? I don’t see the point of it all. All that confusion on if someone likes some else, when to tell, and surprise a third gets offended.” Nathan replies.  
“What did I missed?” Daniela asks curious.  
“Duke and I punched. His dad thought it was because we both liked the same girl but Chris got in the way. No, is not that, we not like the same girl, I don’t think we’ll ever do.” Nathan replies.  
“So you are not curious at all about say, kissing someone? I mean if just that you not see the point of exclusivity, you can just casual kiss someone instead” Daniela tells him.  
“I know some do. Julia does, good for her. But no, I am not interested nor curious. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.” Nathan replies.  
“Ok. I did not meant to offend you, sorry. Is fine if you never do. But I still think you might better talk to her at some point. She’s been crushing on you for a while. Wouldn’t you like to know?” She asks him.  
“If I not feel the same, what difference would that make if I know?” Nathan asks her.  
“So knowing that she likes you makes no difference for you? You treat her the same as if you would not know?” Daniela asks him.  
“Daniela, me conoces de muchos años, sabes que le gusto. Trato igual a todos mis amigos. ¿Porque habria de tratarla diferente, porque ella esté por mi?” Nathan replies to her.  
“Ok, as you think is best” Daniela goes back with Chris. Few minutes later they seem to be kissing, Nathan eyerolls. Deborah quietly sits next to him. She is wearing a thin jacket.  
“Are you cold?” Nathan asks her noticing her shivers. She shakes her head.  
“Seems everyone is paired up.” Deborah comments.  
“Seems is most of what they do. I rather not talk about that” Nathan replies.  
“So, what are you interested about? Heard some good new music recently?” Deborah ask him noticing his walkman.  
“Um, yeah. But I am not sure you’d like. Julia, Noelle and Hannah not like it” Nathan comment.  
“Well they are important, but they are not everybody. Could I give it a listen?” Deborah asks.  
“I not have the cassette here. Roberto has in his shop. Want to go there and listen tomorrow?” Nathan asks her. She nods. They have a nice conversation about their hobbies, and they make jokes. Eventually everyone went to sleep in the tents.  
Next day as mentioned, Nathan goes with Deborah to listen to some cassettes at Roberto’s shop. Both get a copy.

Haven, December 1989  
Nathan is freshman in High School. Everyone is more into popularity. Over the summer he got taller, more slim. His voice wavers, which is so awkward, so he tends to be more silent.   
He takes and picks up Sam from school some days. He is still in the penpal programme, the AV club and he is considering the journal for the second semester. He manages to avoid welcome pranks. He goes at Deborah’s often, Leo is really friendly and lately Nathan confides on him more than on Roberto. AV club prepared a surprise party for his birthday the day before. They played videogames at Julia. Chris seems a bit sad since Daniela is not there and asks Nathan a lot about her, because he knows they write weekly. Nathan wonders why he would not write her too. The day after his birthday he goes for a walk with Deborah. He feels very close to her lately, he has no rational reason why. They see each other very often, they share lots of hobbies, seem to like the same jokes. Some days ago they were on her bed reading comics until both fell asleep. He has noticed her different lately, he not knows what exactly it is. He likes to see her talk so happily about her hobbies, explain the things he not knows with that confidence she has on what she knows, not patronizing, in fact they tend to theorize together. Maybe is that he likes her? As he accompany her home.  
“Penny for your thoughts?” She asks him.  
“Nothing in particular” Nathan quickly replies.  
“Your curiously mind is silent? Which wonders got you speechless?” she replies playfully.   
“Um, I’m not sure what it is. But lately you seem different to me” he tells her as soon she looks at him. She gently approach him closer.  
“How different? As better?” Deborah asks curious. They softly hold both hands.  
“I don’t know. I just noticed that I really like your company. We get along very well although we know each shorthly. We can really talk about anything, we understand each other” Nathan tells her.  
“Ok, maybe we are each other close friend, is fine” Deborah replies to him.  
“Can I ask you?” Nathan asks hesitantly, rubbing his nape.  
“Yeah, we are friends, you can ask me anything”  
“I know might be confusing coming from me, and I mean no harm but, we really never talked about that, in fact we bonded over that, but do you like anyone?” Nathan rambles.  
“What?” She asks confused.  
“Maybe you like someone and you changed your looks, people do that. I don’t know, I just like looking at you recently” Nathan tells her.  
“Nathan you can like looking someone, it does not have to mean anything more. But my looks are not for someone in particular, I like my looks for me, if you like too is fine.” Deborah comments.  
“So, what does that means?” Nathan asks her confused.  
“What is confusing you?” She gently asks him.  
“That has not happened before. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what am I suppoused to do. Is that what people call a crush?” Nathan asks her confused.  
“What do you want to do about it?” She asks him back. He looks confused.  
“I don’t know”  
“Let’s do a quick exercise. Close your eyes.” She says, he looks puzzled, she nods and he close his eyes. “When you are enthrilled looking at me, what do you think about?”   
“That you are pretty” he replies blushing.  
“And I am pretty because ... of my hairdo?”   
“You are pretty because you look happy and confident, and you are resolutive, and easy to talk to, and understanding and funny”  
“None of those are physical traits”  
“I know. That is why it is so confusing”  
“Do you find me that pretty when I am not present? Say when you are listening to music”  
“When comes a song I know you like it makes me smile”  
“And that not happens with anyone else?” He shakes his head no. “And you just think I am pretty, not thought more about it? Not even in dreams?” He blushes. “What had you dreamt of me?. Is fine, I won’t think bad of you. I’m just trying to help you”  
“I think how pretty you looked when you fell asleep beside me reading comics the other day and how nice you felt beside me, warm” he says blushing.  
“Thank you. And what else you dream thinking of me?” She asks him.  
He burst lauging out of nervousness.  
“I’m sorry. I can’t. Is too confusing. You are my friend”   
“I didn’t meant you feel uncomfortable. You rather ignore that conversation?” She offers.  
“No, I’ll tell you. Just not right now. Is yet too confusong for me” he tells her.  
“Ok. Get home safely.” She quickly hugs him.  
Nathan gets in his room as soon as he gets back home. He shouldn’t had told her. Now what? They won’t be friends anymore, right? What awaits now if they are no longer friends? And the conversation is pending, she will bring that up again, and things will get super awkward. He can’t talk that without getting overwhelmed. Maybe writing that out helps? He starts to write and trying to explain more just gets him to remember more of those recent dreams that are so confusing, but which make him wake up with an smiley mood. Is he having a crush on Deborah? But they know each other for short. Although her family is from Haven they were living in Orono because of her dad’s work until he decided to return that is why he barely knew her until this summer. And summer to Xmas is yet too soon, right? And what if she not feels the same? Sure she does not, she would had said, right? And if she feels the same, then what? Are they a couple then? And they are suppoused to go to the kissing corners now? Does he really want to kiss her? Sure in the awkward dreams both liked it. But dreams are dreams and reality is reality, right? He has never kissed anyone, what if he does that wrong? Why is that happening? After the conversation with Daniela about Hannah, he has been thinking if he will ever feel for her what she seems to feel for him, and how to tell her. He wouldn’t like it hurts her, and he is not sure maybe he actually like her as she likes him when they are a bit older? Is just that Hannah interests and expectations that he not has so far. Deborah is different.  
He finishes the letter, as clearly as he can. He is too nervous to get some sleep, so he plays the cassette, head bouncing until he falls asleep.

Next morning Nathan goes early to her home. Her window is open. So he passes the letter to her desk, places her paperweight on the letter so the wind will not misplace it. And he goes on with his day.


	6. 6 - Orchid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, Deborah arc came up itself while writing the previous chapter, so I continued it. Plus I wanted he have a positive / easy going reference before.   
> True is canon mentioned about Nicole in High School, and that is before when I canon it could had been.  
> I am a bit hesitant about Garland’s part here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: closeted, ptsd/overload/panic attack, fight.
> 
> Spanish:  
> “Yo tambien tengo” I also have (one)  
> “¿El que?” What?  
> “Un amigo especial en el cole” a special friend in school.  
> “¿Ah, sí?” Not literal: you do? (Literal: oh, yes?)  
> “Jugamos juntos en el recreo, me da sus cromos y me ayuda en dibujo. Daniela dice que es mi novio ¿tu tambien tienes?” We play together in recess, he gives me his collecting cards and helps me with drawing. Daniela says (he) is my boyfriend. Do you also have one ?  
> “Pues mira a lo mejor tengo uno algún día” who knows maybe I have one some day.  
> “Deborah es mi compañera. La chiva nueva” Deborah is my partner. The new girl.  
> “Pensé que era otra” I thought it was another.  
> “Sólo somos amigos” we are just friends  
> “Mamá y papá sólo eran amigos” mom and dad were just friends.

Chapter 6 - “Orchid”

Haven, 1st january 1990

Nathan and Deborah had not seen or talked to each other after the letter yet. She has read it over and over. Among all his confusion, Nathan has been as honest as he can be in that letter. He is clueless about what he is feeling, he is doubtful if she feels the same, and not wants she feels uncomfortable for all that, so he sort of let her choose what to do about it. He says he feels forward and maybe too spontaneous for sending the letter, but he needed her to know. He would not feel is fair is she not knows.   
Deborah actually enjoys his company. She has not been much interested in dating, but still when she lived in Orono, she had kissed some people in the spin the bottle game. She has felt quite neutral about it in general. But now she is considering if she might be experiencing similar as Nathan, and is true, she has grown in affection with him. She can’t tell since when he might had been having feelings for her. As far as she remembers he has always been polite and warm to her, as he is with all his friends. For all she knows if that politeness and warmth closeness is crushing on someone, he could be crushing on all his friends.  
She invites him over. She was hesitant he would accept but he gets there early on. They are home alone. She will wait if he brings up the topic. They watch ET. She knows is a movie he likes. As the scene where Eliot kisses the girl approaches, she senses him nervous.  
“So have you resolved about the letter?” He asks her.  
“Is not mine to resolve Nathan. Your feelings are yours, not mines” she gently tells him.  
“Oh, so is not reciprocal? I’m sorry if I bothered you” he replies looking sad.  
“I did not say that Nathan” she looks at him, but he is looking down.  
“Then?” He says looking up, voice confused.  
“I feel something for you too. I don’t know what is either. Is something new to me too. I would not like we misunderstand each other and end up losing our friendship. It means a lot to me. You are one of the first friends I made here. Whatever happens I would not like we lose our friendship.” Deborah tells him.  
“So, what do we do?” Nathan asks her.  
“What do you want to do?” Deborah asks him.  
“I don’t know. I don’t want to lose our friendship either. So, we are what then?” Nathan asks her.  
“We are close friends. Does partners sounds good?” Deborah offers.  
“Ok, partner ... so that is exclusive then?” Nathan asks her.  
“What do you want to be? Want to tell everyone now? Be partners with other people? Kiss other people? You’d be ok if I kiss other people?” Deborah asks, he blushes and fidgets with his jacket’s zipper.  
“Not now, but they would know, right? I wouldn’t know, I have never done that. I normally feel awkward when my friends do that, but if you want to kiss other people is fine” Nathan replies.  
“You not have to tell if you not want to. We don’t have to do that if you not want to.” Deborah tells him.  
“But then what’s the difference between being friends and partners?” Nathan asks her.  
“Things don’t have to change much if you not want to. Say partners, well, those feelings are mutually acknowledged and respected. What works is what the people involved is comfortable with. You are ok we are each other partner?” He nods “you are hesitant we kiss, is fine. We are not less partners for doing or not doing this or that. At least not for me” Deborah tells him. He smiles at her relaxed. They continue watching the movie. They play a second movie but got themselves busy reading a comic again until they fell asleep cuddled on the couch. Leo gently wakes them up when he gets home and takes Nathan back home.

Haven, february 1990  
Nathan still not talks much with Garland. They stopped trying talking other than performative politeness. Both would like that were different but none knows how, and so far silence is better than arguing. Garland is going to hunt more often again, at least is not as drunk now.  
After a sleepover at Grayson and another with Chris too, Nathan returns home confused. Seems every conversation as of late is about shaving. Duke was taught by Wade, Grayson by his dad, as Chris. When is Garland going to bring that up? That seems such a big deal to be skipped, should Nathan ask Garland?. When should he do that? Does he have to do that already? How often? At what age is that? He know most men do daily, but young teens too?  
Nathan stares himself in the mirror.  
“Ok, let’s try that” he says to himself. He applies some shaving foam over his lip. Picks the shaver. Slowly and hesitant about the pressure he does one corner. Ok, seems it went well. He keeps going slowly. It seems there’s no cut at all. He washes his face with water. He checks in the mirror. All clean.  
During lunch Garland keeps glancing at him.   
“You still changing your hairdo? Are you going to be punk now, grow a mohawk or something?” Garland comments.  
“I did not change my hair. What’s wrong with punk?” Nathan replies.  
“Punk, goth, grunge, whatever you call it. So you want to be like Wade now?” Garland asks back.  
“What if I’d like that? That would not make me like Wade” Nathan protest him.  
“Whatever, you’ve done something” Garland insists.  
“I shaved if you must know.” Nathan explains annoyed.  
“And you didn’t thought to tell me?”  
“Why? How? Is not like you are home often as of late. Should I wait you are in a good mood to get things done?”   
“Did someone helped you?”   
“No. Why it is a big deal? Is just hair. You not accompany me whenever I get a haircut”  
“We used to have waffles at the parlour next to the barber” Garland says nostalgic.  
“Past tense, we used to. You make your choices, I make mines too”  
Both look at each other partly wondering how come both ended up arguing, again. None likes that but none seem to can stop it. Both offended leave to each other room.

 

Haven, 1st March 1990  
Nathan and Deborah had been exchanging books in Haven’s library. She helps there, since her mother is one of the workers, and has a lot of interesting book recommendations to read about any topic. He helps her some days. They held hands when they are alone, they enjoy watching movies cuddled, listen to music together. He had felt her a bit distant some days at times but, other than asking for chocolate snacks or more ice cream than usual, she always told him not to worry. She still goes to Orono High School so she has to go to sleep and wake up earlier. She talks him a lot about the city. He is so looking forward to go there when he joins College. Julia and Grayson know they are partners. None Nathan nor Deborah say dating, so they respect that. Garland not comments much about them together, he decided not to press, as Elizabeth told him once, “be supportive, he’ll tell when he is ready”, and so far it just seem like just a close friendship, as many others he has, and he not wants to argue again, or make him feel a freak, Garland still remembers with hurt that moment Nathan had on her anniversary. Hannah not seem to know either. Nathan keeps his routine of penpaling, AV club, cinema with friends. As does Deborah with other friends of her, aswell as her hobbies.  
But that day makes two months, is not like they are counting, but they both decided to have a quiet afternoon picnic in his backyard. Garland is working the night shift, but went early to the station to talk with Laverne about some case. Leo will pick her up at 10. Nathan’s dreaming about Deborah is not just of them talking or going to places or cuddling, as of late the pattern insist more on kissing, so he is curious to do that but he is not sure she’d want to too, nor if it’ll feel as good as everyone says.  
As it gets cold, they go to his room. Since he is learning guitar, she is curious to listen the last piece that Roberto has taught him. After that movie a year ago Nathan got curious about metal, so Roberto taught him some of it, the arrangeable ones that can be played on a classic one, like Black Sabbaths’s Orchid. Deborah is curious how a piece can be so melodic playing only with three fingers. Nathan tells her about Tony Iommi. After that they play videogames in his room, since is still winter, they had closed the door. They tied up on the game, the problem of knowing each other game tricks. She has the habit of starting a tickle fight when she loses and although they tied, she lost the last round. So they end up tickling each other on the bed.  
“You are very cute when you laugh” he tells her laying beside her.  
“So movie-like” she tells playfully patting his chest.  
“You not dislike all the movies” he reasons her. She nods. He caress her hair, she smiles.  
“True, the ones where is so very subtle” she says, standing up and getting another game in the station. “I want to untie the game” she tells him. He sits on the bed. She senses him different. There’s a different vibe all through the game. He glances at her, fidgets, nervously smiles to himself. Still for some reason he is winning the game.  
“Want to bet something for the last round?” She suggests. He nods curious.  
“If you win, you tell me what has you nervous today. If I win is a dare to not laugh. Challenge accepted?” She says. He nods. She wins, she is not sure how if he was winning.  
“Ok, I dare you to look at me 7 minutes while I ask you” she asks him. He agrees. She sits in front of him on the bed, legs crossed, knees touching.  
“So, what has you nervous today?” She asks him a few seconds later. He keeps looking at her, trying to read why she asks.  
“Um, I guess because today makes 2 months since we are partners” he replies.  
“And that gets you nervous?” She asks curious, he nods and she looks quizzical.  
“I may would like some things to change a bit, if you want” Nathan replies nervously caressing his nape as he speaks.  
“I told you, I am ok if you want to kiss other people, although I never heard of you playing that game. I did play that game before” Deborah says.  
“I not think of other people like that. Only with you.” Nathan tells her blushing, he caress her palm.  
“So, you are nervous because you want to kiss me?” She asks, he nods. He lays on the bed the dare seeming forgotten by both.  
“Why are you nervous about that?, we are partners, is ok if that happens is ok if it does not”   
“So, you not want to? You not dreamt of me, like I had about you?” Nathan asks her confused.  
“I did not say that Nathan.” She tells him, gently resting her head on his chest, he caress her hair.  
“What do you feel for me?” He asks her, some doubt in his voice.  
“The same you feel for me. I dream about you too. You think I am not as shy as you to talk about that?” Deborah tells him patting his chest.  
“Are we good? Do partners are that awkward?” Nathan asks as confused as worried.  
“We are honest, so we are good. Honesty feels awkward at times. So, why else are you nervous? You think I would not like it?” She asks him. He doubtfully nods.  
“I am ok that you did, but fact is, you had kissed other people before, I did not. Maybe you not like it.” Nathan tells waving his hands, mostly because when he thinks about doing that he wonders, what do hands do while doing that? Is just kissing or some touching too? Where? How?  
“Nathan, it was just a quick peck on the lips, in a game.” He looks still conflicted. “Ok, close your eyes” he glances at her but does as requested, his hands on each his sides, as he lays on the bed “Think of something relaxing. You don’t have to tell me what it is, just think of it” he nods. She caresses his forehead, asking him “good?”, he smiles, she kisses his forehead, he nods again and feels her leaning closer, her arm next to his. She caress and kiss his left cheek, asking him again in between. He caress her arm partly to not let nervousness get the best of him and be too clumsy, he mostly feels relaxed. She caress and kisses his right cheek. He blushes again and before she asks him if she continues he eagerly nods, his hand gently patting her arm, then seeking her hand. She softly kisses his lips, her fingers caressing his jaw. It actually feels good, her lips feel soft, he smiles. He should do something too, right? He caress her cheek and as eagerly as clumsily kiss her back. “I won the dare” he whispers which makes them laugh. As they go to kiss again, the front door bell rings repeatedly. They hesitantly separate, both blushing, a nervous smile as they look at each other, and clumsily holding hands they go check who is ringing. Vincent is looking for Garland for some incident in town.   
Once Garland is contacted, Nathan and Deborah go back to his house. They lay again on the bed, cuddled up, her head on his chest, he gently caressing her arms. Until her watch alarm sets off.  
“I should get ready. My dad will pick me up in ten minutes” she says separating. He nods. They tidy up the snacks in the living room.   
After she leaves he feels quite different. He misses her next to him, and he actually liked kissing.

Haven, april 1990  
Duke got assigned with Nathan in a school work. They will meet at Nathan’s to do the work at 5. Garland is in the station. Deborah and Nathan are listening to music while reading comics laying in his bed. Her head resting on his shoulder.  
“Nathan! I should go later to the ship, if we can do the work now” a voice approaches to his open window. “Oh my, you two?” Says a surprised Duke. Nathan goes to the window.  
“Stop stalking and come on in” Nathan protests.  
“I was not stalking. I did not knew you two, are together?” Duke says as he gets home.  
“We are partners” Deborah explains.  
“That’s how you call it? Because that was quite coupley. Does Garland knows? He would not leave you two alone. Ah, you know, that’s why you not said, mischievous. Wait, you read comics with Julia like that too?” Duke says air quoting read comics. Nathan eyerolls at that.  
“Would you shut up? Yes I read comics with her too. No, not like that.” Nathan tells him.  
“So you two are together? Since when? Why you hadn’t told anyone?” Duke asks.  
“We are are ... fine. Anyways is not your business” Nathan tells him.  
“Ok, you are like Julia then. Fine” Duke resolves. Deborah blushes but Nathan not notices.  
“I should get going. See you” Deborah tells Nathan, and quickly picks her bag, he accompanies her to the door, she quickly kisses his cheek and leaves.  
“I can’t believe it. You, are dating someone? You? Mr I may never feel that, I may never date. And what did I interrupt? Just kissing?” Duke teases.  
“We are not dating, we are partners. Anyways is not your business, I am not telling anything more. Now, if we are going to talk about the work fine, if not, leave. I do my part, you do your part, we join it later.” Nathan resolves.  
“Wow, quite frustrated. Sorry that I intruded in your bubbled paradise” Duke says gesturing and waving his hands in the air at head level while getting in Nathan’s room. They get at work, but Duke keeps teasing.  
“So you watch movies together? Door closed? Scary movies or soapy?” Duke asks.  
“How can you be so annoying?” Nathan asks him.  
“Is called being friendly. So, you really are not going to tell me more?” Duke asks him back.  
“Last time I checked we are not best buddies. We punched last year” Nathan reminds him.  
“So how did that happen?” Duke continues.  
“I don’t ask you what you do with whoever you spin the bottle with, you don’t ask me, fair game. How about we do that?” Nathan replies.  
“Is just comparing notes, to improve” Duke offers playfully.  
“Comparing notes? You grade them?” Nathan asks confused.  
“Yeah. So we can improve. I am sure they do too.” Duke replies. Nathan looks very confused.  
“What? You not thought that? You not talk about her with Grayson?” Duke asks him.  
“We repair devices. So what do you think they grade you as?” Nathan asks him back.  
“I don’t know and I don’t care. I just have fun. Kissing or whatever” Duke replies.  
“Whatever?” Nathan asks confused.  
“Ok, I get it. You had not watched scary or romantic movies with her then. Some not just want that kissing then. You know” Duke tells him. Nathan looks puzzled “make out, you know, first base, tongue.” Duke explains.  
“You’ve done that?” Nathan asks him confused, he is not sure what that is or how that goes but seems a big deal, he heard some older guys gossiping about each other date, mentioning that first or second base in the swimming pool rest rooms in summer, and is not sure that was actually about baseball. He just felt too confused to listen them further. Why do people gossip? About that too? Do people like that? He is suppoused to like that?  
“Not really. But almost. Wade has at a concert” Duke replies.  
“Or so he says, he could be making that up” Nathan replies, yet clueless.  
“Think as you want. So you two do that?” Duke insists.  
“Not your business. Work or out” Nathan reminds him. Nathan briefly wonders if Deborah may want to do that? Would he?

A few days later, Garland is looking at him from the kitchen. He seems to remind himself some speech.  
“So, you have made good friendship with Deborah lately, right? You watch a lot of movies at home, better than cinema?” Garland friendly says sitting on the coach with Nathan.  
“If someone would raise my pocket money we’d go out more” Nathan offers.  
“Good try. Your grades are going fine, but not excellent as to raise your payment.” Garland replies.  
“Can we skip the small talk?” Nathan asks him.  
“As you prefer. Vincent told me that you and Deborah were home alone a few weeks ago.” Garland tells him.  
“I told you she was coming over. We had a picnic in the backyard, we played videogames. Any problem with that?” Nathan asks him.  
“True, you did. I don’t mean to pry but ... is something going on ... are you two just friends?” Garland hesitantly asks him. Nathan eyerolls, exasperated shakes the comic he was reading.  
“We are fine. No we not make out. We just kiss at times. We do other stuff” Nathan’s annoyance not filters what he is saying or considers how it will be understood by the listener.  
“Make out? Other stuff? What stuff?” Garland asks half confused half worried.  
“Why it is a big deal what we do or not? Did Duke told you too, right?” Nathan asks.  
“Told me what? What are you two doing, home alone?” Garland says.  
“We enjoy each other company, just that. We read comics, we listen music, we watch movies. Why is that now a big deal? I do that with my other friends too, always did.” Nathan protests.  
“You swear you only do that?” Garland asks. Nathan nods confused. “Door open” Garland reminds him.  
“With Chris, Duke or Grayson is the same rule now too, or only with her?” Nathan replies. Garland glares at him. “What, couldn’t I do that with any of them too?” Nathan asks him back.  
Garland angrily leaves to talk to Eleanor.  
Nathan is surprised himself with his own reaction. Leo had adviced him how to relax, to refocus energy when he feels frustrated or annoyed, hurting helps nobody. Still they argue often.

Haven, may 1990  
Seeing how everyone is figuring out about them and how some are reacting, Nathan decides to tell Hannah. They are talking after mass. Nathan fidgets with his jacket’s zipper.  
“So, after the stargazing I befriended Deborah” Nathan suddenly tells her.  
“I know. She is nice” Hannah replies.  
“And I started to feel something” Nathan continues. “I’m partner with Deborah. I figured you must know.” Nathan tells her. Her happy smile fades.  
“Oh, I’m happy for you. She is kind” Hannah offers while looking at the ground sadly.  
“You truly are ok with that? You don’t have to bottle up. You have right for your feelings, is better to not deny them” Nathan reasons her, mostly quoting what Leo told him.  
“What do you expect me to do Nathan? You like her, not me, is fine” Hannah’s voice wavering.  
“Your voice not sounds fine” Nathan tells her trying to approach her but she steps back.  
“I did not plan that to happen. Is not like I appreciate you less Hannah” Nathan tells her.  
“Is her who you like.” Hannah repeats. “You not like me like I like you”  
“Maybe at some point I do too Hannah. Nobody knows what lays ahead”  
“If you know THAT would never happen, I’d rather know now”  
“Maybe I am just like Julia, and I like several people differently than how we are told to”  
“I am not like that Nathan. I couldn’t”  
“I didn’t meant to hurt you” Nathan tells her approaching again, this time she lets him hug her.  
“At least you are happy” Hannah says still looking at the ground.  
“And you will too, alone or not, happiness is within the individual not due to the circumstances” she looks at him quizzical “I am happy alone too. Deborah just happened. That has never happened to me before, I don’t really know how that goes. We were, we are really close friends, we just enjoy each other company. She just makes it easy, she is not rushing as others seem to do about bases or whatever.” Nathan tells her.  
“I rather you not tell me what you two do.” Hannah says looking embarrassed. “Thanks for being honest” she says and leaves. Nathan is not sure he did ok telling her. He didn’t meant to hurt her.

Soon everybody knows. Julia and Noelle are no longer together. And it messes with their meet-ups because since they not ended up in good terms, if one attends the other will be absent. Nobody said more about why they broke up. So while Deborah spends more time with Julia blasting Blondie, Julia’s dance-it-out breakup music, Nathan spends more time with Sam.  
“Yo tambien tengo” Sam suddenly tells him while they play tea party with her dolls.  
“¿El que?” Nathan asks her confused. He is worried about Noelle.  
“Un amigo especial en el cole” Sam says sounding serious.  
“¿Ah, sí?” Nathan asks her curious.  
“Jugamos juntos en el recreo, me da sus cromos, y me ayuda en dibujo. Daniela dice que es mi novio. ¿Tu tambien tienes?” Sam asks him.  
“Pues mira a lo mejor tengo uno algún día” Nathan says, Sam gestures surprised, her hands covering her blushing face.   
“Deborah es mi compañera. La chica nueva” Nathan tells her.  
“Pensé que era otra. ¿Hannah? ¿Noelle?” Sam asks.  
“Sólo somos amigos” Nathan explains.  
“Mamá y papá sólo eran amigos.” Sam replies. Marta calls them in. Is getting cold outside.  
Nathan and Sam draw on the floor. Marta is cooking something.  
“Would you like to help me Nathan?” Marta offers. He joins her. “Is called Tocinillo de cielo, is a sweet dessert. Pass me the eggs” Marta instructs him. “Everything fine with your friends? Noelle not joins the cinema night lately”  
“Um, Julia and her had a fight” Nathan explains.  
“Problems in paradise?” Marta asks him.  
“You knew?” Nathan asks confused.  
“Is not like they were that subtle. It was because of jealousy?” Marta asks him.  
“They not said and I don’t gossip”   
“Ma, Nathan says he has a boyfriend too” Sam suddenly joins them. Both look at her confused.  
“I said maybe someday I do, who knows?. I am actually partner with Deborah. I told Hannah, it hurt her, I didn’t meant to. Garland knows and now setted rules.” Nathan explains at Marta.  
“Well is normal he sets some rules. Dani and Ivan have to follow rules too.” Marta reasons him.  
“So girls have girlfriends and boys have boyfriends too?” Sam asks her.  
“Yes honey, they can do too, or have none. Is fine. Remember, dad’s uncle, Hector has a boyfriend in Barcelona” Marta explains her.  
“So, how are you about them breaking up? Teamed to any side?” Marta asks Nathan,  
“Well, now if one is around the other, one leaves, usually Noelle. I should talk to her” Nathan reasons.  
“And you and Deborah are, partners, you not say boyfriend or girlfriend, why?” Marta asks him putting the mixture in the oven.  
“It just feel fine. None of us like super romantic stuff, we just enjoy each other company” Nathan reasons.  
“If it works for you both. I’m happy for you, she is kind” Marta tells him hugging him.

A few days later Nathan went to Noelle. He figured if Deborah is comforting Julia, he can do the same with Noelle, they are friends too. Her sister opens the door and leaves as he gets in.  
“How are you holding up?” Nathan asks her approaching her door. She looks up teary eyed. She is sat on the floor, her face on her knees. He sits next to her, her head on his chest as she keeps crying.  
“Listen, you not have to tell me what happened. I know you’ve been together for over a year, but crying every day won’t help you. You have friends too. You’ll move on, find a better relationship” Nathan tells her.  
“I won’t date anyone, ever again. You were right all along, better stay single” Noelle says angrily.  
“You can never know that. I thought I never would, and I am partner with Deborah.”  
“How are you happier, single or not?” Noelle asks him.  
“I am happy one way or other”   
“Is not Deborah the first person you want to tell her good news to? The first and last person you think of everyday? You not miss her when you can’t see her? Can you imagine being without her? You are not each other preferred person?”   
“Oh, you had a fight because the spin the bottle game?” Nathan asks her.  
“Not that. Is the many little stones on the way. We are ok to see other people. Is just. I don’t think she likes me as much as she likes them. And I don’t blame her, truth is I can’t tell, my parents are not like her mom. I can’t bring her over often, I can’t go to her place that often either” Noelle tells him.  
“Oh, you two can come over at mine. Is fine” Nathan offers.  
“Thank you but no. We are over. Is the best” Noelle replies.  
“So, are you still going to leave when she is around?” Nathan asks her doubtful.  
“If I stay she wants to fix it.” Noelle says.  
“You really not want to fix it? Better cry over and over?” Nathan asks her.  
“You are right. I should move on. Get a date” Noelle says.  
“What?” Nathan asks confused.  
“Yes, I’ll date someone so I move on from Julia. Thank you” Noelle tells him.  
“I did not say that. Will you tell them that? You are dating them to move on from someone else?” Nathan asks confused.  
“People don’t do that Nathan. Is understood, specially if the person has a recent ex” Noelle explains.  
“If that were done to you, you’d be ok? Isn’t that using a person?” Nathan tries to reason.  
“You said yourself. I won’t be here crying. I need to move on. I am sorry if I can’t do that as you would do or expect me to, focusing on my hobbies instead of meeting new people” Noelle replies, she hugs him and he leaves confused.

 

Haven, june 1990  
Nathan is setting the music set for the upcoming end of year dance in the gym later that night. He will not attend. Everyone told him to, but he rather stay home. While he tries the audio, a track loops on some notes. Is on a tone and pace that suddenly reminds him the machines that were connected on Elizabeth in the hospital. He is suddenly overwhelmed and lays on the floor of the gym. His hands covering his ears while he rocks himself in a fetal position. There were only the AV club and Hannah. Grayson stops the music and Hannah approach him on the floor, yet not touching him.  
“Is fine, you are fine. Even your breathing, ok? 1, 2, 3, 4. In. 1, 2, 3, 4. Out. Like that” Hannah tells him until shortly after he seems to relax. His hands rest on his nape now, his arms less tense. Hannah notices his arms seem more muscled than they used to. “Are you feeling better?” She asks him, he nods. Slowly he stands up and goes back to the AV office. He is embarrassed and a bit dizzy. Hannah brings him a glass of juice.   
“Is ok. It happened. Do not overthink it” Hannah tells him.  
“I thought it was getting better. It had not happened in months, nor the nightmares.” Nathan says.  
“Nightmares?” She asks concerned.  
“Happened before my mom. Someone shouting at her. I never know who is” Nathan explains.  
“Had you told about that with Leo?” Hannah suggests. He shakes his head no. “Maybe it would help you to tell him”  
“I am telling you” Nathan states the obvious.  
“But I don’t know how else to help you with that. You were the one saying not to bottle up” Hannah tells him. Julia gets in moody.  
“So you sided with Noelle now?” Julia tells him annoyed. She just got in the gym.  
“I don’t think now is the moment Julia” Hannah offers.  
“You said you not pick sides, and you go see her?” Julia asks him.  
“Last I checked she is my friend too. Is you two who had broken up not your friends with one or other. I thought you would be more coherent. It makes no sense you go with this or that but the moment you break up she can’t see her friends. She is hurting too, not just you” Nathan confronts her.  
“See who is lecturing. As if you communicate better with your dad. I figured out why he sees my mom. To know how to talk to you, because every time he tries you two argue. So apply your own advices too.” Julia confronts him, gesturing to push his chest, but stopping.  
“Come on. Punch me if you think that will solve anything. Is like I am just everyone’s punchbag at times. I am always there to advice and support everyone, being the voice of reason in your downfalls, but the moment I need help nobody is there, right? Must be so funny for you all to make the messes you all do and have me trying to mend and tidy them up later, just to blame me. You know what, maybe I got tired of that. Maybe I have my right to not be perfect either. Figure out things on your own, all of you. I am done with your drama” Nathan replies leaving home. He feels yet angry so he goes to run around to kick some energy. An hour later he returns home, there waits Deborah, she gets in.  
“Dad has accepted a job in Orono, we are going back this summer.” She tells him as they get some snacks. Nathan smile fades. “I’m sorry. We can still work it out” Deborah is seeking his hand, he gently holds hers as they lay on the bed.   
“Is just an hour away. We can visit each other. Maybe a weekend here and there. We can call and write too.” She offers.  
“It will work?” He asks concerned.  
“We make it work. You rather break up? You not feel the same?” She asks him.  
“I feel more. But seeing how Julia and Noelle had ended up. Noelle told me basically they broke up because she can’t be out with her parents. I would not like we end up like that if we not work out” Nathan reasons looking at her.  
“We won’t end up like that. I promise. I don’t like such drama either. We are together because we want to, not just for the sake of it, plus nobody is property of the other or anything” she says.  
“Will you see other people there?” Nathan asks her.  
“I don’t know. Maybe. You? You not want me to?” She replies.  
“Is fine if you do, just be careful they not hurt you.” Nathan replies squeezing her hand.  
“Will you see other people too?” She asks him.  
“I don’t know. Is not like I like other people as I like you. But I am ok if you do” Nathan tells her.  
“If I do I would tell you. If that is ok.” Hannah offer, he nods.  
They cuddle looking at each other for a while.  
“I argued with Julia. I had a panic attack in the gym, Hannah helped me. A loop reminded me the machines and nightmares. Julia figured I talked with Noelle. She is my friend too.” Nathan tells her, she gently caress his hair, nodding.  
“I’ll try to reason to her. You are good friends to be arguing now. How is Noelle holding up?” She says caressing his temple.  
“She is devastated. She is looking for a date to move on from Julia” Nathan says confused.  
“Maybe it works for her. Different people, different methods” she reasons, he is doubtful.  
They fall asleep cuddled until her alarm clock sets off and she goes home. Nathan hopes they will work out, but he heard of many people breaking up due to the distance, even friendships.

Haven, september 1990  
Nathan had visited Deborah in Orono for a weekend in july. Garland was hesitant to allow him go until he talked to Leo. What Garland not knows is that the young partners spent most saturday alone, and yes they kissed each other, quite often. They fell asleep cuddled as usual. No baseball bases. She introduced him some of her friends. They even went to the mall and the arcade.  
But the leaving was hard. Nathan missed her more. Many times he had been doing anything else that summer, swimming, hiking, even at Grayson repairing devices he wished she were there, or at least in town so they can talk about their day later. Now all just goes in letters or phone calls.   
She came over to visit him another weekend in august, although she stayed at Julia’s because Garland is doing maintenance at home. Really the only weekend possible in the whole year?  
The goodbye is hard again. They miss each other more so by september they decide to amicably break up. Is not that they not get along, or they care any less for each other, but maybe is because they are still young, the missing each other is complicated to handle. Is true that the person he felt something similar before it was Alba and they are still friends, but he knew from the start she would be leaving and they may not see each other back, they didn’t even kiss. Nathan at least is thankful it’s been so relaxing and easy with Deborah. He was very hesitant because he sees everyone rushing, but they did not.

Haven, november 1990  
Nathan and Deborah still write each other weekly, they enjoy their mutual hobbies and although at times that makes Nathan miss her more he is grateful for the good times. On the previous letter she tells him she is seeing someone.  
He reads her new letter. To his surprise she tells him who is she seeing, he did not ask. She is seeing Julia. He is confused about why Duke, Noelle, now Deborah are or had been so affected by Julia and how she not settles with anyone. He not judges anyone is just curious how things are evolving. He doubts he’ll be with anyone as with her any time soon. Is not a matter of can’t move on, but just a matter of attraction or not. Julia had invited them over for a picnic. To the surprise of many Deborah is there, with Julia. Nathan is not surprised but everyone keep asking him as if expecting he will make a scene or over react. Why would he? Even before breaking up they were ok to see someone else. Is not like he is jealous they are holding hands. Duke teases him in the backyard while everyone else got to the living room.  
“So looks like she is moving on faster than you. And more PDA than you two, I bet they actually make out watching scary movies” Duke teases Nathan.  
“Quit it Duke. Whatever they do is not anyone’s business. I knew they are together” Nathan asks.  
“You really are ok with that? Just 2 months later?”  
“You go around spin the bottle like Julia, why so judgamental now?”  
“That game is to get the one you actually like to be jealous so they actually move forward. If you’d try it, you’d know”   
“Not interested”  
“Are you really that stoic? You are going to be ok to read she tells you whatever they do?”   
“We are friends, she tells me what she considers.”  
“So, you write each other about that? Very mischievous of you two”  
“I not said that. Need I remind you the comparing notes you said? Quit it”  
“Is it that you like Julia? Because is clear is not Hannah”   
“Why would I like Julia?”  
“True, why would you, if she wants more thank chaste kissing and you go rabbit to actually do more, you are too much a wood guy”  
That got the last straw of patience that Nathan had and he punches Duke without warning. Duke falls to the ground in pain, lip bleeding.  
“Stop harassing me. Joke’s over”  
Nathan leaves Julia’s home. His knuckles hurt from the punch. In times like that he misses when he felt nothing. He wonders how to get home without Garland inquiring him or grounding him. He is tired and he ends up in the graveyard. Sits in front of her tombstone and he cries, out of the frustration, rubbing his hair. He not likes the fighting, the arguing. Some time later he feels a shadow next to him, they sit together.  
“Now you know why is not that easy to be neutral, that there are also thorns in a flower, right?” A familiar voice tell him. “I’m sorry you had to fight”  
“I thought you’d be angry that I was not doing the same. Moving on with someone, and we both know best candidate would be you, Hannah” Nathan tells her.  
“I really would not like it like that, to be merely rushed or performative, or for the sake of it. You know what I feel for you, I like you for you, maybe you will feel the same one day. If our journey is meant to cross our paths, they will.” She says, he gently hold her hand.  
“You should get home. Thanks for caring.” Nathan tells her. She kisses his cheek. And he walks back home. Garland has grounded him for a whole month, but for his 15th birthday.  
Nathan wishes High School to be over. Maybe College is better. People there actually go to learn, share knowledge, no drama, right? Just 3 more years.


	7. 7 - 1984

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: self-harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish: “si te tomas muchos de una vez te dolerá la tripa” if you have too many at once, your stomach will hurt.

Haven, January 1991

Nathan is sophomore in High School. Last Christmas between spanish marzipans, turrón and polvorores sent to the Martins from their family, playing with the big Nativity scene with Sam every day, Daniela brought up the idea of writing new years resolutions, and although Nathan not uses to do that, Sam wanted to do one, so he wrote what she dictated. That got him curious to write his too. He had reflected about the last couple years. He is tired of the arguing with Garland, the teasing by Duke and ending it up in punching. So he hopes there will be no big arguing this year, if there is he’ll move out as soon as possible.  
He is spending more time on his own. Now he is rereading Elizabeth’s library, a way to keep her present. He likes to read behind the repairing garage. He is looking forward to get a car of his own as soon as possible so it’d be good to know a bit about engine maintenance even if is just from overheard conversation, he also reads in the woods, far from the smokers, or in the public library, but it reminds him of Deborah, now Debs. Is not like he avoids his friends, is just they are having other interests and friendships. The current on going conversation between the peers is: the type. Apparently now that is so relevant about dating, but since is a topic he is still not interested about he not pays attention to it, although random compliments about his appearance are more frequent and yet confusing. What about his eyes, hair or smile, is the same it was, everyone has one, right? That not means the non sport baseball conversations have disappeared, but everyone gives a different explanation of what that is. Even Noelle and Grayson seem to talk about that now. Hannah is busy helping with Church activities so they talk a bit less often.

Haven, february 1991  
The month he likes less. Same mass produced materials. Same predicted dates. So he spends more time in the library. One day when he was reading a magazine curious of what relevance the type actually is suppoused to have, because he can’t relate with the conversations. Everyone seems to have a crush on someone, someone they barely know but “the smile, eyes, hair, is so cute”. Which he not understand, ok there are pretty faces, but crush on or date them just for that?  
“When you are done with that number, pass it over. I need it for a class work” a voice startles him, he instinctively goes to close the magazine. “Relax, is just a gossiping magazine, or you have something else behind that one?” Continues the person. Finally Nathan looks up annoyed.  
“Hi, I’m Lisa, I’m senior. I need it for psychology class, I want to study that in uni. You are a freshman, right? You not study psychology, do you?”  
“I’m sophomore. No we don’t. I’m just, I enjoy the library. Is quiet”  
“And among anything you can read here, you choose a gossip magazine? I thought photographers had more interesting hobbies”  
“Photographer?” Nathan asks confused.  
“Aren’t you the Chief’s son? You used to go everywhere with that polaroid, taking pictures. Now seems you traded your hobby for something more popular. It was complicated to talk to you when you were zoned at work but it was interesting what you said”  
“Have we talked before?” Nathan asks confused.  
“You don’t remember me? I used to be on the station’s surroundings too. My aunt works there too.”  
“Your aunt?” Nathan asks still clueless.  
“Laverne. My mom is her sister. It hasn’t been that many years”  
“You don’t look like ...” Nathan begins trying to remember her.  
“You got taller too, Nathan. Is called puberty. True I dyed my hair. Anyways, when you are done with the magazine pass it over. If I can help you find what gossip you are particularly interested, not for gossiping”  
“What gossip?” Nathan asks confused.  
“You are reading a gossip magazine, there are no rocket science articles there. So what gossip are you after? Spoilers on McGyver next season? You like that show, don’t you?”  
“Have you dated anyone? Are looks really that important?” Nathan directly asks her.  
“What?” Lisa asks confused, why does he asks that now?  
“All my class talks about is the type, crushing and still dating. And I don’t get it. You seriously go to ask someone out just for a glimpse of themselves of five minutes, for the looks, and you all are shocked it is not end-game? How it can be long-lasting if you barely knew each other to begin with? From what I hear people is performative about it. Same dating places, same seeing each other on a day off. What can root on that? Makes me wonder what is behind that. What they do is not logical, the strategy fails, is not as deep as say a romance novel, true some of those are like that but still others are not. Why people start off being like that expecting to find something deep?” Nathan reasons.  
“Hold on there, philosopher. Strategy. Have you thought maybe that is why they focus on a type? Do you wear the first thing you find, or something expressive about you? Have you thought of that?”   
“I wear what I am comfortable with. That is another thing. The wear to impress. So you are not being yourself but expect that to work? I just don’t get it” Nathan reasons.  
“I get you have not dated”  
“I, I don’t see the need nor the point of it. Why do you date?” Nathan asks her.  
“Maybe is just that dating is not for you, is ok. For some people all that, impressing, the process , the glance at me, do they like me?, they find it exciting, a change of routine, cute expectations, like will he hold my hand at the door? Will he confide me a secret? The gossiping with your friends part about what to wear to get your date speechless is fun. Have you never saw someone and got you speechless at their beauty, say a celebrity?”   
“All that is required for a date? Quite stressful. Why aren’t people just themselves? Isn’t that better?” Nathan asks her back.  
“You like to hang out by the garage repairing. So you say the trainee should go out on his spoiled uniform? Can’t he enjoy groom himself, look nice for himself, feel special for himself and his date and talk other than about his job, try to find something cute to talk about with his date to destress from his routine? As much as one likes a job, routine can be so tedious, so a glimpse of change is nice to enjoy. What is the harm in that?”  
“I did not say there is a harm. I say that I don’t get it. Why is like a quest, everyone has to be paired up. If you don’t, is really that wrong?”  
“Nobody said is wrong, you not have to pair up if you not want to. Why do you feel like that? Has anyone tried to get you involved in something you not wanted?” She asks concerned.  
“Nobody, but random comments, magazine tests saying one is frigid or cold, because I can’t feel that with a total stranger out of the blue like everyone else seems to do, so peers tell you that, conversations were you are left out, contributeless. I don’t go around treating people like that because they not share my hobbies”  
“I’m sorry they are like that. Maybe they hadn’t noticed they do that or maybe befriending other singles makes you feel more in community”  
“Maybe. I’m done with the magazine. I should get going to class. Thank you” Nathan leaves.

Haven, march 1991  
Someone has left a note in his locker. He has not commented on it, nor replied. He fears is a prank. The second day, there is a new note, this time signed. “N”. Is that some joke? Again he not replies. But when he picks the next novel from Asimov’s Foundation series, again there is a note there “The last one is better, enjoy the journey N”. He freezes and looks around without moving. As if who ever is pranking him will really be there. Still he withdraws the book. Who can be N?   
Whoever it is, they also do read Asimov? Do they attend his High School and the public library? Had they talked before? He leaves a note back.

Haven, April 1991  
Although Nathan has kept exchanging messages with “N”, now he goes back to read by the woods. He still told nobody about N. One saturday while he is reading there he hears random shouting for help. So he approaches. Someone is waving not too far from the road.  
“Need any help?” Nathan ask them.  
“Yes, thanks. We run out of gas in the car. Where is the next station?”   
“Um, there’s a neigbour over there, they can drive you there” Nathan hesitantly offers, gesturing towards his back.  
“Oh thank you.” says a girl around his age, dark wavy hair and turquoise eyes. She approaches with a paper. “Um, we are not locals. We visit my grandma every weekend, she moved here when she widowed” the girl explains, gesturing a lot. Is distracting. She shows him a map and a writen note. That handwriting, he had seen it before. Wait, is it? Nathan takes a step back confused.   
“Um, let me take you to the neigbour, they’ll help better.” Nathan says walking towards the next household. They follow. Quickly after he leaves home confused. Is she the same person as the note? How come? He had not seen her before.

Haven, May 1991  
Nathan has faught again with Garland. He wants to go to a concert in October in Portland but since is on a week day Garland not agrees. No matter what Nathan reasons him. Is a band he actually likes. It’ll be safe, Roberto is going to drive them there, not even “but I am doing half housework. I help with the garden, the varnishing, the laundry, the washing up. My grades are better, I have not asked you for a pay rise. I paid the ticket with my pocket money. I already have the ticket. I can not go”. Garland left for work.  
He feels frustrated and disappointed with himself. There goes the resolution, the effort to be better, he needs to move out soon. He can’t find the ball he used to play with to destress, his walkman has gone out of batteries. He sits on his desk and while doodling to distract himself, he unconsciously keeps his hand busy fidgeting with whatever is on the desk.  
The next weeks keep being stressful, so the routine repeats.  
One day while he is at the music shop, Roberto notices something while they play guitar.  
“How did that happen?” Roberto asks him pointing at his palms, noticing scratches.  
“Um, home maintenance” Nathan quickly say.  
“But you hadn’t done any type that would do that. What is going on?” Roberto asks him. Nathan looks down. “Listen. I have been there. You can not lie to me. Before I dated Marta, I felt lonely, I was out of my home, with a problematic roommate. Arguing, disagreements were constant. It was so stressful. I felt I had nobody to talk to, to understand me. I had a bad diet, I isolated. More and more frustration. I was neglecting my health that way. Until I seeked for help, I changed the cycle. Be honest. Let me help.” Roberto tells him. Nathan look him up teary eyed.  
“I don’t know. I had argued with Garland. I was frustrated, I felt a failure. I tried to calm down. I distracted but still somehow that happened” Nathan shortly explains.  
“Thank you for being honest.” Roberto says hugging him for comfort.  
“Are you going to tell Garland?” Nathan ask him worried.  
“Regardless of that, you need to get a better routine. Tell you what, next time you feel like that, come over to pat Iris or Eden, you can pick Iris home if you need. Ok?” Roberto offers. Nathan nods whispering “Gracias”  
Roberto chooses to not tell Garland and see if he actually gets a better routine and coping mechanism back. Roberto consults Eleanor to make sure about what to do.

Haven, june 1991  
Duke’s birthday. The girls are around Nathan talking. He seems to have interesting conversation which gets some other guys jealous because he is the one getting attention. He is fine until Marianne, a blonde girl, starts to compliment him and getting touchy feely, so he excuses himself to the kitchen. On the way are Chris and Duke.  
“So yet, no date? Can’t you tell them about us?. I pick the blonde” Duke tells him.  
“You can talk to her yourself. They have a name, the blonde is Marianne.” Nathan replies.  
“How do I talk to them, if they just want to talk with you? I was not aware gossip magazines have flirting tips we were not aware of” Duke continues. Nathan looks confused at them.  
“I saw you with the magazine talking to Lisa.” Chris explains.  
“How do I explain to both of you that I am not flirting? Want a dating tip from a girl? Be interesting, Daniela’s advice, and see, they seem to like it. Yet I am not flirting, I am just having a polite conversation about hobbies.” Nathan explains.  
“Help us a bit. I know, we’ll play spin the bottle. You included. You’ll be the innocent hand that spins it. Maybe we upgrade it to 7 minutes in haven later.” Duke resolves.  
“I don’t play any of those games.” Nathan reminds them.  
“Relax, you won’t kiss if you not want to. You just have to spin the bottle right, you know. Remind you, for me the blonde “ Duke insist resting his elbow on Nathan’s shoulder.  
“Don’t you said that game is for the one you like to come forward out of jealousy? Why would I match you with the blonde then?” Nathan asks him back.  
“I’ll help you. Anything, anytime. But now, help me a bit. Come on, I’m the birthday guy” Duke says. Nathan eyerolls but finally agrees.  
So they play the game. After a first round the blonde insist on him playing too. Nathan declines and feels uncomfortable. But the whole circle, cheers and clap for him to join. Is just too much so Nathan goes to the bathroom seeking silence. He holds by the sink, evening his breathing. When seems more calmed he splashes some water on his face and goes back ready to go home. But as soon as he opens the door there is the blonde.  
“I was thinking, why not up the game? 7 minutes in heaven sounds a lot better” the girl tells him.  
“Um, I am not the birthday guy. Tell Duke. I am not playing. I am leaving. Have a good night” Nathan says leaving quickly. Why was the girl so interested in him? Can’t she see he is not interested? He tries to recall, had he been flirty or something? How can he be flirty if he is unaware or uncomfortable when someone compliments him? Being polite or having a nice conversation about hobbies with someone is being flirty with them now?

 

Haven, october 1991  
Nathan is in Junior year. He looked for a summer job. He helped the repair garage on weekend, with the computer, and they taught him a bit about engines. He helped in the library a couple days a week too with the computing, and they paid him too. All he gets paid, he saves up. Other than that summer was relaxing, swimming, hiking, even sailing, Duke invited him, no pranks. Somehow Duke seems to be helpful and less annoying. Maybe is for the concert, Nathan is clueless about whatever happeded after he left on the birthday. Roberto talked to Garland in his favour so he finally allowed him to attend to Van Halen concert, although that means Nathan blasting 1984 album in his room, and now on speakers, not just the headphones. Garland gets on his nerves by the sixth track. How can Nathan like that song and insist he is not interested in all that? Garland wonders. Nathan just likes the melody and drums.  
There had been no news of “N”. They stargazed the Perseids again, this time Hannah was by his side on the ground, until midnight, her curfew. Roberto drove her home.  
Sam is starting her first communion course in Portland so twice a week Nathan accompanies them, is not like he attends the course. They go see music shops while she is in the course. Some days they all dine in the city. That got the Rev angry at Nathan for some reason Nathan not understands.

Tuesday, 8 october 1991  
Duke, Chris, Nathan, Julia and Roberto attend Van Halen concert with Alice in Chains in Portland. To Duke’s surprise, Wade is there, with Jack and Aiden, the Rev’s nephews, who would had thought, and a couple girls. Wade just teases Duke on who his concert date is. Nathan oblivious to all that just enjoys the live music, air guitaring at the solos. They are so happy they plan a concert for the next month in the same venue. He gets back home so cheerful, to find Garland annoyed at him for some reason, reminding him to focus on his grades, and asking him what will he do after High School. As if Nathan has no plan of what to do, he just has not told anyone yet.

31 october 1991  
Sam has been so looking forward for Halloween. She wants to watch Addams family so much she asked to dress like Wednesday, she finds her funny. She got Nathan to join, he was undecided if go as Lurch because he is tall or as Gomez. Secondly go as the comics or the old series or the upcoming movie?. Which one would be funnier? Finally he chooses Lurch.  
To their surprise while they go trick-or-treating they find Duke dressed as Gomez. Good choice he went as Lurch then. But Julia suggest them to separate in two groups, one for each side of the street, so them three go together, while her, Grayson and Debs go to the other side of the street.  
Duke tries to tease Nathan, as per habit. They stablish that Sam will be the one to say trick-or-treat, so they wait a little behind, candy bags almost full already.  
“So, ready for the concert? I may Invite the blonde. We saw each other last weekend” Duke comments.  
“So ready. I hope they play Aqualung. Good for you. Her name is Marianne by the way”  
“Is their hit, how come they will not play it? Yeah, as if you called her by her name at the party. Why did you left?” Duke asks him.  
“I had things to do.”   
“Like what was more interesting than a party? Are you reading comics with some mysterious person that absolutely nobody knows about?”  
“Whatever I do with my time is none of your business”  
“Cool down. Maybe you need some...” before Duke continues Nathan glares at him annoyed.  
They go to the next door, but Duke would not stop asking.  
“So, you are not talking with anyobody? Is confusing, you are the one that gets the girls attention but are not interested in dating them, nor you talk them nice about us”   
“Is not my problem either they not find you interesting or you are uncapable of having a basic normal conversation with them. I have hobbies, do you?” Nathan ask him back.  
“Auch that one hurts.” Duke says mimicing he’s been arrowed.  
Next door, and Duke keeps chatty.  
“So, is it because none is your type? Are, you know, you walk the other side?” Duke asks him.  
“I don’t have a type. I not go asking out someone just to not be single, like seems most of you do. All that about a type and crushes sounds so made up. And again is not your business. I not ask you about any of that, why do you do that? Do you see why girls not talk to you?”   
“I had a special friend once from my same side walk, you know, no problem. Is not like you have game with chicks”  
“Good for you. If you clearly know that, why are you so annoyed they talk to me?”  
“Them talking with you distract them of talking with me”  
“They just need three questions to know you are ...” Nathan replies but Sam has been listeing the last part and got curious.  
“You have a special friend in school too? I have one. Do you draw together? What chicks, what game, from the farm?” Sam asks Duke curious.  
“No, I’m a pirate. All I do is sailing.” Duke replies mimicing he uses a sword making Sam laugh.  
“I think you two are confusing movies with your costumes, Hook is the other month”   
“I want to watch that one, are we going?” Sam says jumping with every word.  
“You have to ask Marta”  
“They didn’t let me watch Roger Rabbit” she says with a pouty face.  
“Cause Judge Doom is creepy” Nathan replies but she denies.  
“Well the Judge was indeed creepy to see Sam. You’ll watch when you are older. Nightmares are not funny”  
“So olders not have nightmares?” Sam asks curiously.  
“Generally no” Nathan replies, Duke looks curious.  
Shorthly later they return home.   
Next morning is “Dia de todos los Santos” in Spain. Traditionally one burns a candle in memory of a deceased loved one. At Martin’s there’s always a candle for Elizabeth. That night Marta always invites Nathan for dinner.

Haven, 8 november 1991  
Nathan, Duke, Chris, Julia, Debs, Roberto attend Jethro Tull concert in Portland. Marianne meets there with Duke. They soon disappear somewhere. When the concert is over they all look for them. Turns out they were in a corner discussing.  
“Oh there they are. Arguing. You call them?” Debs asks Nathan.  
“I don’t understand how they were so into each other to now this” Nathan comments.  
“Maybe because they are too into each other, no personal space. Our partnership worked because we had it”  
“Yeah, well, for a while”  
“I wouldn’t like to had ended up like that. How are you about that?”  
“We write weekly, is not like we are now strangers”  
“Yeah, but I write you about my present and future, not about how any of us feel about the past”  
“Anything you need to tell me about the past? Any regrets or something?”   
“No. I’m glad we were partners. I learnt a lot.” She says glancing at Julia.  
“Any problem?”   
“No big issue, but I am not sure we are following the same destination. In two years we will be in College. Many couples break up then.”  
“You rather break up now or enjoy while it last knowing it may have an expiring date?”   
“You know me, I rather enjoy” she says with a smile and hugs him. “Thank you for everything”  
“Come on guys, back to the car” Roberto shouts at Duke.  
Nathan is surprised by the thank you, he not really sees why. 

Haven, 22 november 1991

The Martins and Nathan go to The Addams family premiere. Nathan met there with his friends. Is the first movie Sam watches at a theatre so she is so cheerful about it. She asked for a lot of candies, regardless of Marta advice “si te tomas todos de una vez te dolerá la tripa”.   
Mid movie, Sam’s stomach hurts, so they excuse themselves to wait outside before the movie finishes.   
“We are going to the arcade. You join us?” Grayson cheerfully signs Nathan.  
“They are waiting me to return home. Next time” Nathan explains before exchanging goodbyes.

Haven, 11, december 1991  
Both Martin’s and AV club went to watch Hook. Sam wanted to go dressed as Tinker Bell, and as she did not she moves everywhere on a dance looping on herself, which after a while makes her dizzy.  
This time Nathan joins them in the arcade. To Nathan’s surprise there is a girl that resembles the woods girl. He is enthrilled looking at her gestures while she plays a game, trying to figure out if is her or not.  
“Oh my, you are crushing on her?” Julia suddenly comments patting his back.  
“I am not crushing on anyone. Is just I think I saw her before” Nathan replies.  
“Yeah, in your dreams, like Sleeping beauty with Prince Charming” Chris comments.  
“No, is true. In the woods. I was reading, she and her parents were looking for help, their car run out of gas in the road” Nathan explains.  
“And you happened to be there?” Julia and Chris ask doubtful. Nathan nods.  
“Ah, she is from Portland. Her grandma lives in my street, they visit her every weekend. She reads her from the public library.” Grayson explains. They look at him surprised.  
“Nathan’s crush is your neigbour’s grandchild? That is so unexpected” Julia says amused.  
“I am not crushing on her” Nathan protest.  
“Last time I checked glancing a person as you were doing with her is crushing on them” Chris replies.  
“I was trying to figure out if I knew her” Nathan protests again.  
“Well, Grayson gave quite the background. So, are you going to ask her out?” Julia teases.  
“Stop teasing me. I am not going to ...” Nathan protests turning around without looking. Grayson had gone talking to her. They were going to the group behind his back.  
“Oh sorry. I wasn’t looking” Nathan excuses himself.  
“My fault too. So Grayson told me you all are friends.” Nicole excuses herself without looking at Nathan and talking to the group.  
“Yes we are. Chris, Julia, Debs, and clumsy here is Nathan” Chris explains. She shakes hands with them all. Nathan looks up, he feels confused. How is that happening, so she is N? Had they met before?  
“Oh, you are the reading guy. I saw you in the library and in the woods you helped us out. I’m Nicole by the way” she friendly says shaking his hand but he is frozen.  
“Nathan?” Julia asks patting his back.  
“Hi, yes. Fine” Nathan replies nervously. He is trying to figure out how did that happen. How he did not see that before hand? Is that still some prank or something?  
“So you like Foundation serie? I like some horror and mystery too, not just sci-fi and fantasy.” Nicole comments him.  
“Yeah, me too. Um, Grayson says you live in Portland, we went to Van Halen’s concert there” Nathan comments her, soon they engage in an interesting conversation about their hobbies and places in Portland. An hour later they all get on the way to return to their homes.   
“You can sleepover at mine so you accompany her home” Grayson signs at Nathan. Nathan declines.  
As the path divides to their streets.  
“I’d like to peruse your collection some day” Nicole comments him. She comments smiling. Nathan not seems to be aware she is flirting, suddenly seems to not recall what they just talked about.  
“My comics or what? We have many hobbies in common”  
“We can start from your favourite” she says placing a stray hair behind her ear.  
“But you said you not really like my favourite comic” Nathan replies confused. From his peripherical view he sees Grayson intenselly signing a verb. Nathan glances at the sign. “Flirt”  
Nathan waves at it thinking Grayson is teasing him, which is unusual.  
“She is flirting with you!” Grayson signs Nathan. It shocks him and gets nervous. Is she? Part of him thinks back. She is “N”. They left you a note on your locker, in the library, you replied each other for weeks. She likes you. Which makes him wonder why if he has no memory they had talked before? Could be they are right this time and he is crushing on her? She seems cute. But that not means he is crushing on her or interested in her, right? Wait, she is looking at his eyes. Was she speaking? About what? She is waiting for an answer to what? Suddenly he feels her hand next to him. How is that happening? Isn’t that too soon? They barely know each other.  
“It was nice meeting you. I’ll see you soon” Nathan suddenly says offering a quick hand shake. She smiles at him and he notices her lips have some redish tone. Is she wearing lipstick?   
“Looking forward to that” she comments.  
Nathan goes back home. He feels anxious. Why does he feel that nervous? Is that normal? Do people really enjoy that? As if reading his mind Iris appears by the window and he pats her.  
The next days he keeps wondering about her. Why did she wrote him? Was she flirting? He can’t help but find her smile quite relaxing and her eyes are quite mesmerizing. Is he crushing on her if he barely knew her? Well she sent him notes for a while, they had a nice conversation at the arcade. That’s all. He was not flirting, she is just interesting. And that was not a date, right? Anyways, he does not date. Surely his friends are just teasing, poking for fun.


	8. 8 - Bijou

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish  
> “Voy contigo, no sea que te pierdas” I’m going with you, so you not get lost.  
> “¿Os puedo ayudar?” Can i help you?  
> “Um, soy Nathan. Soy amigo de Alba ¿está por aquí?” Um, I’m Nathan. I’m Alba’s friend, is he here?  
> “Ah, ¿tu eres el zagal americano? Pues creo que se fue a expansionarse por la Corredera” ah, are you the american guy? I think she went for a walk to the Corredera (zagal is murcian for guy, expansionarse is murcian for a shopping walk)  
> “¿Le puede decir que hemos venido? Estaremos mañana tarde en la Alameda, frente a San Diego. Somos del recovero Juan” can you tell her we were here? We’ll be tomorrow by the Alameda in fron of San Diego. We are from Juan the recovero (recovero is an old job, a person that bought and reselled things, usually eggs)  
> “¿Del Juan? Anda, pasad, si estará a volver pronto” from Juan? Come on in, she must be coming back soon.  
> “¿También se cartea?” Do you also penpal?  
> “Ah no. Escribo para un periódico de mi pueblo ¿no te dijo Alba?” Oh no. I write for a newspaper for my people. Didn’t Alba told you?  
> “Me comentó un poco. Quiere ser periodista por ti” She commented briefly. She wants to be a journalist for you.  
> “Mira, eso no me lo hania dicho” oh, I didn’t knew that.  
> “Que está mi tia” my aunt is here.  
> “¿Sabias que su amiga es nieta del Juan del cabezo? Su hija es mi mejor amiga” did you knew his friend is Juan from the hill’s granddaughter? His sister is my best friend.  
> “Así que tiene novio ¿te lo dijo por carta?” So she has a boyfriend, did she told you on a letter?  
> “Quiero otro polo ¿quien va conmigo al chiringuito?” I want another popsicle. Who goes with me to the Chiringuito? (A chiringuito is like a bar or kiosk in the beach)  
> “Natgan, así practica el idioma” Nathan, so he practices the language  
> “Hola preciosa, soy Mario ¿en que puedo ayudarte?” Hi precious, I’m Mario, how can I help you?  
> “Quiero un polo de esos. Pero con premio. Ya comí muchos este verano y no me tocó ni uno” I want a popsicle of those. But with an award. I had many this summer but got no award”  
> “Espera que salgo y me dices cual es” wait, I get out and you tell me which one.  
> “Es mi vecino americano. Somos de allí, pero mis padre de aquí. Se llama Nathan, sabe español” is my american neigbour. We sre from there, but my parents are from here. He is callef Nathan, he knows spanish.  
> “¿Y tu polo?” Where is your popsicle?  
> “Nathan está charlando con el camarero” Nathan is chatting with the camarero.
> 
> Spanish-romaní  
> “A berdí chaló abajiné” in spanish “la embarcación se fue a pique” in english “the ship sank” is a sentence that Alba’s aunt, Isabel, says randomly to show she is also bilingual. (Ref: wikisource vocabulario caló-castellano)

Chapter - “Bijou”

Haven, January 1992  
The Martin’s had a special gift for Nathan this past Christmas. They invited him for their yearly visit to Spain. The country is hosting Olympics Games that summer. Garland got a bit moody because they had not commented him beforehand, but Nathan seems to want to go, and before Elizabeth passed away they talked of him joining the exchange programme and he had not, so finally he agrees on the condition of acing his grades this year. Nathan also wants to get a more formal summer job and get his driving license, although he not has enough money for getting a car yet, more considering the flight.   
Martin’s and Nathan keep going twice a week to Portland for Sam’s course, so he ocassionally meets with Nicole, she talks about different musicians and curiously he gives a listen to her mixtapes, on his headphones because Garland find them annoying, at least now he not makes the mohawk comment. They get along well, they really have common interests. He told his spanish penpals he is travelling there in the summer, so they will try to meet in person.

Portland, friday 27 february 1992  
Nathan goes with his friends, Nicole and Roberto to Metallica’s concert. She is not that big a fan but figured would be fun. They go to an arcade and for pizza afterwards. She has shown him many places those past weeks, so Nathan is the guide around. She offered him to stay the weekend, but he declined. His friends will return to Haven after the concert. Duke later teases Nathan about his date. What date? They all went to enjoy music. 

Haven, june 1992  
Nathan aced the year. He is going to formal interviews for a summer job. Instead of buying himself some ties for the interviews he picks from Garland. He has been friendly and taught him to do the knot. So far no job gave a reply. Looks like will be another summer helping with the repair garage and local library computer. Teagues offered him a job too but he is hesitant, given that are friends of Garland he guess the job will be low paid compared to a job somewhere else.

He feels like celebrating so for once joined a no parents home weekend party at Chris. There are beers, and olders like Wade, well, you can have a gues what they are up to. For once Nathan plays along with the “you are the one that gets their attention, tell them about us”, and he does, like the many times Duke has been mean to him, which gets they give him an angry look and ignore him for the night, so per default the girls go to Chris the moment Nathan declines their interest in more than a nice talk. Grayson is also there and is a bit uncomfortable too, so not too long into the night both Nathan and Grayson go at Grayson’s. Nathan is not sure if he liked the beer. It tastes weird.  
“So, what about you and Nicole?” Grayson signs Nathan.  
“What?” Nathan asks confused.  
“You spend quite a lot of time together lately. You went to a concert. Aren’t you two together?”   
“I spend a lot of time with you too. We went to the concert with more people. Why would I be together with anyone?” Nathan asks confused.  
“Is it because she is a girl?” Grayson asks, Nathan looks confused.  
“I mean, had you thought, are you interestless about guys too, or just girls?”   
“I’m interestless that way on anyone Grayson. Regardless of gender or whatever. You want to talk about your crush? Fine, I’ll listen, but I am clueless about flirting. Apparently I give good dating advice, or so says Noelle and Debs, I don’t know how.” Nathan explains.  
“How can you give good dating advice but be clueless about flirting?”  
“The same way a person speaks properly but makes mistakes writing. I guess, for me flirting is secondary, like writing is secondary but speaking is basic” Nathan reasons.  
“In that logic dating should be natural to you, but you never date, are always single so”  
“Maybe my speaking fluency is not verbal but signs?” Nathan signs. Grayson looks curious.  
“I am picking for what Daniela has told me those years, girls talk to me me because I am interesting, I give conversation, I am resolutive. You are diabetic, you need a candy, I have it. The thing is some read that as flirting when I am not doing that. Is like if someone misinterpret an ASL sign with another gesture thus gives it another meaning. It gets confusing.” Nathan reasons.  
“Do you think you will ever solve that misinterpretation?” Grayson asks him.  
“To tell you the truth at times I wish I could find more people like me. I don’t think I am one in millions, there must be more like me somewhere, I have yet not met them. Then I could tell you, oh yes it gets to a moment when we can tell one from the other. But anyways is not like I read them as flirty, are them.” Nathan resolves.  
“So, you’ll be single all your life then? Are you happy with that?” Grayson asks him.  
“I am not against other people dating each other. I am just not interested. I don’t know, so far I am happy. Anyways I find that dating a person just so they fullfil your happiness is sort of using them. I mean you should be happy on your own. Sure if you met someone you like, great. You get what I mean? I feel like most do is the opposite order, that is not fair. Is like when I asked Garland if he’d date anyone else. He said that would not be fair to anyone because he still loves my mom, so asking someone to replace her or forget her or move on from her would not be fair.”  
“So you think Garland will really not date anyone?”  
“I think he was honest. But who knows what will happen in say 20 years.” Nathan asks.  
They get tired and finally fall asleep. Nathan wonders why Grayson has asked him all that. 

Barcelona, 22 july 1992  
Nathan got accepted to get some holidays from the repair garage and the library, so there he is on a plane. Walkman blasting music that Nicole got him into. He also has some spanish music from Daniela. He has been praticing his spanish lately. After hours of flight they arrive in Barcelona. They will be there a couple days then they go to the centre and later to the south. Sam’s dad family live in the centre, and her mom in the south. They already told him the accent is quite different, also that in Barcelona people also speak Català.   
They meet with Hector and Daryl at the airport, Roberto’s cousin and his partner. They help them to move around.

Hector and Daryl shows them the city the next couple days. Parc Güell, Montjuic, Ramblas, Barceloneta beach. They invite them for dinner at their place. Since Daryl is british-ethiopean he prepares them a mix meal of both cultures. Daryl is very friendly and invite them to Manchester, his hometown anytime. 

Drive to the centre. There the guide is Roberto. Daniela joins them. They walk along river Pisuerga, they bathe and sunbathe in the fluvial beach Las Moreras. They visit Renaissance author Miguel de Cervantes home-museum, Nathan finds curious that the next street is the shoeshop area, and romantic era poet José Zorrilla home-museum, finally they visit the botanic garden Campogrande. Roberto’s family are very friendly and easy-going. Felix, one of his brothers chat with Nathan in english, about music mostly. Roberto’s father invite them for lunch. He cooks them crayfish, and gives them a dessert typical from a town called Portillo, which locals refer to as zapatillas, which Nathan finds strange. They explain him the covering is the same color than the typical shoes wore by day laborers in farms, called esparteñas or alpargatas.

Drive to the south. Finally Nathan will meet his penpal friends. Alba is from Marta’s hometown. Rosa lives in a near city by the sea too. Marta’s family is quite different than Roberto, they are friendly but use to overstep boundaries with their jokes. Nathan gets interested about the folk instruments that Marta’s uncle, Paco plays. He gets invited for lunch there along with Sam and Daniela. The host prepared them a seafood paella which included octopus, and something called caldo con pelotas. Is a noodle soup called aletria and big meatballs.   
Nathan is shocked to walk the streets were Martin’s told him parade chariots with 4 horses in Easter. Their river is dry, but the city has many bridges and lots of pottery. There’s a castle at the top of a hill that can be seen everywhere.   
“Voy contigo, no sea que te pierdas” says Daniela following him. He is going to meet Alba. They wander the street unsure if she will be there. He hears words he not understands well.   
They knock on the door and opens them a friendly woman. Tall, curly dark hair, brown eyes, tan skin, tanner than Daniela.  
“¿Os puedo ayudar?” Asks the woman.  
“Um, soy Nathan. Soy amigo de Alba. ¿Está por aquí?” Nathan awkwardly explains showing her his letter. She looks at the sender.  
“Ah, ¿tu eres el zagal americano? Pues creo que se fue a expansionarse por la Corredera” the woman replies. Nathan looks puzzled. What is zagal and expansionarse?  
“¿Le puede decir que vinimos? Estaremos mañana tarde en la Alameda, frente a San Diego. Somos del recovero Juan” Daniela explains her.  
“¿Del Juan? Anda, pasad, si estará a volver pronto” the woman offers them to get in. Nathan and Daniela sit on the coach. She was writing. Nathan gets curious.  
“¿También se cartea?” He asks her.  
“Ah no. Escribo para un periodoco de mi pueblo. Nevipens romaní. ¿No te dijo Alba?”   
“Me comentó un poco. Quiere ser periodista por ti.” Nathan replies.  
“Mira, eso no me lo había dicho”  
Soon arrives Alba and a guy.   
“Que está mi tia” Alba comments the guy as she enters to the living room. She is surprised to see Nathan there.  
“Oh, Nathan, I didn’t knew you were already in town. I thought you’d call first”  
“You didn’t made an appointment?” Daniela asks him confused.  
“A berdí chaló abajiné” Alba’s suddenly says in romaní. Nathan is confused. That not seems spanish.  
“Is spanish romaní, not spanish. You know we are romaní. She is not fluent in english”. Alba explains.  
“¿Sabias que su amiga es nieta del Juan, del cabezo? Su hija es mi mejor amiga” Alba’s aunt comments.  
“I think we better talk somewhere else” Alba offers and they go to the home’s patio. Whike Alba’s boyfriend plays a guitar, Nathan, Alba and Daniela talk quietly. Isabel, Alba’s aunt offer them some snacks. Without them noticing it gets dark so they exchange their goodbyes and Nathan and Daniela leave. Nathan almost hits with a tall tanner guy around his age. Both apology.   
“Asi que tiene novio. ¿Te lo dijo por carta?” Daniela asks him.  
“We don’t write about that” Nathan replies.  
“So, you are ok, she is dating?” Daniela asks him.  
“Yeah, I’m happy for her. They seem to like each other. Why would I not be ok? I want my friends to be happy” Nathan replies. Daniela is a bit unsure that is true but lets it be.

Drive to the beach. They go to a beach called La Azohia. The bay is surrounded by hills, Nathan wishes to stay longer to walk up there. Sure the view is amazing. At a Chiringuito serves them someone that looks familiar. Nathan glances trying to figure out where does he knows him for. Nathan goes to play in the sand with Sam. Daniela catches him glancing at the waiter.  
“So cute. You like him. Good taste by the way” Daniela comments him.  
“What? No. I think I saw him before, I don’t know from where” Nathan replies.  
“Why don’t you talk to him?” Daniela suggests he looks confused.  
“Why would I...?” Nathan asks back but mid-sentence Sam approaches them.  
“Quiero otro polo. ¿Quien va conmigo al chiringuito?” Sam says in a bit whiny voice.  
“Nathan, así practica el idioma” Daniela says cheerfully. Nathan glares at her but Sam holds his hand. They approach the chiringuito. Then plays Queens’s Bijou. And also approaches to attend them the waiter.  
“Hola preciosa, soy Mario ¿en que puedo ayudarte?” The waiter says to Sam. Nathan stares at him yet trying to figure out where had he seen him before.  
“Quiero un polo de esos. Pero con premio. Ya comí muchos este verano y no me tocó ni uno” Sam says pointing low on the chart.  
“Espera que salgo y me dices cual es” the guy goes out. He is surprised the kid’s companion said nothing. Sam notices.  
“Es mi vecino americano. Somos de alli, pero mis padres de aquí. Se llama Nathan, sabe español” Sam explains.  
“Nathan, nice name. So did the stray cat got your tongue?” Mario tells Nathan.  
“Do I know you from somewhere else?” Nathan directly asks him.  
“I wish” Mario replies, both Sam and Nathan glance confused at him. “I mean, I wish I were from somewhere nice like the US too, other than the Olympics there are no big events here. Is a quiet place to live. I hope I go abroad for a while some time” Mario explains.  
“So you not went with your High School to mine in a writing exchange before?” Nathan asks.  
“Easy tiger, such a move to ask for my address that quick, honey.” Mario comments, making Nathan blush in confusion, he is not flirting. Sam runs to Daniela, looks like nobody will invite her to a popsicle.  
“¿Y tu polo?” Asks her Daniela.  
“Nathan está charlando con el camarero” Sam replies.  
“I didn’t meant it like that. I wasn’t flirting or anything. Is just you look familiar somehow. Nevermind. Anyways she wanted that coloured popsicle, Pirulo” Nathan replies.  
“You were not? That glancing all afternoon says otherwise, but as you say. Want another popsicle for you or your other friend?” Mario asks giving him Sam’s Pirulo. Nathan denies and leaves. He is leaving without paying. Why did Mario thought he was flirting? He wasn’t, was he? Nathan gives the popsicle to Sam and goes to swim. Why does people read him as flirty if he is not?  
Meanwhile Daniela paid the popsicle and Mario gave her his contact.  
Later that night Daniela hids the contact note on Nathan’s backpack zipped pocket.

Next day they meet Rosa. Nathan has such a blast with her works. He encourages her to send her works to contests but she still think aren’t good enough. Daniela don’t understand what do they see so interesting about literature, is boring strange words here and there.

Haven, 10 august 1992  
Nathan has arrived back to the US. He is so tired with the time zone differences. He doesn’t know if write Mario or not. As much as he asked Daniela she not said why he gave her his address, or why would he be interested in contact him if they not know each other.  
“Are you sure he not gave the address for you?” Nathan asks her.  
“Are you kidding me? Even Sam saw he was flirting with you all along. You don’t have to reply if you not want to. I burn the paper and end of story. Had you really stared at him all afternoon and you are not curious to know more about him?”   
“I was not flirting. I don’t flirt. Why can’t two people just be friends?” Nathan says exasperated.  
“So just be his friend. Flirty or not he seemed, interesting”   
“I am starting to dislike that word. You told me that. I truly have hobbies, always had, I was mocked because of them, but I enjoy my hobbies. The girls now find me interesting so they gather around me to talk, the guys read as me flirting with them, so they get jealous and the girls disappointed when I insist that I am not interested further than on a nice conversation. Jealous, disappointmemt, but of course everyone assumes I must enjoy all that. I do not, makes me so uncomfortable. Why can’t people just be friend with each other, flirt-free? Why almost everyone reads any politeness as flirty? Now if I offer a juice in a marathon, am I flirting with the runner or I am polite? Because everyone reads it as flirty when is not” Nathan replies annoyed.  
“Calm down” Daniela tells him passing him the stress teddy he bought. “Ok, think the opposite. What do you understand by flirting then? Like it or not many people do flirt, why I don’t know either. What would not be uncomfortable? You were partner with Deborah, so is not like you are null interested at all in a closer than a friendship company. So, where is the middle point? Figure that out, set that clear. Easy. You think after Wade I did not set boundaries? There are kind of people I am not interested at all, not even as friend. I avoid, ignore then even. Just do that. If gut says is wrong, listen and leave that person, no second thoughts. If Mario flirting was upsetting, I am sorry I picked the note.” Daniela resolves.  
“I don’t know. Deborah was ... comfortable. I had not felt like that with anyone else. Maybe I never will” Nathan comments.  
“If you are happy that way. Don’t let the pressure gets to you. You’ll find better people some day” Daniela tells him friendly. He nods, she hugs him and leaves.  
Nathan thinks a lot about all the misunderstanding with Mario, and following the boundaries advice and yet curious, because he not feels fair to ignore him, after all he was kind, is just that Nathan is not comfortable with kindness read as flirting, so he writes him.

Haven, september 1992  
Nathan is in Junior year. Just one more to get to College and hopefully that brings a new, better era in his life. He will get his driving license by december, when he’ll turn 17. For some reason everyone seems busy for weekly cinema, they rather meet at some home party on weekends instead. Nathan is not much interested, so he rather read, he picked photography back and goes hiking on weekends. He made some new friends that like that too. He still goes twice a week to Portland and talks weekly to Hannah, although Rev now looks more annoyed at him and wants to be present. Apparently it has to do with the church visiting in Portland. Nathan still don’t gets it.  
Hannah suddenly asks him quite a lot about Nicole. And Nicole about Hannah. Nathan still not gets why they are so curious about each other but they refuse to both attend a movie or go hiking together. He got a job for the weekends. Attire requires a tie so both friends offered to go buy one with him.

Haven, october 1992  
Nathan and Nicole watch movies, go hiking, talk about sci-fi. Both read about the computing progress. He really enjoys her company. She went to some parties with him, but not pressured to play drinking games or anything. So usually they are the only two in the corner or backyard talking. For some reason she is closer lately, and he seems to be fine with that. So they go to listen to music at his place. Nicole has a habit of asking him about his letters.  
“4 to reply. And none is your girlfriend yet?” nicole asks curious. Nathan looks from the magazine he was reading.  
“Not interested, you know that” Nathan replies going back to the magazine.  
“I know, aswell as you had a partner before. Not interested in that either?” Nicole offers. He looks puzzled, why does she say that? Oh wait, she likes him? She looks at him differently.  
Soon they are kissing.   
Although she sort of cleared it was just for fun, he wonders what ettiquete does that entail?  
During that month they made out a few more times, yet they not consider each other an item or anything like that. True they still do other things, hiking on weekends. They even talk about McGyver.

Haven, november 1992  
Although she has started to be a bit more touchy-feeling, at times wandering hands that are going too fast for him, he enjoys kissing so they are making out in his room. Garland is at work. In theory she went to listen some vynil.  
4 tracks later Garland gets home. He needs to replace his tie and go back to the station, so figuring that Nathan is at Grayson or something, because the home is silent, no music, he opens Nathan’s bedroom door to find a tie to use. To his surprise there are the two kissing. Garland is surprised.  
“Tie. The door. You two?” Garland more mumbles than speaks in surprise.  
Nathan is nervous. How did he got there? Garland goes to pick a tie from his room and before leaving home he stops by Nathan again.  
“You two out. I’ll drive you back to your home. You are going to the station with me. We’ll have a conversation on the way” Garland sentences. Nathan not understands what is going on? Why is everyone so into him dating someone, but when he gets comfortable with someone then is a drama for everyone. With Deborah “the door open” now a talk to the station. A talk, with Garland. His stomach aches. Garland drops Nicole at her grandma’s. Nathan’s ache is clear in the car so Garland delays the talk for the moment, leaves Nathan resting on the couch on the station while he talks to Eleanor.  
“So, what gave you stomach ache? Too much dinner?” Laverne asks Nathan. He denies.  
“Garland. Wants to talk” Nathan mumbles. Laverne looks intrigued.  
“About girls. Now.” Nathan continues. She nods.  
“I thought school gave the talk now” Laverne replies.  
“And it does. I am not interested. I was just in my room with ...” Nathan explains but she waves to stop.  
“Ok, I get it. You talk with him” Laverne resolves. Nathan eyerolls.  
“I don’t get why everyone is crushing, types, dating, and the moment I am comfortable with someone the talk has to happen. Why seems everything people do is think about that. I don’t” Nathan complains.  
“If your dad think you two have to talk, you two have to talk. End of story” Laverne sentences.  
Garland picks him up and takes him to Eleanor. Both give him the talk. Nathan eyerolling at Garland. Even Eleanor eyerolled too. So Garland asks her to explain instead. Nathan looks down. Why is that happening?  
“Ok, ok. I appreaciate the interest, but no. I am not interested in that. Maybe some day I will. So far no. That was not going to happen. In fact you are jumping way too very very far.” Nathan stops the conversation.  
“Were you planning to kiss her when you brought her home? I bet you didn’t, still that happened. So you better know and be prepared. A year after your mom passed away you asked me if I would date anyone, would I told you. Same goes with you. You didn’t told me” Garland replies.  
“You are assuming I don’t know what I want to do or not? We are not dating. Deborah was my partner, we weren’t dating either. Why would I tell you? See where we are, talking about that in the morgue. Is that normal?” Nathan replies gesturing all along.  
“I am not assuming. I mean that, at times happen things that one not expected, so the minimum you can do is be ready for if someday that happens. I know that school gives you some talk, but what if that is not clear? What if you have doubts?” Garland explains.  
“There are magazines with a consulting section for that now. If I were interested I would read them, which I don’t because I am not interested. Why you not get it?” Nathan says exasperated.  
“Ok, you not date. But say, you get close with a friend. Save us the embarassedment. Tell me ahead.” Garland offers.  
“Do I ask you about that? No, there is a comfortable silence. Can’t it stay like that?” Nathan replies.  
“What? I am not seeing anyone, less I would bring them home without saying” Garland replies.  
“Ok, noted. Don’t worry, that won’t ever happen again. Conversation over.” Nathan sentences.  
“Nathan, I not mean it as bad. I am just asking you to be more accountable.” Garland says.  
“Are you serious? I am turning 17, I am Junior, I have a driving license, I don’t need that talk, I had many of those in High School. We are talking about that in the morgue, not just us quietly alone at home. You see the irony of pretending your overreaction as is normal? I don’t get why you all talk about crushing and so on as is the only normal, the highest for everyone’s life. I say I am not interested, but the moment I am comfortable and closer with someone, we were just kissing, nothing else was going to happen, you make such a big deal. You know that a guy has the right to say no too? You know that A not means B, right? You know how many girls talk to me to try to get more than just friendship from me? I know the guys are jealous that I get that attention that I had not requested, I know the girls get disappointment. So either I am hyperalert or oblivious about flirting, I am clueless about that, how everyone does that, is not for me. How many read my politeness as flirting? You wonder what that makes me feel? As uncomfortable as this overreacting conversation. But meanwhile I had to be ok with being told cold or frigid because my friends magazines dating tests rated me as such because I would not kiss with an stranger just because they are hot or because both are single. I don’t have a type not that way or other, just an emotional connection, comfort, closeness, people that not boldly flirt with me, which are truly interested as I am into them as a person, not just to past the time or not be single. Nicole and I, have mutual interests, is not just a past-time. But no you all make it weird, no matter what I say, but all along how I feel not matters. All that makes me feel so uncomfortable and inadecuate so many times. But of course who cares, I am just the f... ” Nathan replies him.  
“Don’t say that. You are not. I am sorry if I overreacted. I’ll try to be more understanding. You are growing up, maybe I just don’t get it yet. But next time give some heads up. I rather you be safe than not”. Garland.  
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll be moving when I finish High School, not just for College” Nathan sentences leaving the station to go home. On the way he stops by Elizabeth’s tombstone.  
He does not know how did that happen, wondering again if things would had been like that if Elizabeth were to be yet there, or just easier. She would not make such a big deal. At times Nathan feels like Garland never cared to know him, he provided but that’s all. He had time, years to know him, but even as a kid, the moment he was not as sports skilled as other kids, there left the interest. Is not like he was boldly rude, but he was not as interested as he once was and that hurts so much, not having someone understanding when he needs them.  
He walks back home, entering his room waits him Iris as if knowing he needed it. He lays on his bed, Iris cuddled by his side, he patting her until he falls asleep.

He needs a day to process what had happened. As soon as he knows Nicole is in town for the weekend he goes to talk with her, because he figures that should be talked, right?. They decide to stay as just friends, it was fun, but they would want different things at some point.

Haven, 20 december 1992  
A bit later, but the AV club has planned a pizza dinner them all to celebrate the end of the year, but really was to celebrate his birthday. Even Hannah and Duke are there. Hannah is doing many works with Nathan lately.  
Nathan can’t help but briefly wonder would he ever find someone and it will last? Is he not made for that? Is he really more like Julia than he thinks? She seems happy with that. Why there’s nobody he can talk about that with? Nothing he tries to research about that seem to help.


	9. I'm on fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First part wasn't initially planned as that but it happened and I decided to keep it.  
> Sorry for the so long hiatus to update that one.

Haven, january 1993

Nathan is growing fond of penpalling Mario, after all his music knowledge is interesting. The spaniard keeps telling him about many bands, specially about La Movida, they even started to phone call each other once a month. Garland is not such a fan, so Roberto has offered to phone call from the shop instead, so Nathan helps him with some purchases and babysitting Sam more often. Nathan and Garland’s relationship is tense. They spend even less time at home. Garland working more shifts and going more to the hunting club. Nathan feels a bit guilty to think his dad is taking his frustration on shoting animals now, at least is not on drinking more. He still remember how revolting that hunting was.  
Julia has got a membership at the movie rental shop, so she is ordering a bunch of movies weekly, and inviting them over. Truth is, Nathan is invited to less movies.  
He found out a friday. He had a work to present with her on monday, they were going to put it together that sunday but since his part was done he showed at her place unannounced to find them all at the cinema.  
“I didn’t told you because the movie is quite romantic and I didn’t want you’ve be uncomfortable, but you can come over if you want to” Julia tells him apologetically.  
Nathan decides to join. And to his surprise the movie is not just romantic. Which got him curious, specially the fact that Grayson was quite attentive about the story.  
He’s gone to some parties, but still feels weird when a random girl picks attention on him because they find him cute. Daniela was partially correct about the “be interesting” part, but now it turns out that some people pretend to be interested just to make out somewhere, and although he likes kissing, that not feels good afterwards, and still kissing an stranger out of the blue feels too weird too even consider trying that.

One day while returning from the park with Sam.  
“I want gummy bears. Can we stop by the supermarket?” Sam asks, while riding her bike.  
“Don’t you prefer some ice cream? We make cookies when we get home?” Nathan offers.  
“But the supermarket is on the way. Is faster. I have my pocket money.” Sam insists. Nathan sighs.  
“Ok. But we are getting late and I have homework to do” Nathan points out.  
“You always have homework to do.” Sam complains.  
They walk in the supermarket and Sam goes directly to the cashier.  
“Hi, I’d like gummy bears, please” Sam directly tells to a young guy with hair combed back and sideburns.   
“Hi lovely. I’m sorry but I can’t leave the cashier right now. The gummy bears are on the aisle on the left.” The guy tells her. Sam goes to find the gummy bears. Nathan is hesitant if going after her or not. The cashier glances at Nathan.  
“Little sister? I have one too. At least yours not shouts out song lyrics at random.” The guy comments him.  
“She is not my sister, we are just neigbours.” Nathan tells him. The guy nods. Sam returns with a bunch of gummy bear bags, that she places on the cashier.  
“No, no. Just one bag.” Nathan tells her.  
“But, I have enough pocket money” Sam replies.  
“Still, no. One bag.” Nathan insists.  
“You are not fun since you are in that junior year. Homework, no gummy bears. Being older is boring” Sam complains.  
“Thankfully I already graduated” The cashier comments in a small voice that got Nathan curious.  
“I don’t remember seeing you in senior year” Nathan tells him.  
“I was home schooled. Mom’s an engeneer and dad’s an architect. Anyways we moved here a few weeks ago.” The guy explains.  
“Working for College?” Nathan asks him.  
“Not really. I just want to move on my own soon.” the guy comments. Sam finally picks a bag and gives it to the cashier. “Well, that’s one nice choice. It’ll be half a dollar.”  
“Thank you cashier.” Sam tells him.  
“Name’s Bruce. See you around. Have a good day” The cashier tells them before they leave.  
“He called me lovely.” Sam comments giggling as they are back at the sidewalk. Nathan changes topic as they walk back home. He tells Marta about the gummy bears in case Sam was forbidden to and just took a way to skip it.  
“Is fine. Sweet teeth. So, how are things going with you? Still want to move on your own next year?” Marta asks him.  
“The cashier wants to move on his own too. He called me lovely.” Sam tells them.  
“Oh, is that so? Is he in your class?” Marta asks Nathan.  
“I never saw him before. New in town. Was homeschooled. Graduated already.” Nathan tells her.  
“Quite a lot of information for being just an acquaintance. Are you sure you didn’t had a coffee together?” Marta banters.  
“He was a bit chatty.” Nathan simply says. Marta nods curiously.

Haven, february 1993

Nathan has joined the movies at Julia regularly, even the romantic ones. He found it interesting, still is not looking forward to anything like that to happen to him. He find some of them either too dramatic or too unrealistically fast forwarded. How can you date someone you barely know from a few months?

He is going hiking alone on weekend mornings. One day while he was following a trail, someone took the slippery one ahead of his.  
“That one is slippery!” Nathan warns the other hiker.  
“I know. I am good at that. Don’t worry” the hiker replies without looking and slips to the ground.  
“I warned” Nathan tells as he approaches to help them stand up. As he helps them he finds out who it was. “Bruce?” Nathan asks him confused, noticing his music themed tshirt and wristband.  
“Good memory. Day off, nobody home. What took you here?” Bruce comments.  
“Dad at home. So, you like the band?” Nathan tells him. Bruce nods.  
“Been to a couple concerts. Tell you the truth is what I spend my money on. Concerts, vynils, my music set. You should check it out some day. You came here to smoke?” Bruce asks him. Nathan looks confused and denies. “I see no other company to make out with.” Bruce says looking around. Nathan looks puzzled.  
“No, I don’t. Why do you think I?” Nathan comments.  
“Come on. We are the same age. I am new here, but I know what the folks are doing. Party, make out. You not seem the party type, but still there are many other activities to get some, you know. Plus woods, make out or smoking point.” Bruce tells him.  
“I am just not interested.” Nathan replies.  
“About which part?” Bruce asks him.  
“The last part.” Nathan replies.   
“Never? Not curious? With nobody? Nobody interesting here?” Bruce asks him.  
“I did not came to the woods to talk about that with anyone.” Nathan replies.  
“Ok.” Bruce replies. “So, you are local. A good path to walk along?” Bruce asks him. Nathan simply points to the left.   
“Midway it divides. If you want to approach the shore, stay on the left. The right takes you back to the town.” Nathan tells him. Bruce nods and they keep walking, and talking about their hobbies as they approach the division.  
“Which one do you prefer?” Bruce tells him.  
“I have nothing to do at town.” Nathan replies, walking to the left.  
“I thought you’d say you like my company because I am so funny” Bruce tells him.  
“I am not Jessica Rabbit, and you are not Roger Rabbit” Nathan tells him, walking ahead.  
“Hair can be dyed you know” Bruce banters back.  
“Still, not interested.” Nathan replies.  
“Not even on my vynils?” Bruce asks him. Nathan looks at him confused. Is Bruce trying to flirt?  
“I am fine with my own.” Nathan replies. Bruce nods.  
“OK. So any interesting concert coming up? It’ll be fun to go to some.” Bruce offers.  
They talk about music, photography and technology the rest of their walk along the shore. Bruce insists on accompanying him home.  
“It was fun after all. Know each other better” Bruce tells him gesturing between them. “Aren’t I funny?”   
“Could be, still not made me laugh” Nathan tells him.  
“I’ll get there. I’ll get your humour one day. That’s a personal quest now” Bruce tells him. Nathan looks confused “I’ll get bunny ears if I have to. For Easter” Bruce banters.  
“I am not dying my hair, Roger” Nathan tells him. “But ok, music part was intersting” Bruce nods and Nathan gets home.

Haven, March 1993

And again conversations mention baseball but is not baseball. Any minute at the restroom is so annoying, because now there is not just the older guys talk about their conquests, for lack of a better word, he so dislikes that battle field vocabulary associated socially with romance, but now the guys in his class too. Is like a competition that one has to take part in, if not you are singled out.  
So he has befriended other single people. He thought, finally a free space. Wrong, two weeks later at a sleepover which was meant to be a board game campaign.  
Soon the board is ignored and they talk about that, worst even, focused on him, assuming on him. About what they wish, what they think they’d like, their dreams. It shocks him they talk like that about it all. Seems quite unrespectful. Like that mocking at the restrooms about Jessica Rabbit. He is the only one to not speak up about it on the round.  
“Oh come on. I am sure you do too. Don’t you wonder about it? Hormones are hormones. And don’t tell me with the songs you listen to, you don’t do something” One of the guys tells patting his back.  
“The songs I listen to?” Nathan asks confused.  
“You listen the same the bad guys listen to. They always get some” The guy continues. Nathan is puzzled.  
“We know you go to parties. We are not invited, doesn’t mean we don’t know what goes on at them. So you sure have done something. Don’t you? Is it that good?” Another guy adds.  
“I am not going to talk about that” Nathan cuts off going to stand up, but one of the guys pulls him back to the floor.  
“Oh, come on. Share with the class. You are cute. Don’t tell me you haven’t kissed” the guy insists.  
“I think campaign is over for me. Thanks.” Nathan says standing up and leaving.  
He doesn’t get the forwardness. So, he can’t make new friends apparently. He wonders if there is something with him. If all those insults are right. Does he has trust issues? Is really people meant to be paired up at random now yes or yes? He won’t admit that outloud, but yes, hormones are hormones and at times act themselves up, annoyingly more often now, but why his peers are always so crude about it? And still one thing is that and another actually wanting something with someone.

At least Bruce seems to not tease about that again. True he makes jokes, but not that way. They actually enjoy their weekly walk to the woods, and have gone to some concert together. Bruce seems well socially skilled and resolutive. Turns out that Bruce really like electronics too, and has offered Nathan to help him fix the AV Club projector that keeps breaking. So Bruce has came over his place some days. He has even met the AV Club and befriended them. He has joined the movie nights at Julia too. Nathan and him use to sit together and chat, share gummy bears.   
Nathan not seem to notice how closer they are getting, nor how Bruce glances at him, or the fact that lately he not seem interested in the girls. He got curious about his penpaling.   
Duke has been asking him to do class projects together, as so has done Hannah to study for exams, but still Rev not seems unfriendly.

Haven, april 1993

Nathan has made new friends attending concerts with Bruce and collecting vynils. He rather not get too close with the new friends. He has noticed that other people he has made fast friends with, they soon after brought up the dating topic, so maybe that way they stick to their mutual interest.  
He has been invited to some parties. Again some girls were interested in him to make out simply because he is cute, and he can’t with the emotional aftermath: the partner annoyed at not getting it further, their wandering hands, or saying sweet nothings they not really mean. So he mostly stays in a corner, glass in hand.  
“Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here. What dragged you out of your cave?” Bruce tells him.  
“Boredom, I guess. You?” Nathan tells him.  
“My cousin is somewhere trying to get a girl. He came over to visit.” Bruce tells him. Nathan nods. “So, how’s the week treated you?” Bruce asks.  
They talk about their week, and make plans for another weekend.  
“No-one interesting?” Nathan asks him as a girl that passed by glanced at Bruce.  
“I prefer our conversation.” Bruce tells, to which Nathan is surprised.  
“You still don’t make me laugh, Roger” Nathan banters.  
“I’ll get there.” Bruce jokes back.

Haven, May 1993

Hannah has been inviting Nathan over to study more often lately. He has caught her glancing a few times. Not at him but at other guys. He has seen her talking in crowds she not used to talk with. He has noticed the small groups checking up on someone, because someone in the group likes the person but is shy to say, so all them advice the shy one. Nathan wonders who does she like?  
A couple weeks later, apparently the guy that Hannah liked is moving for their senior year. Nathan was going to meet Hannah at the back of the church as usual and saw them talking very close then she left. What is going on?  
The next day she invites him over.  
“So, is everything fine with the guy?” Nathan asks her trying to be comforting.  
“What guy?” Hannah is taken aback.  
“I saw you both talking the other day at the back of the church. You left annoyed” Nathan explains.  
“He is moving. Is over” Hannah says.  
“So, you two were dating?” Nathan asks curious.  
“We were … talking. He asked me out at a party. He seemed nice. But now is leaving” she says.  
“So, you liked him?” Nathan asks. From what he gets it has happened quite fast. He still don’t see the sense of it.  
“You know who I like” Nathan tells him, glancing at him. He rubs his nape.  
”If you not liked him, why you dated him?” Nathan asks confused.  
“I told you. He seemed nice” Hannah says giving him a look he doesn’t understand. She is trying he gets the unsaid lines, the obvious “I was going to date him, because I can’t date you, you won’t make a move on me”, he doesn’t notice that. “I should get going” she says standing up to leave, although they were at her place. She leaves to another crowd friend. He closes the magazine she was reading to find a paper. In the middle of the jotting down there were words in capital letters which got his attention, so he starts reading. He quickly blushes and leaves the paper back in the magazine.  
As he is leaving her place, a bike almost runs over him. It was Bruce.  
“Sorry, I didn’t expect any move on that sidewalk. Have you checked the new number? The music magazine. Is out already. I saw it passing by the kiosk” Bruce tells him.  
“Not yet. This weekend is either magazines or going out. I am low on cash. Saving for College” Nathan tells him.  
“Good planner. But have some fun” Bruce tells him.  
In front of them passes the Bronco and Nathan glances at the car.  
“I will. Good things are worth to wait, you know” Nathan says.  
“Oh, I see. You have bigger plans. Not too old, nice shape. It suits you” Bruce says looking at the car as a woman comes out of it.  
“I was talking about the car, not her.” Nathan quickly clarifies.  
“Me too. Get your head out of the gutter once in a while” Bruce banters. “Well, I should get back on my route, see you around” Bruce leaves down the street.

Later that month at Duke’s birthday party, the host is quite chatty with Nathan.  
“I’d like we could catch up, you know, summer plans” Duke tells him, arm around his shoulders.  
“Duke we almost past the deadlines this month. What do you want?” Nathan asks him.  
“I was going to update you about Hannah. I asked about that guy. There’s something interesting that you should know”  
“I don’t need any update. She can see whoever she wants to. We are just friends”  
“Turns out that she declined him. Because guess what? She like someone else. And she is here. Make a move. You like her, don’t you?” Duke tells him.  
“If it’s meant to be it’ll happen”  
“It’ll never happen if you not make a move” Duke protests as Nathan walks away.   
As he walks down the street, unawaredly at Bruce’s.  
“Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here at this hour. Everything fine?” Bruce tells him.  
“Yeah. Party is over” Nathan tells him.  
“We are watching your favourite movie, you can come over. I’ll show you my vynils too, Roger”  
“I don’t know your parents. I don’t go walking at homes at random” Nathan tells him.  
“You are quite funny. Don’t worry, I’m inviting you over. Is fine. I told them about you long ago”  
“I thought we were watching the movie. Another board campaign?” Tells his mother.  
“No. Music friend. He likes that movie. I invited him over, he was late. I’ll show him my vynils while the adverts” Bruce tells him walking him to his room.  
“That can take weeks. I don’t see why you are spending all your money on that. I don’t think you’ve have time to listen them all, but is your money” Bruce’s dad says.  
Bruce puts the headphones on and plays the vynil to Nathan.  
“A lot better quality. You can feel any slight change in the melody. Best music set out there.” Bruce tells him. Nathan is distracted with the music. Bruce unplugs the headphones and stops the music.  
“Hey, I was listening” Nathan protests, finally paying attention to the vynil cover. “Much ego?”  
“Bruce Springsteen is a good musician, and that’s a great album” Bruce defends. Bruce plays the vynil again. The song playing is “I’m on fire” and since the door is open his mom comes over.  
“Bruce, lower the music. Your sister is going to pick on the lyrics. And her running around the supermarket screaming “Young lust” at the top of her lungs was quite an entrance in the town”  
“Your sister did that?” Nathan asks amused.  
“It wasn’t that funny” Bruce tells him. “Movie?”  
They join the family in the living room and watch the movie. His little sister, Cindy, is quite curious about Nathan. Again both them share the gummy bears bowl.

Haven, June 1993

Junior year finished, Nathan as usual has aced the his grades. Still all that Garland asks him about is what job he’ll get once he finishes high school, and tries to convince him to become a cop instead of going to College.  
Nathan has spent his time more at Bruce lately. Movies, Vynils. He is really enjoying his company, he finds him interesting, Bruce listens. They confide on each other, give each other advice, even encouraged on asking out Hannah, and although he banters, he is not really pushy as their peers. He has grown fond of him. Nathan is not aware how close they are getting, they use to read magazines or talk laying on Bruce’s bed side to side.  
One day while they were at Bruce’s alone, his parents away at his grandma for the weekend.  
“Penny for your thoughts?” Bruce asks him bringing a bowl of snacks, they were watching a movie.  
“Why aren’t you going to College?” Nathan asks him.  
“Because I have other plans. I rather learn on my own. Walk my way through experience, save me 4 years and debt. Plus I can’t pick just a degree that I am interested in. Why do you want to go to College?” Bruce explains.  
“College would give me a chance to live out for a while.” Nathan tells him drinking from his glass.  
“No summer vacations out of town?” Bruce asks him.  
“Garland’s idea of a summer vacation is either the cabin at the woods or fishing, is like he is linked to the town’s ground or something. I travelled abroad last year to Europe. With the Martin’s, to Spain” Nathan explains.  
“Ah, to Spain. Nice weather and people? Interesting people. Wait, gentas interasantas” Bruce tries out spanish, making Nathan laugh. “I made you laugh”  
“Is not like that, is gente interesante. But yeah, made some friends, met some penpals” Nathan tells him.  
“Oh, you actually met them in person? You are quite victorian.” Bruce tells, resting his head on his palm.  
“Started for spanish classes in freshman year” Nathan tells him.  
“So, you only penpal with spanish people then? When you are in College you won’t penpal me then?” Bruce asks him.  
“I’ll visit over. I’m not going that far. Umaine. Anyways, I’ll get internet as soon as possible” Nathan replies.  
“Swipping technologies. You just want to save yourself the walk to the post office” Bruce banters and Nathan notices he is rubbing his nape.  
“Maybe, so would you write?” Nathan asks him.  
“Definitelly” Bruce tells him. They fall in silence for a while, paying attention to the movie again. Half bowl eaten.  
“So, is that what you do? Follow the victorian etiquette to date?” Bruce suddenly asks him. Nathan looks confused “Like Lucy’s suitors in Dracula. The movie was out last year. Offer your candidature, let them decide. Is not like I spy on you, but people talk. You have seen people before. You not like to talk about it, I get it. But I’m curious”  
“I am just not interested in that baseball metaphor. Is not like I want to make out with someone because they are cute and we are both single. No emotional closeness, no interests, even so at times is a bit conflicting, because may say if you are dating you can’t be friends, and I don’t like to lose a friendship over dating that person, or I am not sure they like me the same way” Nathan explains.  
“That’s why you haven’t made a move with Hannah?” Bruce asks him.  
“Is complicated. I like quality time, mutual interests, trust. If you can’t talk something personal or emotional with that person, how can you get more intimate with them?” Nathan tells him.  
“Check to the three” Bruce tells him. Nathan looks confused. “We have quality time, mutual interests and we trust on each other”  
“Are you hitting on me?” Nathan asks him curious.  
“Maybe so” Bruce sayings pausing “Would that be bad?”  
“I don’t know. I have never thought that you would be interested” Nathan tells him, nervously. Truth be told, lately he has considered about it. Bruce has slipped on his dreams. Bruce is right, check to the three. Nathan is quiet.  
“Hey, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable” Bruce apologises honestly.  
“Were you serious? You like me?” Nathan asks him hesitantly.  
“What’s not to like about you? I wouldn’t be joking about that. I don’t know, fact is I like you. Is like trying to say why do you like music? You simply like it” Bruce tells him.  
“I thought you didn’t” Nathan weakly says.  
“I see whoever wants to be seen. I just don’t talk about it” Bruce tells him.  
“Like Julia” Nathan comments.  
“Ah, you rather be exclusive?” Bruce offers.  
“I don’t even know” Nathan weakly says.  
“I had been honest. I get it, you not like me back.” Bruce tells him.  
“Is not that. I simply don’t know. I wouldn’t like to lose our friendship if it doesn’t work out” Nathan tells him.  
“It doesn’t have to be ruined. I won’t rush anything. Just whatever is comfortable, you set the pace. I get you. My parents don’t know either. But one likes who one likes. So, what do you want?” Bruce offers with a warm smile, Nathan kisses his cheek.  
“Big victorian step” Bruce banters making Nathan blush. They watch another movie and fall asleep on the couch leaning on each other.

Next morning Bruce wakes first to find Nathan craddled in his embrace, he looks so relaxed.  
Bruce can’t help but smile, he caress his fringe. Nathan shivers and slowly opens his eyes.  
“Hi, sleeping beau. Nice sleep?” Bruce asks him kissing his forehead.  
“Morning, yeah, fine” Nathan replies stretching.  
“Do you have places to be?” Bruce asks him.  
“I have work later. You?” Nathan replies.  
“Free day. Breakfast?” Bruce offers him.  
After having breakfast together, they fall silent.  
“So, would you like to come over later tonight? Movie? Is ok if you can’t. I understand” Bruce tells him.  
“I’ll make some time to stop by. Parents?” Nathan tells him.  
“Ok, they are still at grandma’s. Have a good day, victorian guy” Bruce tells him accompanying him to the door. Nathan glances at him, holds his hand and kisses his cheek close to his lips.  
“You are courting pretty fast. Etiquette. Two kisses the same morning” Bruce banters again, making Nathan nervously giggle. “And now you got even more cute. Save some for later” Bruce says.  
“I will. See you later” Nathan tells him.

An hour after work Nathan stops by at Bruce’s.   
“We got some new ice cream. I got you a cup” Nathan tells him giving him a small box, which has a drawn smiley face.  
“Aren’t you cute? I ordered pizza. Movie? Vynil? Magazine?” Bruce offers.  
“I like your music set” Nathan tells him.  
“I hope you like my company too, because it goes with it” Bruce banters. Both walk in his room. “Nobody home, which means no need of headphones” Bruce tells him unplugging the headphones. Nathan notices one of the magazines at his desks and picks one to read. Nathan lays to read, Bruce soon follows.  
“How’s been your boss today?” Bruce asks him after a while.  
“Surprisingly not as annoying as of late. How about your music Boss?” Nathan asks, Bruce looks confused. “You really like him. Specially that song” Nathan comments as the song plays again.  
“Or maybe I got a bad desire that only you can cool” Bruce tells him glancing at him, their shoulders touching. Nathan blushes but glances at him,  
“Is that so? Are you on fire?” Nathan asks him back.  
“Pretty much. Aren’t you?” Bruce asks him.  
“You are quite nuts, you know that?” Nathan tells him smiling.  
“Whatever, I like making you blush” Bruce says poking at his side making him giggle and kisses his forehead. They held each other gaze and before any of them moves forward the pizza delivery guy knocks on the door.  
After pizza they put a movie on, but mid movie whatever is on the screen is ignored as they lay on the couch cuddling. Nathan is craddled in Bruce’s embrace. They make plans for their next weekends, exchanging timid kisses.  
The next weekend they both go to a party. This time Bruce is chatty with the girls, Nathan notices but says nothing. After the party is over they go at Bruce’s. And Nathan seems uncomfortable.  
“Any problem victorian guy? I thought you weren’t jealous. We just had some fun, we kissed at the backyard, is just that, fun.” Bruce tells him.  
“I know that, and I don’t care about that. But the way you talked, that you are talking about them now. Just some fun. Meaningless. Is that what I am too? I think this will not work out.” Nathan sentences.  
“So this is over before it even begun?” Bruce asks confused.  
“I’m afraid so. I’m sorry. I liked you, but we would not work out” Nathan says before going to leave.  
“Oh, come on. We can work it out. Let’s talk about it at least” Bruce offers.  
“Is crystal clear, we have different expectations, this will not work out. Better to let it go, just stay as friends” Nathan sentences and leaves.  
He can’t help it but cry as he gets to his room. He thought maybe this time would had worked. He really enjoyed their friendship. He is starting to think he is just not made for relationships, that he can’t be other than a close friend, but eventually that won’t be enough for some part. If he shuts down to just be friends, deny his feelings, get used to that, still there will be such misunderstandings. What can he do?

Haven, october 1993

He is in the same classes group most this senior year with Hannah, so they are doing most the class projects together. He has noticed her differently now. She is more interested in him, she has other interests now and is more emotionally open. They got more involved in each other routine over the summer, like hiking. He not seem to notice she is just trying to spend more time with him. Still he is not sure her future plans are much in common with his. She has talked about wanting a marriage, children. And he is not that uncomfortable with the idea, but aren’t they young to think about that? How come a long term commitment as marriage can work when people are breaking up every day, a month after dating or less? He is just not sure that’ll be for him. When he has pictured his future, he was not focused on that, with anyone in particular.  
They made plans for Halloween. Sam joins them too. He hasn’t noticed but he has been emotionally comfortable to her. As autumn arrived she has offered to meet more at his place and they had eventually cooked together, true not at Nathan’s but at Martin’s because some days she’s offered to accompany while babysitting Sam. Since he noticed she liked the change of season, he has given her a random drawing of autumn every few days. He likes it makes her smile. He may not ask her out ever but he doesn’t like to see her sad either.  
He is not aware that has made her more fond of him than before. And as they leave Sam at her place after trick-or-treaing he accompanies her home.  
As they are about to arrive to her home, she holds his hand. He looks at her, she smiles.  
“You know what I’ve been feeling for you, all this time. And I don’t want to keep wondering. I need a clear answer. You are probably the person that knows more about me, since so many years. Do you like me?” Hannah tells him. “Is just a binary answer, yes or no” Hannah looks hopeful at him. They glance at each other. What to reply? Maybe? Let’s give it a try? After all this time, just that?  
He moves forward and finally kisses her. She is a bit surprised but soon kisses him back. They stare at each other, she looks so happy and holds his hand. Ready to walk to her porch opens the door the Rev.  
“Wuornos thank you for bringing my Hannah home safe” The Rev emphasis on the my and safe. Nathan notices and nods nervously, and as Hannah enters home, Nathan goes back to his.  
He is happy he has finally made a choice. This may work.

Next day, a monday. Out of habit Nathan goes to pick Hannah to classes. To which she is surprised.  
“I think we need to talk, about yesterday” Nathan tells her as she holds her hand as soon as she sees him.  
“Oh. Are you having second thoughts? I thought it was clear.” Hannah tells him.  
“No, no. Is fine. Is just, um, can we take things slow?” Nathan hesitantly asks her.  
“Ok, no problem.” Hannah tells yet holding his hand. He glances at it. “Oh, you are scared of the Rev? Ok, let’s keep it lowkey to him” Hannah resolves unholding his hand. Nathan weakly nods. Is not that he is scared of the Rev, but he is just not sure of so much sudden closeness in class.  
Still that recess they are together, when she usually went to her friends and he went to listen to music and read.   
“Well, well, well. Finally! I knew that was going to happen before senior year was over” Duke says approaching them at the cafeteria. “I won the bet” he says patting Nathan’s shoulder.  
“You had a bet?” Nathan asks half annoyed and confused.  
“What? We all knew she liked you. Finally you decided. See? Is just binary, yes or no. Not that difficult. Have fun you two” Duke says leaving them.  
“Is ok, just ignore his minute. Want we go somewhere else?” Hannah offers him and they go to the library. “I’m sorry about that”  
“Is ok, not your fault. Um, so classes?” Nathan offers a bit nervous. He wants to talk about anything else. They revise for exams.  
In fact they revise for exams that whole week. They meet at her place to study. She noticed the PDA in class was a bit too much for him, so she decided to not press about it. He is not having second thoughts just a bit overwhelmed.  
That saturday when he goes hiking at the woods, she joins. He likes her but he is feeling a bit overwhelmed by the changes in routine, so much closeness and time together, won't that burn everything faster? Ok, reason a bit Nathan, is not like the first time she goes to the woods, she joined the Perseids nights before. Just go with the flow, is fine.  
As they return to town they end up at his place. No sign of Garland, still lesson learnt, Nathan leaves a tie outside his door. He guesses is a clear code, he’s seen that on many movies.  
They talk about the week, how he feels, but still he chickens out to tell her, he is not so into so much PDA that soon, and after all she’s been a bit more laid back, so he guesses that not needs to be talked about. They end up making out. Until her hands start to wander south. He breaks up the kiss.  
“Sorry. I didn’t meant to make you uncomfortable.” Hannah apologises. “Is there a reason why? Not feels good?”  
“Too much fluttering.” Nathan weakly replies.  
“Oh, that’s normal. Is meant to be like that. Is fluttering for me too” Hannah replies venturing to touch his arm.  
“I’m not so sure I like that, fluttering” Nathan tells apologetically.  
“Ok.” Hannah says doubtfully. “Wanna cuddle instead?” she offers. He nods. He feels a bit disappointed in himself. Shouldn’t he like that? Would he ever like that? Shouldn’t he assume that is normal, meant to be like that? After all kissing is fine, but why that makes him still nervous. True is not like he is much touchy-feely either, so is quite fair, but yet not fair, right?  
After a while she leaves back home, Nathan accompanies her. As he returns, Garland is staring at the tie on the doorknob.  
“Had someone over?” Garland asks him.  
“Studying” Nathan weakly says.  
“Serious questions needs a serious answer. You not have a tie at the door when you have a friend over to just study. Who was? It didn’t happen something I should be worried about, right?” Garland replies.  
“It was just studying.” Nathan tells him.  
“I’ll take your word for that. Better be a tie at the door when you just study from now on, otherwise I won’t trust your word” Garland resolves.

Haven, november 1993

Hannah is making plans for Christmas already. Is changing traditions. She wants Nathan to come over at some of the dinners or to be at his. Isn’t that too soon? They are dating barely a month. Ah, and she wanted to formally celebrate the anniversary. He just gave her another drawing, but she wanted something “special”. He thought of a dinner, but seems she either not liked the place or was expecting something different. Like what? She not complained, but he noticed her disappointment.  
She has not pressured about the fluttering, still they made out other times along this month. He knows he needs to work on the touchy-feely part. But exactly how? He doesn’t know why he gets so nervous that it gets uncomfortable.  
“I had been thinking about the fluttering” She tells him a few weeks later.  
“What about it?” Nathan as confused.  
“Maybe music would help.” Hannah offers.  
“Help how? Listen, I know, I’ve been told I listen those bad guy songs, but is not like I want to actually do like the lyrics do say” Nathan tells her.  
“You don’t? Never? Not with me?” Hannah asks disappointed.  
“I didn’t meant that. Eventually. But is not like a must, no need to rush.” Nathan tries to explain.  
“You say you don’t, but you are such a hopeless romantic. Such a gentleman” Hannah tells him caressing his cheek. “You give me little drawings to cheer me up, accompany me home, rather take is slow. See, you were worth the wait.” Hannah says kissing his forehead.  
“Anyways, how exactly do you think music would help?” Nathan asks further.  
“Lenght. You know, from shorter to longer tracks, so you get used to the fluttering” Hannah offers.  
“Which songs?” Nathan asks curious. Maybe she has thought further about that and has a mixtape. And she does, she passes him a list of songs. Surprisinly they go from shorter to longer tracks. He is not so sure he’d be comfortable kissing with those lyrics at the back, but eventually he’ll have to work on that nervousness somehow, so maybe that’ll work.  
“Ok.” He says picking up the list and going to search for the first track.  
“I didn’t meant right now. But sounds good.” Hannah says waiting him on his bed.  
One track down. 90 seconds. Yet not fluttering. Second track on. Mid piece her hands get wandering, his hair. Ok. His neck. Yet ok. His shoulders. Fine. His arms. Not bad. But the moment they go down his chest he breaks the kiss agin.  
“I’m sorry.” He apologises.  
“Ok, not bad.” Hannah says smiling. He remains silent. “Am I pressuring you? I thought you wanted to work on that.” Hannah asks him apologetically caressing his hair.  
“I don’t know what it is. Sorry. I’ll figure that out.” Nathan resolves.  
“You are not alone, we are together. I can help you, somehow” Hannah offers him kissing his forehead. He offers her to cuddle again.

Haven, December 1993

Hannah has decided to let it be, she won’t bring that up. That doesn’t mean she hasn’t been thinking. She has asked Julia, Noelle, even Debs. She feels a bit bad talking about their intimacy with others, but she needs answers to know how to help. To their surprise Debs tells them he not commented that with her, and making out was fine, true Debs didn’t get that touchy-feely with him.   
“You not like when I touch you? That’s the thing?” Hannah asks him boldly one day before his birthday while they are studying. Nathan looks puzzled about her forwardness. “I noticed. You are ok, unless I touch down your chest. What worries you?”  
“Nothing, is just, too much. I don’t know.” Nathan tells her. He is embarassed. She glances at him, he looks at his notebook.   
“I just want you be comfortable with me” Hannah tells him. They remain silent. “I know what it is. Since you not do the same, you not feel fair about it. Is it?” Hannah says, standing up, holding his hand, playing his turntable and placing them at the middle of his bedroom.  
“Just a dance. You like that song” Hannah asks him. Nathan is a bit confused about what is going on.  
“I’m not a good dancer, you know that” Nathan tells her.  
“You know what I mean. You like the music. Just feel the music and go with it. Don’t think of anything else” Hannah offers. He nods and follows feeling awkward. “Good, you got a rhythm. Now just place your hand here and I place mine here” Hannah says placing his hands on her lower back as she goes to place hers at his lower back. “Is fine, right?” He weakly nods. But before any move happens someone rings their bell door.  
“Sorry. It was, it is good.” Nathan apologises kissing her and going to answer the door. Soon after she goes home.  
They do that a few more times the next days, and he is enjoying it, mixtape on. As the long tracks are approaching she has a mischievous look at which he looks puzzled.  
“So, your birthday is approaching. And this has been progressing” Hannah offers. Nathan looks confused. “I thought, maybe, you know” Hannah offers. Nathan looks yet confused. Maybe what?  
“Maybe, I know, what?” Nathan asks her.  
“You’d like that dance but a little bit different. Don’t tell me you hadn’t thought about that” Hannah tells him.   
“Different, how different?” Nathan asks her confused. She suddenly places his hands on her belly.  
“Oh. I’m not sure that’s a good idea” Nathan says going to remove his hand, but she holds his hand in place.  
“I won’t do the same, I promise. But I’d like to feel you closer. Don’t you want to?” Hannah asks him. He looks undecided. Again the front door rings.  
“I’m sorry. Thanks but, maybe, another time?” Nathan offers again. And again soon she leaves home.  
Nathan doesn’t get why she wants to get further. Isn’t yet soon? Is it going to be like that? Could he not get closer than that?  
Christmas celebrations went finally as usual, celebrating with the Martins and some dinners with Hannah, not at her place or his since Chief and Rev not seem to be OK with the idea of them dating.  
Nathan not uses to keep of new year resolutions but this year he decided to make some, like work on that fluttering.


End file.
